and then coming home to clean up after us all the time. I'm tired of dealing with the miscarriage myself. You don't seem to be good for anything other than sex.”
Taken aback by her words, I just look at her for a second. Then I unleash a storm that I didn't even know was brewing inside of me.
“ Dealing with it yourself? You've got to be kidding me. I've been trying for months to get you to talk to me and you insist on going elsewhere. Damn it Emily! I've tried and tried but all you do is shut me out. What more do you want?”
“ I'm tired of the emotional train wreck. There's nothing I want more than to feel better about everything. I don't know what to do anymore. If I bottle it up, it hurts our relationship. If I let it all out, it hurts our relationship. Maybe we should just take a break from each other. What if what I need is to be to myself for a few weeks?”
“ You are ruining us. That you got right. If you would just let me help you, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. But hell no. The world has to go up in flames before you allow yourself to trust me in helping you. You want a break? Then you have it.”
I go to our bedroom, slam the door shut, and begin packing a few essentials. The plan is to give Emily all the damn time she needs to herself. Why I said I would do whatever it takes to help her I don't know. She has made it apparent that she doesn't want my help. With clothes and other essentials, I walk out of our bedroom. I don't look for Emily and I don't say goodbye as I see myself out.
9
Emily
I want to scream at Jake not to go. It's me who wanted this. Not him. Sometimes, I hate the fact that he will do whatever I ask if he thinks it might help me. His strength, his love. I need them both, especially with my mind in turmoil and my stomach in knots so tight, I would have to cut them out just to get rid of them.
Yet, I didn't stop him from walking out.
I could have. But I didn't.
If worries were warts, my body and soul would be covered in them. I feel like a scared turtle hiding in its shell only to peek out for a glance. I eventually come out once it's clear that Jake isn't going to come back. In my bed, I finally allow myself to let out all my grief and heartache.
Bolting upright, I regain some composure from the nightmare I just had. I must have fallen asleep while crying. Rolling over I expect to see Jake but the night's events come back full force. Fine. I don’t want him here anyway. In this dream, he once again killed my precious little baby with a smile on his face while blaming me for the entire thing.
Hours pass and I'm still awake. Not knowing what to do with myself, I'm tempted to call Kyle. After all, the girls don't know about the miscarriage and I don’t want to explain everything to them at four in the morning. However, I know that I shouldn't. All this thinking has made me realize that I was sending Kyle the wrong message. That's clear to me now. Even though I know that we are just friends doesn't mean that Kyle or Jake knows it.
The realization that I am mad at Jake hits me like a cannon ball. The house feels empty without him, but I ignore it. I am still pissed at having to clean up after both of us. A little help here and there would be nice. I am just as busy and tired as he is. It ticks me off that he would be too tired to help out, but not too tired to have sex with me.
I kicked Jake out. My nightmares are worse. Jake's probably furious with me. I'm tired of dealing with everything. I want to be able to sleep one night without waking up in fear. Every time Jake and I get on solid ground, something happens and I go and mess it up.
What am I going to do? I love Jake so much, but what if it's not enough?
I just want to go back to the way things were before. What if I've messed things up permanently? Nothing is easy anymore, but what was I expecting?
It is like a storm with dark, ominous clouds covering up the sun. It's so hard to remember
Taken aback by her words, I just look at her for a second. Then I unleash a storm that I didn't even know was brewing inside of me.
“ Dealing with it yourself? You've got to be kidding me. I've been trying for months to get you to talk to me and you insist on going elsewhere. Damn it Emily! I've tried and tried but all you do is shut me out. What more do you want?”
“ I'm tired of the emotional train wreck. There's nothing I want more than to feel better about everything. I don't know what to do anymore. If I bottle it up, it hurts our relationship. If I let it all out, it hurts our relationship. Maybe we should just take a break from each other. What if what I need is to be to myself for a few weeks?”
“ You are ruining us. That you got right. If you would just let me help you, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. But hell no. The world has to go up in flames before you allow yourself to trust me in helping you. You want a break? Then you have it.”
I go to our bedroom, slam the door shut, and begin packing a few essentials. The plan is to give Emily all the damn time she needs to herself. Why I said I would do whatever it takes to help her I don't know. She has made it apparent that she doesn't want my help. With clothes and other essentials, I walk out of our bedroom. I don't look for Emily and I don't say goodbye as I see myself out.
9
Emily
I want to scream at Jake not to go. It's me who wanted this. Not him. Sometimes, I hate the fact that he will do whatever I ask if he thinks it might help me. His strength, his love. I need them both, especially with my mind in turmoil and my stomach in knots so tight, I would have to cut them out just to get rid of them.
Yet, I didn't stop him from walking out.
I could have. But I didn't.
If worries were warts, my body and soul would be covered in them. I feel like a scared turtle hiding in its shell only to peek out for a glance. I eventually come out once it's clear that Jake isn't going to come back. In my bed, I finally allow myself to let out all my grief and heartache.
Bolting upright, I regain some composure from the nightmare I just had. I must have fallen asleep while crying. Rolling over I expect to see Jake but the night's events come back full force. Fine. I don’t want him here anyway. In this dream, he once again killed my precious little baby with a smile on his face while blaming me for the entire thing.
Hours pass and I'm still awake. Not knowing what to do with myself, I'm tempted to call Kyle. After all, the girls don't know about the miscarriage and I don’t want to explain everything to them at four in the morning. However, I know that I shouldn't. All this thinking has made me realize that I was sending Kyle the wrong message. That's clear to me now. Even though I know that we are just friends doesn't mean that Kyle or Jake knows it.
The realization that I am mad at Jake hits me like a cannon ball. The house feels empty without him, but I ignore it. I am still pissed at having to clean up after both of us. A little help here and there would be nice. I am just as busy and tired as he is. It ticks me off that he would be too tired to help out, but not too tired to have sex with me.
I kicked Jake out. My nightmares are worse. Jake's probably furious with me. I'm tired of dealing with everything. I want to be able to sleep one night without waking up in fear. Every time Jake and I get on solid ground, something happens and I go and mess it up.
What am I going to do? I love Jake so much, but what if it's not enough?
I just want to go back to the way things were before. What if I've messed things up permanently? Nothing is easy anymore, but what was I expecting?
It is like a storm with dark, ominous clouds covering up the sun. It's so hard to remember
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