preacher someday? I mean, I don’t really make good preacher’s wife material with that kind of background.”
“I would have married you even if I had already been a preacher. That has nothing to do with it.”
“Are you sure, Jake?”
He turned and kissed her on the cheek, his beard damp with water sprinkles. She grabbed his towel, rubbing her face.
“Do you believe me now?” he asked. She nodded slowly.
“ Gut .”
“So can I tell you something else then? And you won’t get mad?”
He glanced quickly at her. “Something more about Peter? Was it more than an ordinary kiss?”
“Jake,” she said, “I never would have done something like that. I’ve never known anyone but you.”
“Then how come one little kiss would make a boy so mad that he crashes his car?”
“I wondered that too,” she whispered. “I even wondered if maybe it was because he thought he might love me. That maybe under all that bravado he had real feelings for me, and it cut his heart deeply when I turned him down. I mean, Peter didn’t have to take me back home when I asked him to. Lots of boys in rumspringa don’t. And what could I have said in my own defense? I did sneak out of the window to be with him. No one would have believed me. Not even Mom and Dad would have.”
“That’s what you wanted to tell me?”
“There’s more. Something I’ve never told anyone. Not even Mom and Dad.” She paused. Jake was quiet and then nodded her on, his beard moving slightly in the pulsating light of the lantern, his eyes on the water in the sink.
“The night after the accident, I went down to the crash site, Jake. I snuck out of the window, climbing down the same way we had gone the night before. I walked down there in the darkness, using a flashlight so I could find my way. I hid in the ditch every time a car came along, scared to death someone would see me and report back to Mom and Dad. I never could have explained it to them, what I was doing. They would have thought me mad, and perhaps I was mad, Jake.”
“You went down by yourself? But you should have taken someone with you.”
“I know I should have, but I didn’t. And besides, who would I take?”
Jake rinsed a plate, lifting it carefully into place on the drainer, moving with deliberate motions.
“It was awful, Jake. The night was dark, and I found the spot where the grass was all burned away—and the bark halfway up a tree. It still smelled of gasoline, and tires, and horrible things I couldn’t even imagine. I shone my little flashlight around and found a piece of cloth they must have missed when they cleaned up. It was from the seat where I had been sitting only hours before. I looked at that cloth and thought how it could have been me in the car with him. Peter didn’t deserve to die, and I didn’t deserve to live. But I think he was sorry before he died, Jake. He had to have been. It was just too horrible to die there alone without the angels to carry him to heaven. The tree was all burned black, and the ground was all black too. I’ll never forget it, Jake.”
A tear formed and Jake reached up to brush it away from her cheek.
“Do you think he was sorry, Jake. Before he died?”
“I don’t know,” Jake said. “No one can know. Only God.”
“The minister at the funeral said it was possible.”
“It is possible,” Jake said as he nodded. “God would give Peter the time to repent if he wanted to.”
“I think he must have repented, Jake, because I think Peter wanted what was right.”
“It would be better if we didn’t live like Peter though,” Jake said. “Repenting so you can live right is better than repenting so you can die right. I want to teach my children that lesson.”
“I’m sure you will,” she said. “You will be a wonderful father.”
“What did you do with the piece of cloth? You didn’t keep it did you?”
She shook her head, “I buried it underneath the tree using a big stick I found. I got my hands all
“I would have married you even if I had already been a preacher. That has nothing to do with it.”
“Are you sure, Jake?”
He turned and kissed her on the cheek, his beard damp with water sprinkles. She grabbed his towel, rubbing her face.
“Do you believe me now?” he asked. She nodded slowly.
“ Gut .”
“So can I tell you something else then? And you won’t get mad?”
He glanced quickly at her. “Something more about Peter? Was it more than an ordinary kiss?”
“Jake,” she said, “I never would have done something like that. I’ve never known anyone but you.”
“Then how come one little kiss would make a boy so mad that he crashes his car?”
“I wondered that too,” she whispered. “I even wondered if maybe it was because he thought he might love me. That maybe under all that bravado he had real feelings for me, and it cut his heart deeply when I turned him down. I mean, Peter didn’t have to take me back home when I asked him to. Lots of boys in rumspringa don’t. And what could I have said in my own defense? I did sneak out of the window to be with him. No one would have believed me. Not even Mom and Dad would have.”
“That’s what you wanted to tell me?”
“There’s more. Something I’ve never told anyone. Not even Mom and Dad.” She paused. Jake was quiet and then nodded her on, his beard moving slightly in the pulsating light of the lantern, his eyes on the water in the sink.
“The night after the accident, I went down to the crash site, Jake. I snuck out of the window, climbing down the same way we had gone the night before. I walked down there in the darkness, using a flashlight so I could find my way. I hid in the ditch every time a car came along, scared to death someone would see me and report back to Mom and Dad. I never could have explained it to them, what I was doing. They would have thought me mad, and perhaps I was mad, Jake.”
“You went down by yourself? But you should have taken someone with you.”
“I know I should have, but I didn’t. And besides, who would I take?”
Jake rinsed a plate, lifting it carefully into place on the drainer, moving with deliberate motions.
“It was awful, Jake. The night was dark, and I found the spot where the grass was all burned away—and the bark halfway up a tree. It still smelled of gasoline, and tires, and horrible things I couldn’t even imagine. I shone my little flashlight around and found a piece of cloth they must have missed when they cleaned up. It was from the seat where I had been sitting only hours before. I looked at that cloth and thought how it could have been me in the car with him. Peter didn’t deserve to die, and I didn’t deserve to live. But I think he was sorry before he died, Jake. He had to have been. It was just too horrible to die there alone without the angels to carry him to heaven. The tree was all burned black, and the ground was all black too. I’ll never forget it, Jake.”
A tear formed and Jake reached up to brush it away from her cheek.
“Do you think he was sorry, Jake. Before he died?”
“I don’t know,” Jake said. “No one can know. Only God.”
“The minister at the funeral said it was possible.”
“It is possible,” Jake said as he nodded. “God would give Peter the time to repent if he wanted to.”
“I think he must have repented, Jake, because I think Peter wanted what was right.”
“It would be better if we didn’t live like Peter though,” Jake said. “Repenting so you can live right is better than repenting so you can die right. I want to teach my children that lesson.”
“I’m sure you will,” she said. “You will be a wonderful father.”
“What did you do with the piece of cloth? You didn’t keep it did you?”
She shook her head, “I buried it underneath the tree using a big stick I found. I got my hands all
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