it. You, not me. Why are you giving me shit?” There was a pause on the other end and, though I felt bad about going in so hard, I had to release this pent up irritation.
“Did you sleep with that girl? The one in the photograph?” Her words were stern and moody and completely out of order, but hearing her voice turned me to mush.
“What photograph?” I was genuinely confused, I never bothered to look at the tabloids these days, they were so full of bullshit. I did have a memory of some paparazzi hanging outside the club—Mikey and I had been very likely to have been with fans, we always were when we went out. “I’m guessing it’s one printed in a crappy paper from last night? Not that it’s any of your business, but for your information I didn’t sleep with that girl in the photo. I didn’t sleep with any girl. But I’m probably going to at some point in my life. Anna, I can’t just not get on with things. You didn’t want me, I left you alone. You can’t give me grief about a photo in a paper after you blew me out.” I said all this very calmly, despite thinking that she was being excessively unreasonable.
“I can’t get you out of my head, Nate. I didn’t want to turn you away. I don’t want to deny myself. But it feels so difficult. You’ve got to understand, Becky is—”
“Yeah, yeah, I know, she’s your friend. You said a million times,” I interrupted her, irritation returning.
“I would never be able to tell her. Everything we did would have to be in secret and I don’t know if I could ever trust you.” Anna rushed the last sentence as if she had built up a lot of courage to get it out. I thought about my next move, this was the same old thing I’d heard again and again and I was tired of going over it.
“I can’t prove trust to you with words—you know I can’t—and I don’t see why I have to if you’re not prepared to give me a chance in the first place. But if you are, I would try and prove it to you through actions.” I cringed at the tacky line.
Hearing from her had really made me want to see her again. I was making promises I wasn’t sure about. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to be the person she deserved, didn’t know if I liked myself enough to be. All I knew was that I liked her, I really liked her, and I had no control over that. Anna went quiet for a long time while I paced the length of my room. It had sounded like she was willing to see me, albeit in secret, but I’d take it, it was better than not at all.
“Do you think you’d be able to come see me sometime this week? Without anyone knowing?” She sounded shy and adorable. I smiled, reassured that I’d won her over.
“I’ll try. I’m not sure of the schedule but I can look later on. I want to see you,” I added, quite honestly, before we hung up.
Being with someone, sharing my day, my world with someone, was what I wanted most of the time. But I’d been screwed over. Not just by Becky, but by the others before her too, and it had made me vengeful and cautious. Anna had been the first crack to have appeared in my armor and it worried me. It worried me that I wanted these things, but when I got them I would start to feel as though I’d be losing myself. There’d always be a sacrifice and that sacrifice would always have to come from me—they wouldn’t trust me to go out with the guys or be on tour alone, and then ultimately, I was the one getting my feelings trampled all over when they left. I gave my heart easily, at least I had in the past, but I was always waiting for that conversation, those pointed fingers, the breakdown of trust. It was infuriating. A lot of the girls I’d dated had been fans of the band, they knew exactly what they’d been getting themselves into—yet it always appeared to be a huge surprise to them. I never understood.
I’d meant it when I told Anna that she was different. She had been. She’d seemed like she
“Did you sleep with that girl? The one in the photograph?” Her words were stern and moody and completely out of order, but hearing her voice turned me to mush.
“What photograph?” I was genuinely confused, I never bothered to look at the tabloids these days, they were so full of bullshit. I did have a memory of some paparazzi hanging outside the club—Mikey and I had been very likely to have been with fans, we always were when we went out. “I’m guessing it’s one printed in a crappy paper from last night? Not that it’s any of your business, but for your information I didn’t sleep with that girl in the photo. I didn’t sleep with any girl. But I’m probably going to at some point in my life. Anna, I can’t just not get on with things. You didn’t want me, I left you alone. You can’t give me grief about a photo in a paper after you blew me out.” I said all this very calmly, despite thinking that she was being excessively unreasonable.
“I can’t get you out of my head, Nate. I didn’t want to turn you away. I don’t want to deny myself. But it feels so difficult. You’ve got to understand, Becky is—”
“Yeah, yeah, I know, she’s your friend. You said a million times,” I interrupted her, irritation returning.
“I would never be able to tell her. Everything we did would have to be in secret and I don’t know if I could ever trust you.” Anna rushed the last sentence as if she had built up a lot of courage to get it out. I thought about my next move, this was the same old thing I’d heard again and again and I was tired of going over it.
“I can’t prove trust to you with words—you know I can’t—and I don’t see why I have to if you’re not prepared to give me a chance in the first place. But if you are, I would try and prove it to you through actions.” I cringed at the tacky line.
Hearing from her had really made me want to see her again. I was making promises I wasn’t sure about. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to be the person she deserved, didn’t know if I liked myself enough to be. All I knew was that I liked her, I really liked her, and I had no control over that. Anna went quiet for a long time while I paced the length of my room. It had sounded like she was willing to see me, albeit in secret, but I’d take it, it was better than not at all.
“Do you think you’d be able to come see me sometime this week? Without anyone knowing?” She sounded shy and adorable. I smiled, reassured that I’d won her over.
“I’ll try. I’m not sure of the schedule but I can look later on. I want to see you,” I added, quite honestly, before we hung up.
Being with someone, sharing my day, my world with someone, was what I wanted most of the time. But I’d been screwed over. Not just by Becky, but by the others before her too, and it had made me vengeful and cautious. Anna had been the first crack to have appeared in my armor and it worried me. It worried me that I wanted these things, but when I got them I would start to feel as though I’d be losing myself. There’d always be a sacrifice and that sacrifice would always have to come from me—they wouldn’t trust me to go out with the guys or be on tour alone, and then ultimately, I was the one getting my feelings trampled all over when they left. I gave my heart easily, at least I had in the past, but I was always waiting for that conversation, those pointed fingers, the breakdown of trust. It was infuriating. A lot of the girls I’d dated had been fans of the band, they knew exactly what they’d been getting themselves into—yet it always appeared to be a huge surprise to them. I never understood.
I’d meant it when I told Anna that she was different. She had been. She’d seemed like she
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