he might be blowing smoke up my ass, but all I found was sincerity. Josh struck me as someone who knew very clearly what he wanted and was willing to work to make it happen. Like me, he had plans and ideals. He wanted to provide and care for his family and was setting himself up to do so. I’d never dated anyone who had themselves so together and seemed to be on the same path I desired. Years ago I had very seriously dated a guy named Grayson, who said he wanted a lot of the same things I was looking for, but that had turned out not to be the case. He took me through so many changes; I had vowed I’d never take the risk of letting someone do that to me again. Still, lying here across from Josh, I allowed myself to consider the possibility of having those things I’d said I wanted so long ago. Maybe I could have love and stability and a family. Didn’t I deserve that like everyone else? Wasn’t I worth loving? As much as I wanted to believe I was, Grayson had wounded me in a way I wasn’t sure would ever fully heal.
I wasn’t aware of how deeply I’d drifted into my thoughts until I felt Josh shake my arm lightly. “Where’d you go,” he asked. “You ok?”
“I’m fine,” I smiled dryly as I shook off bad memories and dark feelings. Maybe this man is different. I assured internally. “Let’s see… some things about me… I love kids—which you already guessed. I’m an only child… now. My sister died when I was 11, and she was 7. I love Chinese food, art, music and traveling. I’m a Leo. I love animals but not to have as pets, umm… I guess that’s basically it.” I was fairly pleased with my summary but of course, Josh had more questions.
“You said earlier you’d like to have children. How many? What are your religious beliefs? Where do you wanna be five years from now?” Now he’d propped himself up on his elbow and was giving me an inquisitive eyebrow raise. Geez! This man is determined to be all in my business! He’s nothing if not persistent. I took a deep breath and prepared to reply to round two of my interrogation.
“Well sir, if you must know I’d like to have at least one child and maybe as many as three –depending on my sanity after the first two. I am a Christian and a work in progress,” I said with nervous laughter. “In five years I see myself as Chief of Pediatrics—maybe having a child or two, but that would require a proposal and marriage first!” I could have slapped myself! Had I just brought up marriage and proposal not only on the second date but in the same damned sentence? Well, if he were ever gonna run I guess now would be the time. I hesitantly looked in Josh’s direction, fully prepared for him to chime in with, “Look at the time!” Instead, he sat there, still resting on his elbows, listening intently.
“It takes more than that to spook me. Besides, I asked. Is that all or is there more?” Josh asked; his eyes still set on me.
“Well, I said before that I like to travel so I still have some places on my list I’d like to check off. I’d also like to do something adventurous and spontaneous, you know? I’m sure I come off as a bit stuffy at times, but I actually am fun once you get to know me. Not everyone sticks around long enough to see that side of me.” The olives and crackers left on my plate now had my full attention as I tossed them back and forth with my fork.
Josh tilted my chin up toward him with his index finger. I could tell he saw the sadness in my eyes because he matched it. Perhaps he hoped he could “fix” me. I was sure he knew all too well that I didn’t trust easily; I was guarded and I hated talking about myself, but none of that seemed to shake him. Maybe he just wanted to know my story or maybe he wanted to be the one to change the ending. It was too soon to tell, and I was petrified by the thought of either.
Josh looked down at his watch, and I instinctively glanced at mine, as well. I couldn’t believe that
I wasn’t aware of how deeply I’d drifted into my thoughts until I felt Josh shake my arm lightly. “Where’d you go,” he asked. “You ok?”
“I’m fine,” I smiled dryly as I shook off bad memories and dark feelings. Maybe this man is different. I assured internally. “Let’s see… some things about me… I love kids—which you already guessed. I’m an only child… now. My sister died when I was 11, and she was 7. I love Chinese food, art, music and traveling. I’m a Leo. I love animals but not to have as pets, umm… I guess that’s basically it.” I was fairly pleased with my summary but of course, Josh had more questions.
“You said earlier you’d like to have children. How many? What are your religious beliefs? Where do you wanna be five years from now?” Now he’d propped himself up on his elbow and was giving me an inquisitive eyebrow raise. Geez! This man is determined to be all in my business! He’s nothing if not persistent. I took a deep breath and prepared to reply to round two of my interrogation.
“Well sir, if you must know I’d like to have at least one child and maybe as many as three –depending on my sanity after the first two. I am a Christian and a work in progress,” I said with nervous laughter. “In five years I see myself as Chief of Pediatrics—maybe having a child or two, but that would require a proposal and marriage first!” I could have slapped myself! Had I just brought up marriage and proposal not only on the second date but in the same damned sentence? Well, if he were ever gonna run I guess now would be the time. I hesitantly looked in Josh’s direction, fully prepared for him to chime in with, “Look at the time!” Instead, he sat there, still resting on his elbows, listening intently.
“It takes more than that to spook me. Besides, I asked. Is that all or is there more?” Josh asked; his eyes still set on me.
“Well, I said before that I like to travel so I still have some places on my list I’d like to check off. I’d also like to do something adventurous and spontaneous, you know? I’m sure I come off as a bit stuffy at times, but I actually am fun once you get to know me. Not everyone sticks around long enough to see that side of me.” The olives and crackers left on my plate now had my full attention as I tossed them back and forth with my fork.
Josh tilted my chin up toward him with his index finger. I could tell he saw the sadness in my eyes because he matched it. Perhaps he hoped he could “fix” me. I was sure he knew all too well that I didn’t trust easily; I was guarded and I hated talking about myself, but none of that seemed to shake him. Maybe he just wanted to know my story or maybe he wanted to be the one to change the ending. It was too soon to tell, and I was petrified by the thought of either.
Josh looked down at his watch, and I instinctively glanced at mine, as well. I couldn’t believe that
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