Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? by Mark Leyner Page B
Authors: Mark Leyner
Tags: Fiction
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make even the perkiest Pollyanna in the animal kingdom want to blow his brains out. But animals don’t really commit suicide, at least not in the way we humans define the term.
Lemmings have traditionally been the poster boys for suicidal animals. But they aren’t as self-destructive as they seem. Lemmings sometimes fall off cliffs during mass migration, but these deaths are accidental rather than intentional. There are several other examples of animals who appear to commit suicide. There’s the mother octopus feeding its young, but not herself. And the Australian crab spider who produces a special batch of eggs too jumbo to be laid—so her hatched spiderlings actually gnaw into her body to consume them, eventually killing poor ol’ Mom. Both of these examples are open to anthropomorphic misinterpretation, but don’t seem to represent suicide as we know it.
Although animals are known to mope, they have never been observed locking themselves in their bedrooms with the blinds drawn, and listening to morose, self-pitying dirges by Leonard Cohen or The Cure for hours on end.
DO DOGS HAVE BELLY BUTTONS?
Dogs are placental mammals and therefore they do have a belly button. That does not make it easy to find. It is there somewhere in all that fur about halfway between the rib cage and the hip bone. While you are looking, feel free to give Rover a little scratch but watch out for the shaking leg.
CAN A COCKROACH GET STUCK IN MY EAR?
Remember when you were told not to put anything bigger than your elbow in your ear? The roaches weren’t listening. It is not uncommon to see patients in the emergency room with cockroaches in their ears. The cockroaches have an easy time crawling in but they aren’t very good at backing out. A moving cockroach in your external ear causes great pain and anxiety. In the ER, we first put mineral oil or Lidocaine (an anesthetic liquid) in the ear to suffocate the trespassing creature. We then employ an “alligator forceps”—a long, thin tweezerlike instrument to pull the intruder out.
HOW DO WE KNOW THAT DOGS ARE COLOR-BLIND?
I imagine it would be very difficult to get the dog to sit still at the eye doctor long enough to find out. So how do we know that dogs are colorblind?
To begin with, they aren’t. They don’t see as many colors as humans, but they do see more than black and white. Dogs have two types of cells on their retina that recognize wavelengths of light, called cones. Humans have three types of cones, so we see more colors. It is likely that dogs confuse reds and greens. This type of vision is similar to humans who are red-green colorblind.
How do we know?
Scientists taught dogs to recognize colors, but they often confused reds and greens. Beams of light were also flashed into dogs’ eyes and the pattern of light that was reflected back was analyzed. These results were then compared with the pattern produced when the same lights were flashed into human eyes.
WHAT DOES A CHIMPANZEE DO WITH THE UMBILICAL CORD AFTER IT HAS A BABY?
Bites it…and probably eats it. Many species of wild mammals (primates, and thus chimps included) conveniently chow down on the umbilical cord, and also eat their placenta. One good reason, in addition to the irresistible availability of a highly nutritious meal, is that quickly disposing of the umbilical cord and placenta protects the newborn offspring from predators that might be attracted to the bloody organs. As far as we
Homo sapiens
go, there are rare (excuse the choice of words) instances of placentophagy (placenta eating) in human society—notwithstanding persistent urban-mythlike tales of pervasive “placenta parties” thrown by hippie earth mothers during the seventies in—where else?—California. Most cultures have specific and strict taboos against this postpartum entree. And that’s probably, as the doyenne of fine dining and all things domestic—Martha Stewart—would say: a good thing.
DO TOADS CAUSE WARTS?
Poor poor
Lemmings have traditionally been the poster boys for suicidal animals. But they aren’t as self-destructive as they seem. Lemmings sometimes fall off cliffs during mass migration, but these deaths are accidental rather than intentional. There are several other examples of animals who appear to commit suicide. There’s the mother octopus feeding its young, but not herself. And the Australian crab spider who produces a special batch of eggs too jumbo to be laid—so her hatched spiderlings actually gnaw into her body to consume them, eventually killing poor ol’ Mom. Both of these examples are open to anthropomorphic misinterpretation, but don’t seem to represent suicide as we know it.
Although animals are known to mope, they have never been observed locking themselves in their bedrooms with the blinds drawn, and listening to morose, self-pitying dirges by Leonard Cohen or The Cure for hours on end.
DO DOGS HAVE BELLY BUTTONS?
Dogs are placental mammals and therefore they do have a belly button. That does not make it easy to find. It is there somewhere in all that fur about halfway between the rib cage and the hip bone. While you are looking, feel free to give Rover a little scratch but watch out for the shaking leg.
CAN A COCKROACH GET STUCK IN MY EAR?
Remember when you were told not to put anything bigger than your elbow in your ear? The roaches weren’t listening. It is not uncommon to see patients in the emergency room with cockroaches in their ears. The cockroaches have an easy time crawling in but they aren’t very good at backing out. A moving cockroach in your external ear causes great pain and anxiety. In the ER, we first put mineral oil or Lidocaine (an anesthetic liquid) in the ear to suffocate the trespassing creature. We then employ an “alligator forceps”—a long, thin tweezerlike instrument to pull the intruder out.
HOW DO WE KNOW THAT DOGS ARE COLOR-BLIND?
I imagine it would be very difficult to get the dog to sit still at the eye doctor long enough to find out. So how do we know that dogs are colorblind?
To begin with, they aren’t. They don’t see as many colors as humans, but they do see more than black and white. Dogs have two types of cells on their retina that recognize wavelengths of light, called cones. Humans have three types of cones, so we see more colors. It is likely that dogs confuse reds and greens. This type of vision is similar to humans who are red-green colorblind.
How do we know?
Scientists taught dogs to recognize colors, but they often confused reds and greens. Beams of light were also flashed into dogs’ eyes and the pattern of light that was reflected back was analyzed. These results were then compared with the pattern produced when the same lights were flashed into human eyes.
WHAT DOES A CHIMPANZEE DO WITH THE UMBILICAL CORD AFTER IT HAS A BABY?
Bites it…and probably eats it. Many species of wild mammals (primates, and thus chimps included) conveniently chow down on the umbilical cord, and also eat their placenta. One good reason, in addition to the irresistible availability of a highly nutritious meal, is that quickly disposing of the umbilical cord and placenta protects the newborn offspring from predators that might be attracted to the bloody organs. As far as we
Homo sapiens
go, there are rare (excuse the choice of words) instances of placentophagy (placenta eating) in human society—notwithstanding persistent urban-mythlike tales of pervasive “placenta parties” thrown by hippie earth mothers during the seventies in—where else?—California. Most cultures have specific and strict taboos against this postpartum entree. And that’s probably, as the doyenne of fine dining and all things domestic—Martha Stewart—would say: a good thing.
DO TOADS CAUSE WARTS?
Poor poor
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