You Suck by Christopher Moore Page B

HOMELESS AND SOMEONE SHAVED MY HUGE CAT . William had changed his sign. Chet the huge cat was still wearing Jody’s sweater. He eyed the two vampires suspiciously as they approached.
    Tommy held the bottle of Johnny Walker out to William. “Merry Christmas.”
    William took the liquor and squirreled it away in his coat. “Most people just give money,” he said.
    “We’re cutting out the middleman,” Jody said. “How are you feeling today?”
    “Great, why? Really good, you know, considering that I’m homeless and you guys shaved my cat.”
    “You were pretty hammered last night.”
    “Yeah, but I feel great today.”
    “That’s how it used to affect me,” Tommy said. “Remember. Kind of energizing.”
    Jody waved Tommy away. “You didn’t get light-headed or anything?” Jody asked.
    “I was a little hungover when I woke up, but I was fine after a couple of cups of coffee.”
    “Fuck!” Jody spat. Then she held her head.
    “Calm,” Tommy said, patting her shoulder. “Dr. Flood will make it all better. Maybe.”
    Jody growled, just loud enough for Tommy to hear.
    “Ya know,” said William, when there was a break in the pedestrian traffic and he didn’t have to concentrate on looking pathetic, “I’m flush for cash, but since you’re in the Christmas spirit, I’d still go for a look at Red’s hooters.”
    “Bite me, dirtbag,” Jody said as she rolled up on William.
    “Honey.” Tommy caught the back of her newly purchased red leather jacket, just in case. They’d never know if his idea was going to work if Jody snapped the bum’s neck.
    “I will not be sexually harassed by the entrée.”
    “Something you ate isn’t agreeing with you?” Tommy grinned at her when she looked back at him, but the fire went out of her eyes.
    “You can just cross sweet monkey love right off your list,” Jody said.
    “Jeez, what a bitch,” said William. “Her time of the month?”
    Tommy quickly wrapped his arms around Jody, lifted her off her feet, and carried her a few steps around the corner, even as she squirmed.
    “Let me go, I’m not going to hurt him.”
    “Good.”
    “Much.”
    “That’s what I thought,” Tommy said, still holding her tight. “Why don’t you head over to the Walgreens and I’ll finish up with the huge cat guy?”
    A family of Christmas shoppers smiled as they passed them, thinking they were young lovers indulging in a public display of affection. The father whispered “Get a room” under his breath to his wife, which a normal person wouldn’t have heard.
    “Count your lucky stars, buddy, we almost did it in the Santa’s Workshop window. Hot, sweaty elf sex—in front of the kids. The kids would have liked that, huh?”
    The father hurried his family on down the street.
    “Nice,” Jody said. “Way to stay under the radar.”
    “Well, you know, I like to stay sharp,” Tommy said. Because he was nineteen and had only started having sex regularly since he met Jody, he still thought he had some sort of secret knowledge that was unavailable to other people. How can they possibly be thinking about anything else? he thought in the private part of his mind.
    “I’ll bet it smells like peppermint,” Tommy said.
    “What?”
    “Elf sex.”
    “Would you please put me down.”
    “Okay, but don’t hurt the huge cat guy.”
    “I’m fine. I’ll meet you at the drugstore in five minutes. This had better work.”
    “Five minutes,” Tommy said. “Cinnamon. Maybe it smells like cinnamon.”
     
    T he pale couple stalked the aisles of the Walgreens, having a great time dismissing the crass accoutrements of bourgeois American life, and generally scoffing at all the conventions of traditional culture. They were elite, after all. Special. Chosen—if you will—if only by the nature of their heightened sensitivities and superior sensibilities. They both claimed the ability to look past the facade put on by most people, and see the very depths of the human soul. Strange,