political science for three decades before this year’s final graduating class signaled that he too was joining the ranks of unnecessary professionals.
“I still laugh,” the English officer said, pointing to the French officer, “about the time our chaps planted the story in the news about your President nearly dying from diarrhea. There was absolutely nothing to gain from it, my good man, except shits and giggles.”
The audience laughed. The other men on stage chuckled as well. The French officer could do nothing but pick imaginary lint from his shirt.
The Russian representative claimed to have had at least three different officers from each rival agency on his payroll. A brief round of bickering ensued when every other man claimed the same thing. The moderator asked what the point was to all of the secrets, double-crossing, and espionage, if every agency had men on the inside of every other agency.
The Chinese officer cleared his throat. “They didn’t have agents in every agency,” the man said.
When the intelligence officer from the United States and Russia started to protest, the Chinese representative pulled out a tablet for reference. “Yes, we knew about the men you had on your payroll in Beijing, Hangzhou, and Xi’an,” he said to the American. “And the men you were paying from Guangzhou, Shanghai, and Hong Kong,” he said to the Russian. “But we don’t count them because we were the ones who told them to start accepting money from you. It went into our party fund and paid for some nice lunch celebrations, but the men only fed you what we wanted them to.”
The American and the Russian sank back in their chairs without further protest.
The Israeli officer told the audience that the important thing, looking back, wasn’t what they had heard over the years, because that was just what the various agencies had wanted you to hear. “The things you hear about, even about our greatest blunders, was misinformation. We leaked stories of bungled assassination attempts to divert attention away from the fact that we had a computer transferring half of Iran’s economy into a secret fund.”
The English representative tried to say that the famous Rand fiasco, a drunken MI6 officer found sitting in a pool of his own urine in a French phone booth, was also a diversion tactic, but the French officer cut him off: “That was just a case of an Englishman who drank like a girl and pissed himself like a boy.”
The American officer thought this was hilarious and reached over to give the French officer an awkward high-five.
At first, the ribbing was good-natured, but after twenty minutes the men’s competitive spirit, if not remnants of their patriotism, started to surface. The Russian accused the American of backing out of a deal to share intelligence obtained from China. The Chinese representative said he already knew everything being given out to both countries. The Israeli officer made a bet with the man from China that he had a man on the inside who no one else knew about. The Englishman ruined the game by saying the spy’s name before the Israeli or Chinese could. The French representative said that was the first time MI6 actually knew something useful.
The American said he wasn’t sure why someone from France was even in attendance: “Did you guys actually do anything, or were you laughing at the paychecks you managed to collect?”
The French officer, tired of being belittled, left the stage. But before he did, he told the audience, “The CIA killed Kennedy. Every man on stage right now knows this as fact.” Then he gave the other men the middle finger and walked off.
The crowd, this was being held in London, booed him ferociously as he left.
He paused before stepping off the stage and disappearing behind a curtain. “Just so you all know,” the Frenchman added, “for the last fifty years our country has had three missiles, each nuclear ready, with a hundred times more payload than the
“I still laugh,” the English officer said, pointing to the French officer, “about the time our chaps planted the story in the news about your President nearly dying from diarrhea. There was absolutely nothing to gain from it, my good man, except shits and giggles.”
The audience laughed. The other men on stage chuckled as well. The French officer could do nothing but pick imaginary lint from his shirt.
The Russian representative claimed to have had at least three different officers from each rival agency on his payroll. A brief round of bickering ensued when every other man claimed the same thing. The moderator asked what the point was to all of the secrets, double-crossing, and espionage, if every agency had men on the inside of every other agency.
The Chinese officer cleared his throat. “They didn’t have agents in every agency,” the man said.
When the intelligence officer from the United States and Russia started to protest, the Chinese representative pulled out a tablet for reference. “Yes, we knew about the men you had on your payroll in Beijing, Hangzhou, and Xi’an,” he said to the American. “And the men you were paying from Guangzhou, Shanghai, and Hong Kong,” he said to the Russian. “But we don’t count them because we were the ones who told them to start accepting money from you. It went into our party fund and paid for some nice lunch celebrations, but the men only fed you what we wanted them to.”
The American and the Russian sank back in their chairs without further protest.
The Israeli officer told the audience that the important thing, looking back, wasn’t what they had heard over the years, because that was just what the various agencies had wanted you to hear. “The things you hear about, even about our greatest blunders, was misinformation. We leaked stories of bungled assassination attempts to divert attention away from the fact that we had a computer transferring half of Iran’s economy into a secret fund.”
The English representative tried to say that the famous Rand fiasco, a drunken MI6 officer found sitting in a pool of his own urine in a French phone booth, was also a diversion tactic, but the French officer cut him off: “That was just a case of an Englishman who drank like a girl and pissed himself like a boy.”
The American officer thought this was hilarious and reached over to give the French officer an awkward high-five.
At first, the ribbing was good-natured, but after twenty minutes the men’s competitive spirit, if not remnants of their patriotism, started to surface. The Russian accused the American of backing out of a deal to share intelligence obtained from China. The Chinese representative said he already knew everything being given out to both countries. The Israeli officer made a bet with the man from China that he had a man on the inside who no one else knew about. The Englishman ruined the game by saying the spy’s name before the Israeli or Chinese could. The French representative said that was the first time MI6 actually knew something useful.
The American said he wasn’t sure why someone from France was even in attendance: “Did you guys actually do anything, or were you laughing at the paychecks you managed to collect?”
The French officer, tired of being belittled, left the stage. But before he did, he told the audience, “The CIA killed Kennedy. Every man on stage right now knows this as fact.” Then he gave the other men the middle finger and walked off.
The crowd, this was being held in London, booed him ferociously as he left.
He paused before stepping off the stage and disappearing behind a curtain. “Just so you all know,” the Frenchman added, “for the last fifty years our country has had three missiles, each nuclear ready, with a hundred times more payload than the
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