Ms. Krup Cracks Me Up! by Dan Gutman

3
The Giganotosaurus
    â€œBingle boo!” said our bus driver, Mrs. Kormel. “Limpus kidoodle!”
    â€œBingle boo!” we all said, as we piled onto the bus.
    Mrs. Kormel invented her own secret language. So instead of just saying “Hello” and “Sit down,” she says “Bingleboo” and “Limpus kidoodle.”
    Mrs. Kormel is not normal.
    I had to lug my sleeping bag with me, because we were going to be spending the whole night in the natural history museum. Just what I always wanted to do, sleep next to boring dead stuff. * At least I had my Batman sleeping bag. Batman is cool.
    There were some grown-ups on the bus with us too. Mrs. Daisy and Mr. Macky and Mr. Docker were all there. Ryan’s mom, Mrs. Dole, came along as a chaperone. That’s a fancy word that means “agrown-up who hangs around with kids to make sure we don’t have any fun.”
    â€œAre we there yet?” I asked Mrs. Kormel as soon as she started driving.
    â€œNo, A.J.,” she said.
    I kept asking Mrs. Kormel every five minutes if we were there yet. Any time you’re in a car or bus, always ask if you’re there yet—even if you know perfectly well that you’re not there yet. That’s the first rule of being a kid.
    It took a million hundred hours to get to the natural history museum.
    â€œPinkle burflenobin!” announced Mrs. Kormel when the bus finally stopped.
    That means “Everybody get off the bus”in Mrs. Kormel’s secret language.
    As soon as we walked into the museum, we heard an announcement: “The museum will be closing in five minutes.”
    â€œYay!” I shouted. “We can go home!”
    â€œThat means everybody else has to go home, Arlo,” said Andrea.
    â€œI knew that,” I lied. I hate it when Andrea calls me by my real name.
    In the entrance of the museum, I looked up and saw the most amazing thing in the history of the world! It was a huge dinosaur skeleton that just about filled the whole room! Dinosaurs are cool. *
    â€œWOW!” everybody said, which is “MOM” upside-down.
    â€œIt’s a Giganotosaurus !” said Andrea. “He was one of the biggest meat-eating dinosaurs in the world—even bigger than T. rex !”
    â€œThat’s right, Andrea!” said Mr. Docker. “How did you know that?”
    â€œI read about the Giganotosaurus in my encyclopedia,” said Andrea, all proud of herself. “He weighed eight tons!”

    â€œHe should have gone to Weight Watchers,” I said. “My momlost twenty pounds that way.”
    â€œWhere do you think they got a Giganotosaurus ?” asked Ryan.
    â€œThey probably went to Rent-a-Dinosaur,” Michael said. “You can rent anything.”

    Next to the Giganotosaurus was a big bear that was standing up on its hind legs like it was about toattack. It was cool, and scary.
    Ryan’s mom and the other grown-ups told us to spread out our sleeping bags on the floor underneath Giganotosaurus . Then they went off to do boring grownup stuff, like drink coffee and talk about the weather. What’s up with that? Grown-ups are always drinking coffee and talking about the weather. I tasted coffee once, and I thought I was gonna throw up. But if they didn’t drink coffee and talk about the weather, I don’t know what grown-ups would do all day. They’re weird.
    Speaking of grown-ups, I wrote a poem about my dad. It goes like this:
    My dad has hair growing out of his nose.
    If he didn’t cut it, it would reach his toes.
    He also has hair coming out of his ears.
    I tried to tell him, but he couldn’t hear.
    Why do men grow hair in such strange places?
    I thought it was weird when it grew on their faces.
    I unrolled my sleeping bag right next to Ryan’s. Then I turned around and saw…
    THE COOLEST THING IN THEHISTORY OF THE WORLD!
    I’m not gonna tell you what it was.
    Okay, okay, I’ll tell