What in God's Name: A Novel by Simon Rich Page B

really bad at my job. You know how many injuries I’ve prevented this quarter? Two. And they were both paper cuts. Can you believe that? Two miracles in three months!”
    He squinted at Eliza, seeming to register her presence for the first time since she’d arrived in the department.
    “Has anyone given you a tour yet?” he asked.
    “Craig showed me the whole floor, General Well-Being, Physical Safety—”
    “That’s not a tour,” Brian interrupted. “The company’s more than just offices. We’ve got a whole badass campus at our disposal. The only company on Earth that comes close to this place is Google. And in my opinion, we’ve got them beat.”
    He tossed two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a bottle of water and waited for the liquid to fizz.
    “This heaven place has everything. Did you know there’s a sushi counter next to the beach volleyball court? It’s open twenty-four hours a day. If you show your wings, it’s free.”
    He pointed at her sternly. “Ask for the double dragon roll. If you order anything else, you’re a moron.”
    Eliza nodded.
    “That’s just the tip of the iceberg,” Brian said. “Every Tuesday there’s massages in the pavilion. Find Lucy—she knows what she’s doing. She’s usually there from two till four.”
    “Aren’t those business hours?”
    Brian laughed. “Nobody cares if you skip work. Last month I took eleven personal days. Nobody said a word.”
    He smirked. “Craig probably didn’t even tell you we got personal days.”
    “He didn’t,” she admitted.
    “He never takes advantage of this place.”
    “Maybe that’s because he’s too busy doing important work.”
    “Come on,” Brian said. “We’re not important. No matter how many miracles we pull off, it’s barely a drop in the ocean. This whole office is ridiculous. Honestly, I can’t wait for it to shut down.”
    “Maybe you’re just in the wrong department.”
    Brian shook his head. “They’re all bummers. Trust me—I’ve been everywhere.”
    “Where else have you worked?”
    Brian whistled. “Where do I start? I used to be in Geyser Regulation. That was a real nightmare. You literally do the same thing every day. And if you’re off by even five minutes, everyone freaks out. ”
    “That does sound kind of rough.”
    “Not as rough as Volcano Suppression. Talk about a thankless job. You work a twenty-hour shift, stop a thousand volcanoes from erupting. And the next day, the only thing people want to talk about is the one you missed. Also, that was back before we got computers—so I had to map out everything by hand. With slide rules and protractors and these flimsy charcoal pencils. I was able to get a transfer, but then they stuck me in Beaches. And that’s when things really got bad.”
    He shuddered slightly at the memory.
    “I spent five years turning sand into glass,” he said. “Can you imagine? Sand into glass, sand into glass, sand into glass.”
    He gulped down his Alka-Seltzer.
    “Are there any departments that deal with important stuff?” Eliza asked.
    “Like what?”
    “I don’t know. Like, sickness and famine and death?”
    “Oh. There’s the Department of Dire Situations—but it’s still in the experimental phase. The office is right next to the steam baths, and whenever I walk by, I hear people running around and yelling at each other. I don’t think anyone likes it there.”
    Eliza nodded, slightly dazed. The company was so vast it was impossible to visualize it all.
    “I gotta tell you,” Brian said. “If it wasn’t for the Server, I’d probably have gone insane by now.”
    “What Server?”
    Brian gaped at her. “Are you serious? Craig didn’t even show you how to work the Server?”
    Eliza shook her head. “He didn’t even mention it.”
    Brian rolled his eyes. “Of course he didn’t.”
    He dragged a second chair into the cubicle.
    “Sit down,” he commanded. “We’re going to have some fun.”
     
    The Server was a complicated piece of