Sheila, ‘an’ ’e’s a bit of a lady’s man.’
While Ronnie was in the Gents, Jimmy had moved in for the kill and slipped into the bench seat next to Ruby. ‘ ’Ow about that cocktail, Ruby?’ said Jimmy.
‘Ah’d better not, Jimmy. My Ronnie might get vexed,’ said Ruby.
‘Nay, Ruby, when ah were in t’army wi’ Ronnie we ’ad some fun,’ said Jimmy, slipping his arm round Ruby’s shoulders.
‘Mebbe y’did but my Ronnie used t’write t’me regular,’ said Ruby.
‘Ah used t’write t’dozens o’ girls,’ boasted Jimmy.
‘ ’E once wrote SWALK on one of ’is letters,’ said Ruby dreamily.
‘Ah used t’write NORWICH on mine,’ said Jimmy, with a knowing look.
‘Norwich?’ said Ruby, looking puzzled.
‘Aye,’ said Jimmy: ‘Nickers Off Ready When I Come Home!’
‘Oooh, Jimmy, you are a one,’ said Ruby, her cheeks red with embarrassment.
‘That’s f’me t’know an’ you t’find out,’ said Jimmy, suggestively stroking the letters on his headband. ‘Y’should’ve come away wi’ me instead o’ marrying Ronnie. ’E were never gonna mek owt of ’imself … not like me.’
‘Y’blow yer own trumpet, Jimmy,’ said Ruby.
‘Ah’ve allus fancied you summat rotten, Ruby, so ’ow about lettin’ me walk yer ’ome? Your Ronnie’s a waste o’ space.’
But, unfortunately for Jimmy, Ronnie’s son Duggie had heard this conversation and hurried away to whisper in his father’s ear. Jimmy, finally rebuffed by Ruby, wandered out to his van and Ronnie followed close behind with the Ragley Rovers football team in close attendance. Ruby, sensing trouble, hurried after them.
Outside in the darkness, Ronnie grabbed Jimmy’s shoulder and swung him round. ‘You leave my Ruby alone, y’big, long-’aired jessie,’ he shouted angrily.
Jimmy, a born coward, stepped back in alarm and stumbled on the steep slope of the grass bank. To his horror he fell backwards with a huge splash into the duck pond. Ruby screamed; Ronnie ran down the bank in alarm and grabbed Jimmy’s flailing arm. But it was too late.
‘Oh no!’ shouted Jimmy as he splashed frantically in the water. All the football team had gathered behind Ronnie and stared in amazement as Jimmy stood up in the muddy water.
‘Bloody ’ell, jus’ look at that,’ shouted Ronnie and the crowd began to laugh. The Jimmy that emerged from the water was very different from the Jimmy that had fallen in. Jimmy was completely bald and his blond wig, like a fluorescent lily pad in the moonlight, was floating away.
‘ ’E’s no ’air!’ exclaimed Big Dave.
‘Y’reight there, Dave,’ agreed Little Malcolm.
With his image shattered for ever, Jimmy ran to his van and drove off up the Easington Road.
Ruby walked over to Ronnie and put her arm round his waist. ‘ ’E were a reight flash ’Arry,’ she said.
‘Forget ’im, Ruby,’ said Ronnie.
Ruby didn’t reply but looked wistful.
‘You’ll allus be my Ruby,’ said Ronnie as he leaned over and pecked her lightly on the cheek.
‘Oh, Ronnie,’ spluttered Ruby, ‘y’mekkin’ me feel all unnecessary.’
The first hint of alarm bells began to ring in Ronnie’s head. ‘Anyway,’ he added, taking a step back, ‘ah allus thought y’were beautiful.’
‘Oh, Ronnie,’ said Ruby, almost overcome with emotion.
‘An’ yur ’air is a lovely colour,’ said Ronnie a little desperately. ‘It’s just like Cleopatra.’
‘Y’mean when Elizabeth Taylor were that Queen of Egypt?’
Ronnie looked confused. He thought Elizabeth Taylor was a film star. ‘No,’ he said. ‘Ah mean Jodie Cuthbertson’s talking parrot.’
‘A parrot!’ said Ruby. ‘Y’mean my ’air looks like a parrot?’
‘But it’s a smashing colour,’ said Ronnie hastily. ‘It won a prize at las’ year’s show.’
‘Oh, ah see,’ said Ruby.
‘Anyway, Ruby, y’know ’ow ah feel about you,’ whispered Ronnie.
‘Tell me, then,’ said Ruby.
‘Ah don’t like.
While Ronnie was in the Gents, Jimmy had moved in for the kill and slipped into the bench seat next to Ruby. ‘ ’Ow about that cocktail, Ruby?’ said Jimmy.
‘Ah’d better not, Jimmy. My Ronnie might get vexed,’ said Ruby.
‘Nay, Ruby, when ah were in t’army wi’ Ronnie we ’ad some fun,’ said Jimmy, slipping his arm round Ruby’s shoulders.
‘Mebbe y’did but my Ronnie used t’write t’me regular,’ said Ruby.
‘Ah used t’write t’dozens o’ girls,’ boasted Jimmy.
‘ ’E once wrote SWALK on one of ’is letters,’ said Ruby dreamily.
‘Ah used t’write NORWICH on mine,’ said Jimmy, with a knowing look.
‘Norwich?’ said Ruby, looking puzzled.
‘Aye,’ said Jimmy: ‘Nickers Off Ready When I Come Home!’
‘Oooh, Jimmy, you are a one,’ said Ruby, her cheeks red with embarrassment.
‘That’s f’me t’know an’ you t’find out,’ said Jimmy, suggestively stroking the letters on his headband. ‘Y’should’ve come away wi’ me instead o’ marrying Ronnie. ’E were never gonna mek owt of ’imself … not like me.’
‘Y’blow yer own trumpet, Jimmy,’ said Ruby.
‘Ah’ve allus fancied you summat rotten, Ruby, so ’ow about lettin’ me walk yer ’ome? Your Ronnie’s a waste o’ space.’
But, unfortunately for Jimmy, Ronnie’s son Duggie had heard this conversation and hurried away to whisper in his father’s ear. Jimmy, finally rebuffed by Ruby, wandered out to his van and Ronnie followed close behind with the Ragley Rovers football team in close attendance. Ruby, sensing trouble, hurried after them.
Outside in the darkness, Ronnie grabbed Jimmy’s shoulder and swung him round. ‘You leave my Ruby alone, y’big, long-’aired jessie,’ he shouted angrily.
Jimmy, a born coward, stepped back in alarm and stumbled on the steep slope of the grass bank. To his horror he fell backwards with a huge splash into the duck pond. Ruby screamed; Ronnie ran down the bank in alarm and grabbed Jimmy’s flailing arm. But it was too late.
‘Oh no!’ shouted Jimmy as he splashed frantically in the water. All the football team had gathered behind Ronnie and stared in amazement as Jimmy stood up in the muddy water.
‘Bloody ’ell, jus’ look at that,’ shouted Ronnie and the crowd began to laugh. The Jimmy that emerged from the water was very different from the Jimmy that had fallen in. Jimmy was completely bald and his blond wig, like a fluorescent lily pad in the moonlight, was floating away.
‘ ’E’s no ’air!’ exclaimed Big Dave.
‘Y’reight there, Dave,’ agreed Little Malcolm.
With his image shattered for ever, Jimmy ran to his van and drove off up the Easington Road.
Ruby walked over to Ronnie and put her arm round his waist. ‘ ’E were a reight flash ’Arry,’ she said.
‘Forget ’im, Ruby,’ said Ronnie.
Ruby didn’t reply but looked wistful.
‘You’ll allus be my Ruby,’ said Ronnie as he leaned over and pecked her lightly on the cheek.
‘Oh, Ronnie,’ spluttered Ruby, ‘y’mekkin’ me feel all unnecessary.’
The first hint of alarm bells began to ring in Ronnie’s head. ‘Anyway,’ he added, taking a step back, ‘ah allus thought y’were beautiful.’
‘Oh, Ronnie,’ said Ruby, almost overcome with emotion.
‘An’ yur ’air is a lovely colour,’ said Ronnie a little desperately. ‘It’s just like Cleopatra.’
‘Y’mean when Elizabeth Taylor were that Queen of Egypt?’
Ronnie looked confused. He thought Elizabeth Taylor was a film star. ‘No,’ he said. ‘Ah mean Jodie Cuthbertson’s talking parrot.’
‘A parrot!’ said Ruby. ‘Y’mean my ’air looks like a parrot?’
‘But it’s a smashing colour,’ said Ronnie hastily. ‘It won a prize at las’ year’s show.’
‘Oh, ah see,’ said Ruby.
‘Anyway, Ruby, y’know ’ow ah feel about you,’ whispered Ronnie.
‘Tell me, then,’ said Ruby.
‘Ah don’t like.
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