a light-hearted gift by Danny Kelly, my former mentor and editor (he frequents car boot sales). From the back sleeve, a eulogy worth printing in full:
‘Northampton has had many love affairs. After all, it is like a human being, having evolved, matured and developed its character with passing years. Succeeding generations of lovers established its importance, traditions, employment, social, recreational and cultural amenities and a strong sense of community. Experience has proved how necessary these qualities of life are.
‘But, of course, these qualities take generations to mature. In Northampton we are fortunate. We are able to harness all the advantages of an historic and well-established town of regional importance, with those of an expanding town and major growth point, providing new opportunities for a total population of 180,000 by 1990.
‘Add to this – Northampton’s location, little more than 60 miles from London, on the M1 motorway with 50% of Britain’s industry and 57% of its population within a 100 mile radius; the immediate availability of factories, offices or sites; a workforce of some 87,000; a wide choice of homes to rent or buy – and it’s easy to see how love affairs begin …’
I know what you’re thinking: where do I sign?
4. HRH Princess Benedikte of Denmark flew in to open the Carlsberg brewery. There was a civic ceremony on a devilishly windy day: when she pulled the string on the plaque, it continued to be obscured by a flapping curtain as the dignitaries applauded and a marching band tramped up and down the concrete. For royal glamour it ranks only behind the day our own dear Queen Elizabeth attended the official opening of the Express Lifts testing tower in 1982. (Yes, the one Terry Wogan nicknamed the Northampton Lighthouse with typical irony on his Radio 2 show.)
5. It seemed glamorous at the time, ‘the Saxon’ – I think they held dinner-and-dance things there, and I’m certain my hedonistic Uncle Allen and Auntie Janice frequented it. It was always tainted somewhat by its convenience for the local red-light district. Alright, less of a district, actually just the car park and a notorious pub called the Criterion, which was spoken about in hushed tones at school: ‘The Cri’. When I hear the word ‘criterion’ spoken to this day I still think of the oldest profession.
6. Actually, they spent two seasons in Division Three on the way up between 1961 and 1963, but let’s not spoil the ultimately humiliating story.
7. I supported Liverpool through most of the Seventies, then Leeds from 1978 onwards. That can’t be good, can it?
8. I’m being unfair. Northampton’s place names aren’t all ugly. Round Spinney has a touch of the Beatrix Potters, as do Weston Favell, Wakes Meadow, Briar Hill, Blackthorn, Kingsley Park and Far Cotton. There’s even a place to the south called Camp Hill. Wouldn’t you just love to have that on your envelopes?
three
Down the Field
There was a time when meadow, grove and stream
,
The earth, and every common sight
,
To me did seem
Apparelled in celestial light
.
William Wordsworth, ‘Recollections of Early Childhood’ (1807)
THE CLOSEST WE came to sexual interference as kids was in 1977 when a man turned up at the field in a blue van and invited Simon and me to join in some organised ball games with three others kids we didn’t know. He even offered us a drink of ready-diluted squash at half-time from a plastic bottle which he kept in the van.
The man came back every week with his boys in his van and it became a kind of date in our diary, every Friday, with other kids from the estates like Soardsy and Taff joining in. One of the games we played, made up I suspect, was a variant on French cricket called ‘Puttocks’. 1 One week Mum overheard Simon and me innocently joking about Mr Atkins and his Puttocks, and she misheard, believing he had shown us his buttocks. He hadn’t, but panic set in and she started to ask us a lot of
‘Northampton has had many love affairs. After all, it is like a human being, having evolved, matured and developed its character with passing years. Succeeding generations of lovers established its importance, traditions, employment, social, recreational and cultural amenities and a strong sense of community. Experience has proved how necessary these qualities of life are.
‘But, of course, these qualities take generations to mature. In Northampton we are fortunate. We are able to harness all the advantages of an historic and well-established town of regional importance, with those of an expanding town and major growth point, providing new opportunities for a total population of 180,000 by 1990.
‘Add to this – Northampton’s location, little more than 60 miles from London, on the M1 motorway with 50% of Britain’s industry and 57% of its population within a 100 mile radius; the immediate availability of factories, offices or sites; a workforce of some 87,000; a wide choice of homes to rent or buy – and it’s easy to see how love affairs begin …’
I know what you’re thinking: where do I sign?
4. HRH Princess Benedikte of Denmark flew in to open the Carlsberg brewery. There was a civic ceremony on a devilishly windy day: when she pulled the string on the plaque, it continued to be obscured by a flapping curtain as the dignitaries applauded and a marching band tramped up and down the concrete. For royal glamour it ranks only behind the day our own dear Queen Elizabeth attended the official opening of the Express Lifts testing tower in 1982. (Yes, the one Terry Wogan nicknamed the Northampton Lighthouse with typical irony on his Radio 2 show.)
5. It seemed glamorous at the time, ‘the Saxon’ – I think they held dinner-and-dance things there, and I’m certain my hedonistic Uncle Allen and Auntie Janice frequented it. It was always tainted somewhat by its convenience for the local red-light district. Alright, less of a district, actually just the car park and a notorious pub called the Criterion, which was spoken about in hushed tones at school: ‘The Cri’. When I hear the word ‘criterion’ spoken to this day I still think of the oldest profession.
6. Actually, they spent two seasons in Division Three on the way up between 1961 and 1963, but let’s not spoil the ultimately humiliating story.
7. I supported Liverpool through most of the Seventies, then Leeds from 1978 onwards. That can’t be good, can it?
8. I’m being unfair. Northampton’s place names aren’t all ugly. Round Spinney has a touch of the Beatrix Potters, as do Weston Favell, Wakes Meadow, Briar Hill, Blackthorn, Kingsley Park and Far Cotton. There’s even a place to the south called Camp Hill. Wouldn’t you just love to have that on your envelopes?
three
Down the Field
There was a time when meadow, grove and stream
,
The earth, and every common sight
,
To me did seem
Apparelled in celestial light
.
William Wordsworth, ‘Recollections of Early Childhood’ (1807)
THE CLOSEST WE came to sexual interference as kids was in 1977 when a man turned up at the field in a blue van and invited Simon and me to join in some organised ball games with three others kids we didn’t know. He even offered us a drink of ready-diluted squash at half-time from a plastic bottle which he kept in the van.
The man came back every week with his boys in his van and it became a kind of date in our diary, every Friday, with other kids from the estates like Soardsy and Taff joining in. One of the games we played, made up I suspect, was a variant on French cricket called ‘Puttocks’. 1 One week Mum overheard Simon and me innocently joking about Mr Atkins and his Puttocks, and she misheard, believing he had shown us his buttocks. He hadn’t, but panic set in and she started to ask us a lot of
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