A Walk in the Snark by Rachel Thompson

hit my kids. If they misbehave, I either sing loudly or speak in a British accent. In public. #cruelmothertricks”
     
    DAYS OF THE WEEK, DECONSTRUCTED
     
    We all have our foibles. I’ve accepted that my guy will wear his stupid, retinal-burning pants with or without me dying of embarrassment. It just is what it is. Sigh.
     
    I’m not sure guys think in terms of alphabetical order—um, especially when it comes to days of the week. So my guy has had to deal with my OCD regarding something that I have no control over (which is, of course, the epitome of OCD, yes?) but I don’t care.
     
    Just um, go with it. It all makes sense if you really think about it. And if it doesn’t?
     
    Shhhh. Don’t tell me. I might start reorganizing your sock drawer.
     
     
     
    I’ve decided to redo the days of the week.
     
    Yeah, cause they just don’t make that much sense, ya know, alphabetically .
     
    Shut up. This is my world.
     
    I’m sure you’re probably thinking, “Um, what does this have to do with like, men, women, and the normal stuff this chick usually writes about?”
     
    It will all make sense, dear child.
     
    So…our first day of the week is now—Friday.
     
    Par-tay!
     
    Also, I think people would be MUCH happier starting the workweek off with a day that starts with the letter F, don’t you?
     
    Think about it. I can wait.
     
    *Whistles*
     
    Now that you’re back with smiles on your faces (See? Told ya. Happier.), we can move on to Day Two, Monday. Personally, I would have preferred to push this evil day all the way back to the end of the week (or just change the name entirely), but our alphabet friend here is kind of a stickler and insists on adhering to the damn rules. Bitch.
     
    To her face, however, we say thanks since she did allow us to start the week off with, ya know, the F-word and all.
     
    Okay. Moving on.
     
    The third day of the week is now Saturday, conveniently followed alphabetically by Sunday. Woo-hoo. In our new workweek, we slave for two days and then get a weekend. I know. See, our little alphabet isn’t really that much of a snappypants after all, now is she?
     
    Working only two days and then having a weekend off has now been proven in studies to not only decrease anger, but has also been shown to increase world peace. And brownies.
     
    Moving on.
     
    On the heels of our leisurely weekend of more sex, reading, and world peace comes Thursday. Most folks are pretty comfortable with Thursday already, so coming back to it after the weekend doesn’t freak them out like Monday did. Thursday is even given Most Favored Day of the Week status in many countries, which is quite exciting, given that it had lived in that other Tday’s (Tuesday) shadow all its former life.
     
    It really is wonderful to watch Thursday blossom so. I’m really hoping it grows up into Must-See TV. Again.
     
    This brings us to Tuesday, which is the next day alphabetically after Thursday. People initially have a hard time adjusting to Thursday-Tuesday, which causes some tongue-twisting confusion at preschools and daycares around the world, particularly when it comes to clothing color coordination, carpool, and the like. Disheveled children and parents work through it like champs however, with lots of coffee and strategically placed Sticky Notes.
     
    The final day of the week is now Wednesday. Wednesday is easy. Wednesday is fun. People finally learn how to spell it. It also thankfully loses the unfortunate moniker of “Hump Day,” which it found rather embarrassing growing up and well, undignified, to be quite honest.
     
    Now all of the days of the week are lined up in perfect alphabetical order. Doesn’t that make more sense? I know I can breathe now.
     
    Oh yeah—so how does all of this relate to men and women (besides the obvious F-word part)?
     
    You see, alphabetically , men come before women.
     
    Read that sentence again.
     
    The end.
     
    ***
     
    “ People are wrong about me. I don’t