Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You by Jim Taylor Page B
Authors: Jim Taylor
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messages.
DISCONNECT BETWEEN SEND AND RECEIVE: “BUT I DIDN’T MEAN THAT.”
A disconnect between sending and receiving can occur in several places. You may intend to send one message but end up sending another. The disconnect here is between your intention and your action. For example, you may intend to communicate to your children the message that they should eat their vegetables because vegetables will help them to grow big and strong, but the actual message you send is that “I get mad at you when you don’t eat your vegetables.”
The disconnect can also occur between what you send and what your children receive. Don’t think about the message you mean to convey, but rather the message your children will probably get. Ask yourself: How clear is my message? If I were three years old, for instance, what message would I get? Here’s an example. You work very hard at a job for which you earn a good living that affords your family a comfortable lifestyle. You want to send your children the message that you love your work and taking care of your family is important to you. But the message they get is that “my momma cares more about her job than she does about me.” These two very different messages have very different ramifications for your children’s perceptions of your work and how you feel about them.
To clarify the messages you send about your work, you could ensure that your children get your real message about taking care of your family by talking to them about why you work so hard and how difficult it is to be away from them. You can also be sure that you spend as much quality time as possible with your children so they getthe real message loud and clear: You love them more than anything. You’re also modeling the meta-message of how life works: When you grow up there are things you want to do (e.g., be with your children) and there are things that you must do (e.g., support your family).
Also, as mentioned earlier, children have different learning styles that will affect their receptivity to your messages. As your children develop, you will get a sense of what their learning strengths are. With this knowledge, you can tailor your messages to fit their particular style. For instance, let’s say you want to send your toddler the message to bring his bowl to the sink after a meal. For an auditory learner, you might explain to him what you want, whereas with a visual learner, you might show him what to do. A disconnect in these areas can doom your message even before it is sent.
Your children also have different temperaments, each of which can affect whether and how they pick up the messages you send them. You should consider your children’s inborn temperament when you send messages; are your children stubborn and controlling, or do they have difficulty paying attention? For example, an emotionally sensitive child may be more vulnerable to conflicting, inconsistent, or emotional messages than one who is more stoic.
These examples illustrate the importance of using as many conduits as possible to communicate messages. Because there are so many factors that affect whether your children get the right message, increasing the number of ways you express a message improves the chances that your children will get the message you intend.
INFREQUENT MESSAGES: “HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU?”
Messages can have a powerful impact on children, if they get through. Some messages are so potent they can get through with just one or two expressions. For example, children don’t need to touch a hot stove twice to get the message to stay away from it. Butwith most messages, the more you “click the send button,” the better the chance your children will get them. So if you don’t send your children a message with sufficient frequency, it may not sink in.
Everyday life, for most parents, is incredibly busy, with a long list of daily priorities including work, meals, housekeeping, family care, and
DISCONNECT BETWEEN SEND AND RECEIVE: “BUT I DIDN’T MEAN THAT.”
A disconnect between sending and receiving can occur in several places. You may intend to send one message but end up sending another. The disconnect here is between your intention and your action. For example, you may intend to communicate to your children the message that they should eat their vegetables because vegetables will help them to grow big and strong, but the actual message you send is that “I get mad at you when you don’t eat your vegetables.”
The disconnect can also occur between what you send and what your children receive. Don’t think about the message you mean to convey, but rather the message your children will probably get. Ask yourself: How clear is my message? If I were three years old, for instance, what message would I get? Here’s an example. You work very hard at a job for which you earn a good living that affords your family a comfortable lifestyle. You want to send your children the message that you love your work and taking care of your family is important to you. But the message they get is that “my momma cares more about her job than she does about me.” These two very different messages have very different ramifications for your children’s perceptions of your work and how you feel about them.
To clarify the messages you send about your work, you could ensure that your children get your real message about taking care of your family by talking to them about why you work so hard and how difficult it is to be away from them. You can also be sure that you spend as much quality time as possible with your children so they getthe real message loud and clear: You love them more than anything. You’re also modeling the meta-message of how life works: When you grow up there are things you want to do (e.g., be with your children) and there are things that you must do (e.g., support your family).
Also, as mentioned earlier, children have different learning styles that will affect their receptivity to your messages. As your children develop, you will get a sense of what their learning strengths are. With this knowledge, you can tailor your messages to fit their particular style. For instance, let’s say you want to send your toddler the message to bring his bowl to the sink after a meal. For an auditory learner, you might explain to him what you want, whereas with a visual learner, you might show him what to do. A disconnect in these areas can doom your message even before it is sent.
Your children also have different temperaments, each of which can affect whether and how they pick up the messages you send them. You should consider your children’s inborn temperament when you send messages; are your children stubborn and controlling, or do they have difficulty paying attention? For example, an emotionally sensitive child may be more vulnerable to conflicting, inconsistent, or emotional messages than one who is more stoic.
These examples illustrate the importance of using as many conduits as possible to communicate messages. Because there are so many factors that affect whether your children get the right message, increasing the number of ways you express a message improves the chances that your children will get the message you intend.
INFREQUENT MESSAGES: “HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU?”
Messages can have a powerful impact on children, if they get through. Some messages are so potent they can get through with just one or two expressions. For example, children don’t need to touch a hot stove twice to get the message to stay away from it. Butwith most messages, the more you “click the send button,” the better the chance your children will get them. So if you don’t send your children a message with sufficient frequency, it may not sink in.
Everyday life, for most parents, is incredibly busy, with a long list of daily priorities including work, meals, housekeeping, family care, and
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