this summer! I picked the latest one possible to have more time to choreograph.”
And also so I wouldn’t have to dance for an audience the month my father died.
I was on the verge of hyperventilating and had fallen to my knees on the kitchen floor. I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead to a cabinet.
“Calm down. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Regret was beginning to seep into her voice, but there was no solace in that. Did she honestly think saying “calm down” would do anything?
“It’s okay,” I gasped, not meaning it for one second, and hung up not knowing if I’d be able to take it if the conversation had continued. I slid the phone across the tile floor, not caring where it ended up and didn’t even try to steady myself. My whole future as a dancer seemed to be crumbling before me and all I could picture were worst-case scenarios. Instead of trying to figure out another way to get into the city or work on a backup plan, I just became hollow.
Ashlinn would help. Why wasn’t there a way to speak to her like a normal teenager? My cell phone could have redeemed itself a bit if it worked as a way of communicating with her, but apparently there were no mobile phones in dreams. She was the only person who could offer any comfort, and she wasn’t around. Fine. I could seek it in a more medicinal way, one that might end up getting me to her in the process. It was nearing the evening, and there was no time like the present.
Sleep would help. The thoughts in my head were as shattered as my dreams, but I knew that much. Images of my comatose brother and Dad’s grave rolled through my head like a sick slideshow between thoughts of a future without pointe shoes. In that haze of despair, I found my way to the upstairs bathroom and its drug cabinet. White bottles beckoned and I shook them like morbid maracas, looking for one that was full enough that no one would notice if a few went missing. Codeine fit the bill, and its label revealed the contents could cause dizziness, shortness of breath, and light-headedness.
Like I didn’t already have those.
I swallowed several down dry, ignoring the faucet in front of me.
Six
I REMEMBER feeling ashamed of the fact I wasn’t ashamed of the act itself. I stumbled into my room, closed the shades against the fading twilight, and burrowed under my sheets to build a cocoon of darkness. Soon sleep would envelop me in a cloud of drug-induced serenity and I was finally calm.
This calmness extended into the dream. I was back at the start, where Ashlinn had first visited me, with sand beneath my feet and the ocean meeting the shore to my left. This time the fog was cleared away, and everything was placid and serene. Instead of having a gray atmosphere, lavender and pink skies spread out over the expansive blue ocean, and I almost forgot to be upset.
Almost.
Ashlinn’s melodious voice came from behind me.
“Hello, Lovergirl.”
“Hi,” I responded, hoping this being a dream would prevent my voice from being too croaky. Something about my demeanor must have given my emotions away, though, because she grabbed my hands, worried.
“What’s wrong? You can’t be sad.”
And I fell apart. There went the calm.
“I have nothing left. My family is gone and so is my future. You know the audition I have tomorrow? Mother can’t drive me anymore. That school was my only way to escape from this town. I always hoped I could be something more than those other dancers, all the ones who thought they were gonna make it but gave up. It isn’t freaking fair.”
Ashlinn looked stonelike.
“Find another way to the audition.” She sounded completely sure of herself.
“There isn’t another way. What am I going to do, hijack a car I’d be too scared to drive? Ask Ellie? Or do you recommend I hitchhike and end up filleted in a ditch somewhere?”
“Personally I was hoping for something less violent. This isn’t like you; stop giving up. Don’t make me come out there
And also so I wouldn’t have to dance for an audience the month my father died.
I was on the verge of hyperventilating and had fallen to my knees on the kitchen floor. I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead to a cabinet.
“Calm down. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Regret was beginning to seep into her voice, but there was no solace in that. Did she honestly think saying “calm down” would do anything?
“It’s okay,” I gasped, not meaning it for one second, and hung up not knowing if I’d be able to take it if the conversation had continued. I slid the phone across the tile floor, not caring where it ended up and didn’t even try to steady myself. My whole future as a dancer seemed to be crumbling before me and all I could picture were worst-case scenarios. Instead of trying to figure out another way to get into the city or work on a backup plan, I just became hollow.
Ashlinn would help. Why wasn’t there a way to speak to her like a normal teenager? My cell phone could have redeemed itself a bit if it worked as a way of communicating with her, but apparently there were no mobile phones in dreams. She was the only person who could offer any comfort, and she wasn’t around. Fine. I could seek it in a more medicinal way, one that might end up getting me to her in the process. It was nearing the evening, and there was no time like the present.
Sleep would help. The thoughts in my head were as shattered as my dreams, but I knew that much. Images of my comatose brother and Dad’s grave rolled through my head like a sick slideshow between thoughts of a future without pointe shoes. In that haze of despair, I found my way to the upstairs bathroom and its drug cabinet. White bottles beckoned and I shook them like morbid maracas, looking for one that was full enough that no one would notice if a few went missing. Codeine fit the bill, and its label revealed the contents could cause dizziness, shortness of breath, and light-headedness.
Like I didn’t already have those.
I swallowed several down dry, ignoring the faucet in front of me.
Six
I REMEMBER feeling ashamed of the fact I wasn’t ashamed of the act itself. I stumbled into my room, closed the shades against the fading twilight, and burrowed under my sheets to build a cocoon of darkness. Soon sleep would envelop me in a cloud of drug-induced serenity and I was finally calm.
This calmness extended into the dream. I was back at the start, where Ashlinn had first visited me, with sand beneath my feet and the ocean meeting the shore to my left. This time the fog was cleared away, and everything was placid and serene. Instead of having a gray atmosphere, lavender and pink skies spread out over the expansive blue ocean, and I almost forgot to be upset.
Almost.
Ashlinn’s melodious voice came from behind me.
“Hello, Lovergirl.”
“Hi,” I responded, hoping this being a dream would prevent my voice from being too croaky. Something about my demeanor must have given my emotions away, though, because she grabbed my hands, worried.
“What’s wrong? You can’t be sad.”
And I fell apart. There went the calm.
“I have nothing left. My family is gone and so is my future. You know the audition I have tomorrow? Mother can’t drive me anymore. That school was my only way to escape from this town. I always hoped I could be something more than those other dancers, all the ones who thought they were gonna make it but gave up. It isn’t freaking fair.”
Ashlinn looked stonelike.
“Find another way to the audition.” She sounded completely sure of herself.
“There isn’t another way. What am I going to do, hijack a car I’d be too scared to drive? Ask Ellie? Or do you recommend I hitchhike and end up filleted in a ditch somewhere?”
“Personally I was hoping for something less violent. This isn’t like you; stop giving up. Don’t make me come out there
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