100 Days of April-May by Edyth Bulbring Page B

world it’s cocktail hour …’ and that he thinks he could do with something a little stronger.
    Ishmael says he thinks Trevor has been drinking cocktails for the past three hours because he smells like he has been gargling with brandy. ‘And in any case we don’t drink hard liquor in our family,’ Ishmael says, giving Trevor a glare full of meaning.
    Trevor lifts his sunglasses and gives Ishmael a bloody eyeball and says that his family were suckled on hard liquor, and what did Ishmael say his family name was again?
    Now that I look at Trevor and Ishmael I see that they don’t look at all alike. They can’t possibly be related. And then Ishmael looks at Trevor and I think he comes to the very same conclusion, because Ishmael takes Fluffy aside and says, ‘I think I’ve made a big mess.’
    I can’t bear to watch Fluffy shred his hair so I go and sit on the couch and write a letter to Melly. My dear friend Melly, who is slowly on the mend at Groote Schuur Hospital following her second operation.
    I have been instructed by Melly’s mom that Melly must not be upset or excited in any way, so I only tell her about the unseasonable weather (violent thunderstorms) and some of Nameless Dog’s antics (only the ones that will not cause undue stress – obviously).
    Nameless Dog is sitting on the couch next to me, chewing away at some supermarket bags as he watches reruns of
The Dog Whisperer
, an excellent educational show that teaches owners how to train their dogs and wean them off their unsociable habits. Fluffy says that if there is one thing we can do to try and keep a bit of peace, it is getting Nameless Dog to stop devouring everything in sight. ‘It’s driving Julia mental.’ (A bit like me, though Fluffy tries not to use any of the crazy words in reference to me in case it stops me dealing with my mom issues in therapy with Dr Gainsborough.)
    So in the interests of harmony I get Nameless Dog to watch
The Dog Whisperer
twice a day. And Nameless Dog learns from dog-training guru Cesar Millan (and his pit bulls, Daddy and Junior) respect for the territorial rights of the alpha species (humans). I’m just telling Melly how Nameless Dog tenderised Mrs Ho’s leather briefcase (a graduation present from her deceased husband) when I hear the front door give a vicious slam. And then a car roars off, with a screeching of tyres.
    I go into the kitchen and find Ishmael and Fluffy doubled up. Tears are streaming down Fluffy’s face and Ishmael is snorting like a farmyard animal whose name I have forbidden myself from using in the English form (
Sus domestica
).
    â€˜What’s the joke?’
    So Fluffy tells me. It turns out that not only are Trevor and Phineus not related to Ishmael at all – and they have never even met before today – but, in fact, Trevor and Phineus are not even really builders. ‘Can you believe it, April – not even builders!’ Fluffy cackles.
    I tell Fluffy that I can believe it. ‘They are just a couple of chancers who saw you coming,’ I say.
    â€˜Well, at least that explains why they didn’t do much building. I mean, knocking a hole through a wall and shifting the rubble about isn’t really building, is it?’
    I tell Fluffy it certainly isn’t. And as it is now only eight weeks until our euro-flush soccer-mad guest arrives to take up residence in Chez Matchbox’s garage, perhaps he should find a couple of people who actually build for a living.
    Fluffy and Ishmael laugh a bit more and say things like ‘You fool!’, ‘You idiot!’, ‘You klutz!’ and ‘Oh, what a mess!’. Then Mrs Ho comes home and Fluffy and Ishmael stop laughing.
    â€˜What happened to the advance payment for labour and building materials that you laid out at the start of the job?’ Mrs Ho asks Fluffy. This was item three on the agenda. The item Fluffy and Ishmael didn’t