for this. Fourteen lives were on his conscience, and he could hardly bear it. He cried often, and he ached deep inside. He replayed the events over and over in his mind, trying to decide what it was he had done wrong.
It was weeks before he realized his mistake. He had assumed that the demon who sought to inspire the killings had relied on the kidnappers alone. But it was the police who had killed the children. Someone had yelled at them to shoot, had prompted them to fire, had put them on edge. It took only one additional man, one further intent, one other weapon. The demon had seduced one of the police officers as well. Ross had missed it. He hadn’t even thought of it.
After a time, he began to question everything he was doing in his service to the Word. What was the point of it all if so many small lives could be lost so easily? He was a poor choice to serve as a Knight of the Word if he couldn’t do any better than this. And what sort of supreme being would permit such a thing to happen in the first place? Was this the best the Word could do? Was it necessary for those fourteen children to die? Was that the message? John Ross began to wonder, then to grow certain, that the difference between the Word and the Void was small indeed. It was all so pointless, so ridiculous. He began to doubt and then to despair. He was servant to a master who lacked compassion and reason, whose poor efforts seemed unable to accomplish anything of worth. John Ross looked back over the past twelve years and was appalled. Where was the proof that anything he had done had served a purpose? What sort of battle was it he fought? Time after time he had stood against the forces of the Void, and what was there to show for it?
There was a limit to what he could endure, he decided finally. There was a limit to what he could demand of himself. He was broken by what had happened in San Sobel, and he could not put himself back together again. He no longer cared who he was or what he had pledged himself to do. He was finished with everything.
Let someone else take up the Word’s cause.
Let someone else carry the burden of all those lives.
Let someone else, because he was done.
Chapter 5
A riel paused, and Nest found that she couldn’t keep quiet any longer. “You mean he quit?” she demanded incredulously. “He just quit?”
The tatterdemalion seemed to consider. “He no longer thinks of himself as a Knight of the Word, so he has stopped acting like one. But he can never quit. The choice isn’t his to make.”
Her words carried a dark implication that Nest did not miss. “What do you mean?”
Ariel’s childlike face seemed to shimmer in the midday sun as she shifted her stance slightly. It was the first time she had moved, and it almost caused her to disappear.
“Only the Lady can create a Knight of the Word, and only the Lady can set one free.” Ariel’s voice was so soft that Nest could barely hear her. “John Ross is bound to his charge. When he took up the staff that gives him his power, he bound himself forever. He cannot free himself of the staff or of the charge. Even if he no longer thinks of himself as a Knight of the Word, he remains one.”
Nest shook her head in confusion. “But he isn’t doing anything to be a Knight of the Word. He’s given it all up, you said. So what difference does it make whether or not he really is a Knight of the Word? If he’s not only stopped thinking of himself as a Knight, but he’s stopped functioning as one, he might as well be a bricklayer.”
Ariel nodded. “This is what John Ross believes, as well. This is why he is in so much danger.”
Nest hesitated. How much of this did she really want to know? The Lady hadn’t sent Ariel just to bring her up to date on what was happening to John Ross. The Lady wanted something from her, and where Ross was concerned, she wasn’t at all sure it would be something she wanted to give. She hadn’t seen or heard from Ross in five years, and
It was weeks before he realized his mistake. He had assumed that the demon who sought to inspire the killings had relied on the kidnappers alone. But it was the police who had killed the children. Someone had yelled at them to shoot, had prompted them to fire, had put them on edge. It took only one additional man, one further intent, one other weapon. The demon had seduced one of the police officers as well. Ross had missed it. He hadn’t even thought of it.
After a time, he began to question everything he was doing in his service to the Word. What was the point of it all if so many small lives could be lost so easily? He was a poor choice to serve as a Knight of the Word if he couldn’t do any better than this. And what sort of supreme being would permit such a thing to happen in the first place? Was this the best the Word could do? Was it necessary for those fourteen children to die? Was that the message? John Ross began to wonder, then to grow certain, that the difference between the Word and the Void was small indeed. It was all so pointless, so ridiculous. He began to doubt and then to despair. He was servant to a master who lacked compassion and reason, whose poor efforts seemed unable to accomplish anything of worth. John Ross looked back over the past twelve years and was appalled. Where was the proof that anything he had done had served a purpose? What sort of battle was it he fought? Time after time he had stood against the forces of the Void, and what was there to show for it?
There was a limit to what he could endure, he decided finally. There was a limit to what he could demand of himself. He was broken by what had happened in San Sobel, and he could not put himself back together again. He no longer cared who he was or what he had pledged himself to do. He was finished with everything.
Let someone else take up the Word’s cause.
Let someone else carry the burden of all those lives.
Let someone else, because he was done.
Chapter 5
A riel paused, and Nest found that she couldn’t keep quiet any longer. “You mean he quit?” she demanded incredulously. “He just quit?”
The tatterdemalion seemed to consider. “He no longer thinks of himself as a Knight of the Word, so he has stopped acting like one. But he can never quit. The choice isn’t his to make.”
Her words carried a dark implication that Nest did not miss. “What do you mean?”
Ariel’s childlike face seemed to shimmer in the midday sun as she shifted her stance slightly. It was the first time she had moved, and it almost caused her to disappear.
“Only the Lady can create a Knight of the Word, and only the Lady can set one free.” Ariel’s voice was so soft that Nest could barely hear her. “John Ross is bound to his charge. When he took up the staff that gives him his power, he bound himself forever. He cannot free himself of the staff or of the charge. Even if he no longer thinks of himself as a Knight of the Word, he remains one.”
Nest shook her head in confusion. “But he isn’t doing anything to be a Knight of the Word. He’s given it all up, you said. So what difference does it make whether or not he really is a Knight of the Word? If he’s not only stopped thinking of himself as a Knight, but he’s stopped functioning as one, he might as well be a bricklayer.”
Ariel nodded. “This is what John Ross believes, as well. This is why he is in so much danger.”
Nest hesitated. How much of this did she really want to know? The Lady hadn’t sent Ariel just to bring her up to date on what was happening to John Ross. The Lady wanted something from her, and where Ross was concerned, she wasn’t at all sure it would be something she wanted to give. She hadn’t seen or heard from Ross in five years, and
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