but not a car or a lorry or anything. I look to the village that faces Strangford across the Baltic water. The wanker on the stupid-looking boat had called it Portaferry. There's a wee orange dinghy headed our way. Fast. Conan edges closer to me.
"What are they doing, Danny?"
"Fucked if I know. They better ease up on the revs, though. They're pointed right at us."
"We should swim away."
"I don't know if I can. I'm knackered, like."
Then the engine cuts out and the dinghy sort of goes broadside a good wee distance away from us. The handbraker stunt pushes waves our way. I see the first one coming but can't do anything about it. Salty water goes right up my nose. I clench my eyes and my feet lose grip of the slippery stones. Strangford Lough swallows me.
Before panic can set in, rough farmer-boy hands slide under my arms. Conan hauls me back to the surface by the oxters.
"Are you okay, Danny?"
I nod, cough and rub at my eyelids. The inside of my nose stings like a bastard and I have the taste of the sea in my mouth. But I'm breathing.
Something crackles and squeals. I look at the boat. Some lad is standing up and fiddling with a megaphone. He looks too young to be on a lifeboat. And too fucking stupid. I reach for Conan's hand under the water. The barbarian holds on a little too tight.
"Don't squeeze so hard, mate."
"I'm scared."
"I know. It'll be over soon. Just try to relax."
Conan loosens his grip then squishes my knuckles again when the wee lad on the boat shouts at us through the megaphone;
"Are you all right?"
I yell as loud as I can. "We were fine until you got here, you stupid fucker!"
He pauses, looks at the others in the boat. They're too far away to tell for sure, but I think his shipmates are smirking. Sicken him. The wee lad shakes his head and blasts his voice at us again;
"Can you swim towards us?"
I look at Conan. "Do you want to go on a boat?"
"He's too loud."
"Fair enough." I cup my mouth with my free hand. "No, you're all right! We'll get the next one!"
Conan jerks beside me and tugs my hand to pull me closer. He points at the sky.
"There's a helicopter coming."
And he's right. The chooka-chooka noise swells as a black dot in the grey sky grows. In just a few seconds, a huge red and white helicopter circles above us.
"For fuck's sake."
It's not even funny any more. These morons are going to drive the big lad nuts.
Conan lets go of my hand and sinks his head under the water. Whether he's hiding or just trying to dampen the noise, I don't know. I do know that he can't stay there for long.
"Hey! Boat wankers! Can you not tell that helicopter to fuck off?" I slap the water and throw my hands in the air, raging. They can't hear me. I near split my throat screaming, "Get the helicopter out of here!"
Conan's still under the water. I reach down to pull him back up and he shoves my arms away. Almost knocks me over.
I look at the lifeboat just as two of the crew drop off the side of the boat. They swim towards us, fast as fish. The young lad that I took the piss out of gets to us first. He looks confused.
"What's he doing?"
I shrug. "Fucking drowning . Do something."
"You're an awful cheeky cunt."
The wee lifeguard pushes me out of the way and I just about keep my footing. He beckons the older one with a flick of his head. "Come on, Marty. Give us a hand."
Between them, they get Conan to stand up. It's a rough wrestling match but they're fit for the barbarian's struggles. I almost shout out when the one called Marty grabs my friend by the hair and jerks him backwards. I tell myself it's for his own good, though.
"Come on, big lad," Marty says. "Take it easy."
"What the fuck's wrong with him?" the other lifeguard asks.
"I don't know, Sean," Marty says. "Just try to keep him still, will you?"
I spit salty mucus and say, "He's got special needs. The noise of the helicopter is scaring him. Try not to hurt him, please."
"Oh, great stuff," Sean bares his teeth. "And was it your bright
"What are they doing, Danny?"
"Fucked if I know. They better ease up on the revs, though. They're pointed right at us."
"We should swim away."
"I don't know if I can. I'm knackered, like."
Then the engine cuts out and the dinghy sort of goes broadside a good wee distance away from us. The handbraker stunt pushes waves our way. I see the first one coming but can't do anything about it. Salty water goes right up my nose. I clench my eyes and my feet lose grip of the slippery stones. Strangford Lough swallows me.
Before panic can set in, rough farmer-boy hands slide under my arms. Conan hauls me back to the surface by the oxters.
"Are you okay, Danny?"
I nod, cough and rub at my eyelids. The inside of my nose stings like a bastard and I have the taste of the sea in my mouth. But I'm breathing.
Something crackles and squeals. I look at the boat. Some lad is standing up and fiddling with a megaphone. He looks too young to be on a lifeboat. And too fucking stupid. I reach for Conan's hand under the water. The barbarian holds on a little too tight.
"Don't squeeze so hard, mate."
"I'm scared."
"I know. It'll be over soon. Just try to relax."
Conan loosens his grip then squishes my knuckles again when the wee lad on the boat shouts at us through the megaphone;
"Are you all right?"
I yell as loud as I can. "We were fine until you got here, you stupid fucker!"
He pauses, looks at the others in the boat. They're too far away to tell for sure, but I think his shipmates are smirking. Sicken him. The wee lad shakes his head and blasts his voice at us again;
"Can you swim towards us?"
I look at Conan. "Do you want to go on a boat?"
"He's too loud."
"Fair enough." I cup my mouth with my free hand. "No, you're all right! We'll get the next one!"
Conan jerks beside me and tugs my hand to pull me closer. He points at the sky.
"There's a helicopter coming."
And he's right. The chooka-chooka noise swells as a black dot in the grey sky grows. In just a few seconds, a huge red and white helicopter circles above us.
"For fuck's sake."
It's not even funny any more. These morons are going to drive the big lad nuts.
Conan lets go of my hand and sinks his head under the water. Whether he's hiding or just trying to dampen the noise, I don't know. I do know that he can't stay there for long.
"Hey! Boat wankers! Can you not tell that helicopter to fuck off?" I slap the water and throw my hands in the air, raging. They can't hear me. I near split my throat screaming, "Get the helicopter out of here!"
Conan's still under the water. I reach down to pull him back up and he shoves my arms away. Almost knocks me over.
I look at the lifeboat just as two of the crew drop off the side of the boat. They swim towards us, fast as fish. The young lad that I took the piss out of gets to us first. He looks confused.
"What's he doing?"
I shrug. "Fucking drowning . Do something."
"You're an awful cheeky cunt."
The wee lifeguard pushes me out of the way and I just about keep my footing. He beckons the older one with a flick of his head. "Come on, Marty. Give us a hand."
Between them, they get Conan to stand up. It's a rough wrestling match but they're fit for the barbarian's struggles. I almost shout out when the one called Marty grabs my friend by the hair and jerks him backwards. I tell myself it's for his own good, though.
"Come on, big lad," Marty says. "Take it easy."
"What the fuck's wrong with him?" the other lifeguard asks.
"I don't know, Sean," Marty says. "Just try to keep him still, will you?"
I spit salty mucus and say, "He's got special needs. The noise of the helicopter is scaring him. Try not to hurt him, please."
"Oh, great stuff," Sean bares his teeth. "And was it your bright
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