Whisper by Chrissie Keighery Page A

going?’
    â€˜North f-i-e-l-d’, Keisha signs.
    There’s a wobble inside me and I feel my chest tightening.I can feel the panic growing and spreading, taking hold of me.
    Northfield. Northfield.
    I have to put my bag down. I have to sit. I make my way to a bench seat at the side of the corridor.
    I tell myself I will calm down. I tell myself it’s all in my head, which means I can stop it. It’s happened before, and I survived those attacks. The first one was after reading Harry’s note about my ears. The second one was after the fight with Nadia.
    But those attacks were nothing like the one at Northfield.I’ve never told anyone what happened there.
    Keisha and Erica are on another planet. On their planet, there is still enough air for them to continue talking and signing about dresses and models and shopping. I am feeling dizzy, like I’ve been spinning around and stopped suddenly.Everything’s blurred, and I feel like I might throw up.
    I can calm down. I can breathe.
    â€˜Are you OK?’ Erica asks. She and Keisha are standing in front of me. I don’t know how they got there, and they still look fuzzy to me. They might have floated over.
    â€˜You’ve gone pale,’ Keisha says.
    I look down at my hands. They’re quivering. I hold on to my thighs to steady them.
    I can’t talk yet. I can’t sign yet. I breathe. Long, deep breaths.
    Keisha sits beside me. Her hand is on my back. Erica is crouching in front of me. Her eyes are wide. She is slowly coming back into focus.
    â€˜Should we get a teacher?’
    I don’t think I’m going to vomit. I risk a shake of the head.I free my hands and look at them before I sign. The shaking has settled. I breathe until I feel I can use my hands without the girls noticing.
    â€˜I’m fine now. Really.’
    Keisha’s hand leaves my back. ‘You scared me,’ she signs.‘Are you asthmatic?’
    I nod. I lie. But people who have panic attacks are not quite right. People who have asthma can’t help it.
    â€˜You look better,’ Erica signs. ‘Don’t you have an asthma puffer?’
    I nod and point to my bag. It’s another lie. ‘But I don’t need it.’
    I’m getting enough oxygen now, though sometimes my breath comes as a shudder, like it does after a big crying session. I’m exhausted. But it’s over.
    â€˜Want us to take you home?’ Keisha signs. ‘We can go shopping another time.’
    Erica gives her a look. A ‘how about we don’t take her home and go shopping like we planned?’ look.Keisha ignores her.
    â€˜No,’ I sign. ‘But thanks.’
    â€˜Then why don’t you come with us?’ Keisha asks, and as soon as she’s finished using her hands to sign she rubs my back again. I wish she wouldn’t. It’s bad enough that I flipped out in front of them. I just want them to forget what happened. I just want to be left alone.
    â€˜I can’t come. I’ve got my nephew’s birthday party.’
    â€˜Are you an auntie? That’s crazy. How old is your nephew?’Erica asks.
    â€˜Turning seven,’ I answer. ‘You want to see a photo?’
    I go to my bag to get my phone and also to escape the back rub. I show them the photo of Harry and Oscar that I have as my wallpaper.
    â€˜So cute!’ Keisha signs.
    I can feel myself relaxing a bit. I’m so relieved that the panic attack is over. The girls don’t seem to suspect anything and, more importantly, they haven’t figured out what started it.A teenager who doesn’t want to go shopping is even weirder than a teenager who has panic attacks. I’m secretly relieved I have Harry’s party to go to. Otherwise I would’ve had to make up some story about not liking big shopping centres or something, and I don’t have the energy for that right now.
    We all walk together to the tram stop. Keisha and Erica make