Chasing William by Therese McFadden

know that I have to teach Amanda
a lesson, I have to call her out, and I have to do it now.
    “Hey, Amanda, what’s going on?” I’m shaking.
I’m so upset I’m actually shaking and I don’t know if it’s because
I miss William or because I’ve finally had enough with Amanda.
    “Christine! Oh my god. Did no one tell you
again? I was wondering why you hadn’t asked for a ride. I can’t
believe this keeps happening. I’m so sorry!”
    I notice she didn’t work an invitation in
there anywhere, and I feel myself shake even more and my mind
starts to cloud and I know I should shut up and walk away. For once
I don’t walk away and once I open my mouth I don’t know how to
stop.
    “Oh, shut the hell up, Amanda. What’s your
problem with me, huh? What’s your problem, Amanda? You think I’m so
dumb I actually fall for all this bullshit you’re giving me? I’m
not an idiot. Besides, it doesn’t even take that much effort to see
through someone as shallow as you. Is it because I’m better in
English than you? Is that what this whole thing’s about? Or are you
just a bitch? I think you’re just a bitch. You must be, because you
sure as hell aren’t a friend of mine! Why weren’t you there with me
at his funeral if we’re supposed to be such great friends? Where
the hell were you when William died? He was my boyfriend and now
he’s dead, and where the fuck were you through the whole damn
thing? Where the fuck were you, Amanda? What’s your excuse for
that?” My throat is sore because I’ve been screaming and sobbing.
I’m still sobbing. I want to crawl into a locker and never come out
again. Everyone heard, there’s no way they didn’t. At least the
teachers are kind enough to not come out of their classrooms. I
have no idea what to do next and I never wanted me and William to
come out like this. I never wanted to use his death in anger. It
wasn’t something I wanted people to feel sorry for me about, or use
it to get attention. It had just become such a part of me and I’d
been so desperate to tell someone.
    Amanda looks down at me. She isn’t even mad,
she just looks superior. It’s like she’d been waiting for me to
break and I’d finally done her a favor. Whatever she does next I
have to stay for it. My legs are weak and I want to throw up, but I
have to stand here and take it.
    “Well, I guess you know why you’re never
invited.” Her eyes are triumphant. “Oh, and using someone’s death
to hide behind is just really low. Dirt low.”
    She turns around and Liz follows without
even looking at me. That’s fine, we’d never really been that great
of friends. Mars looks confused, but Amanda’s her ride so she
doesn’t really have a choice what side to take. Prudence looks at
me and her eyes are sad, but they also say “I don’t want it to be
me,” and she follows.
    Not only am I alone, I don’t even have a
pack to hide in. I just want to get out, I don’t want to be here
anymore. I need a break. I need a vacation from reality and school,
and all these people. Even Christmas break won’t be enough. Staying
at home “relaxing” was just what I did when he died and it isn’t
going to be enough this time. I actually need to get away. I have
to get away from all the places I’ve shared with him, all the
places I’ve had to be without him, away from the “friends” who
didn’t understand.
    My ride home is unusually quiet. I can’t
even bring myself to turn on the radio. I want to die. At least
then I’d be with Will and not have to go back to school and face
the rest of my life. I have no idea how I’m going to get through
this.
    “Hey, sweetie. What’s wrong?”
    I hate that my mom can tell what’s wrong
just by how I open the door. I also really need the opening. I go
into the kitchen, sit down, put my arms on the table and bury my
head, talking through my arms while sobbing out the whole story for
hours.
    “And he was my boyfriend and I didn’t want
to tell anybody