Yiddish with Dick and Jane by Barbara Davilman, Ellis Weiner Page B

restaurant.
    “Jane,” whispers Sally. “I thought Susan was married to Tom.”
    “Susan
is
married to Tom, Sally,” says Jane.
    “Then who is that
schmo
?” asks Sally.
    “That is Phil,” says Jane.

    “I thought Phil was married to Bev,” says Sally.
    “Phil
is
married to Bev,” says Jane.
    “
Hoo-hah
!” thinks Sally.

    Jane, Bob, Sally, Katie, and Scott get to the table.
    Everyone says hello and gets settled.
    “I love their Lake Tung Ting Shrimp,” says Bob.

    “Do you like shrimp, Aunt Sally?” asks Zach.
    “Shrimp?” says Sally.
“Feh!”
    “Look, Dick,” says Sally.
    “Tom’s wife, Susan, is kissing Phil.”
    “Yes, Sally, they are good friends,” says Dick.
    “That is not how friends kiss, Dick,” says Sally.
    “I think Susan and Phil are
shtupping
.”
    “Oh no,” says Dick.
    “They are just happy to see each other.”
    “Susan is such a
bren
,” says Jane.
    “Come on, Dick and Jane,” says Sally. “This is a
shanda
.”
    “What is?” asks Dick.
    “Oh, never mind,” says Sally. “Pass the
Mu Shoo
.”

    The next night, Bob and Jane and Sally go to Ellen’s birthday dinner.
    Ellen shows off the beautiful purse that Jane gave her.
    Jane is very confused.
    “Look, Bob and Sally,” says Jane. “Ellen did not give my purse to Betty! Betty must have bought her own purse.
    I feel like such a
shmegegge
.”
    “You are not a
shmegegge
, Jane,” says Sally.
    “The man who sold you the purse lied. He said it was one of a kind. But it was not. He is a
goniff
! Someone ought to give him a
zetz
in the
schnoz
.”
    The next day Dick picks up Jane and Sally.
    They drive to visit Mother.
    They drive near Tom’s house.
    “I should stop and give Tom his sand wedge back,” says Dick.
    “He has been
hokking me a tshynik
about it all week.”
    Dick parks the car in front of Tom’s house.

    Someone comes out of Tom’s house. It is Stanley!
    “What is Stanley doing there?” asks Dick.
    “Maybe Tom wants Stanley to sell the house for him,” says Jane. “You know how Tom hates to
handl
.”

    Tom comes out.
    Tom kisses Stanley on the mouth.
    Sally starts to laugh.
    “No wonder Susan is with Phil,” says Sally. “Tom is gay!”
    “Tom is more than gay, Sally,” says Dick. “He is overjoyed.”
    “Of course,” says Jane.
    “Stanley must have just told Tom what a good price he can get on his house.”
    “
Oy Gotenyu
,” sighs Sally.

    Dick and Jane and Sally go to Mother’s house.
    Mother
kvells
when she sees Sally.
    “Sally!” says Mother.
    “You look wonderful.
    You have not changed a bit.”
    “Yes I have, Mother,” says Sally. “I am fat and I have a mustache. I am a big
meeskite
.”
    “You are not fat, Sally,” says Mother. “You are
zaftig
.”
    “Mother,” says Sally. “Look at me.”
    “I am looking at you, Sally,” says Mother.
    “You look just like you used to.”
    Mother holds up a picture.
    It is a picture of Dick and Jane and Sally.
    In the picture they are children. Mother and Father and Spot and Puff are also in the picture.

    “See?” says Mother. “Everyone is so
freylech
.”
    Sally points to the picture.
    “I am not like this anymore, Mother. The world is not like this.
    People are not nice.
    They are mean.
    I am on MatchMeIfYouCan.com and every man I meet is a
shlemiel
.
    “I am lonely, frustrated, bored, and overweight.
    My boss is a
putz
and I hate my hair.”

    “Your hair is beautiful, Sally,” says Mother.
    “You did not help me to get ready to live in the real world!” cries Sally.
    “I raised you to live in the world that I lived in, dear,” says Mother.

    Sally gives up.
    She goes downstairs.
    Priscilla is dusting in the living room.
    She is smoking a big cigarette that she rolled herself.
    “Did you have a nice visit with your ma?” asks Priscilla.
    “It made me sad,” says Sally.
    “Why are you sad?” asks Priscilla. “Your ma is happy.
    Your brother Dick and sister Jane are happy, too.
    The whole
mishpocha
is