nothing to do with her attire, but added to the ensemble nonetheless—looked small and button-like as it always did.
“Yes, everybody knows who you are, and you’re pretty, but people…”
“People what?” I asked, my hands now on my hips.
“They can’t make up their minds about you. They’re starting to catch on that you’re deceiving them, even after that Prince Tomas thing at the party.”
“Wow, thanks.”
“I’m sorry, but it’s the truth.”
“I have to get home now.”
“Lexie, wait.”
“No, I gotta go.”
***
I sat on the bus brooding, knowing what Caroline said was the truth. Some guy who smelled like feet and wore a trench coat sat down next to me, partially on top of my thigh. I scooted as far over as I could, pressing myself up against the window, watching everything go by: a hospital, a soccer field, a family walking down the sidewalk, people crossing the street, people in the parking lot to a Jewel, all people who probably didn’t lie about everything. People who weren’t afraid to admit who they were, where they came from, their awful histories.
To most, I probably looked totally normal, sitting there on the bus – at least on the outside. Long light-brown hair down my back, pale brown eyes, eyebrows a little too unruly, my trusty scarf around my neck. But I was really a girl whose mother left her when she was five, whose dad led a drug ring covering the northern suburbs and who now sat in jail for his crimes. I hadn’t talked to him since he was sent there. He’d requested to see me, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t go. So besides my grandma, all I had were my lies – the way I wished my life was. I just didn’t want to face the real me. The one who felt so alone and abandoned, responsible for a boy almost dying, scared that once something good came into her life it would be taken away. It was just better living in my world of make believe. In that world, I could at least pretend I was happy.
“What’s wrong?” my grandma asked when I walked in the front door. She was on the couch watching a game show on TV.
“Nothing, everything, me.”
“That’s a lot. Want to talk about it?”
“No.”
“Want to go to bingo?”
“Yes.”
“Really?” she asked.
“Maybe me screaming ‘bingo’ will fill the void.” I dropped my shoulders and dumped my bag on the ground.
“Oh my sweet.” My grandma turned off the TV. “Let me help fill that void.”
“With cookies?’
“If that’s a start, then yes.”
“Can I tell you what I think that void is from?” my grandma asked as we sat at the kitchen table eating sandwich cookies and watching the show that was on when I walked in the house. She glanced at the little white TV that sat on the table’s back corner and then back at me.
I sighed. I wasn’t prepared for an actual conversation. I just wanted a cookie.
“It’s your innocence. It was taken away that day. What you saw…”
“Oh please, not that again. Please don’t psychoanalyze me, Grandma.”
“Hey, young lady, you brought up the void.”
“Maybe it’s not a void, it’s…I don’t know. God, I don’t know what to do about him.”
“Ah, I see. Yes, makes sense.”
“What makes sense?”
“Boy troubles.”
“He just…ugh.” I shoved the rest of the cookie I held into my mouth.
“Please stay away from him, Lexie.”
“How do you know who I’m talking about?”
“I know.” She patted my hand and then handed me another cookie.
“Don’t worry, I told him to stay away,” I said, taking the cookie from her.
“I wish it wasn’t this way.”
“Why though? What’s so wrong with us being friends?”
“They’ve made it very clear that we are not to be near him.”
“How? I don’t get it.”
“You were too young.” My grandma shook her head and frowned.
“So tell me, Grandma.”
“It’s all part of the lawsuit. It was settled, long ago, but still.”
“What are you talking about?” There was still so
“Yes, everybody knows who you are, and you’re pretty, but people…”
“People what?” I asked, my hands now on my hips.
“They can’t make up their minds about you. They’re starting to catch on that you’re deceiving them, even after that Prince Tomas thing at the party.”
“Wow, thanks.”
“I’m sorry, but it’s the truth.”
“I have to get home now.”
“Lexie, wait.”
“No, I gotta go.”
***
I sat on the bus brooding, knowing what Caroline said was the truth. Some guy who smelled like feet and wore a trench coat sat down next to me, partially on top of my thigh. I scooted as far over as I could, pressing myself up against the window, watching everything go by: a hospital, a soccer field, a family walking down the sidewalk, people crossing the street, people in the parking lot to a Jewel, all people who probably didn’t lie about everything. People who weren’t afraid to admit who they were, where they came from, their awful histories.
To most, I probably looked totally normal, sitting there on the bus – at least on the outside. Long light-brown hair down my back, pale brown eyes, eyebrows a little too unruly, my trusty scarf around my neck. But I was really a girl whose mother left her when she was five, whose dad led a drug ring covering the northern suburbs and who now sat in jail for his crimes. I hadn’t talked to him since he was sent there. He’d requested to see me, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t go. So besides my grandma, all I had were my lies – the way I wished my life was. I just didn’t want to face the real me. The one who felt so alone and abandoned, responsible for a boy almost dying, scared that once something good came into her life it would be taken away. It was just better living in my world of make believe. In that world, I could at least pretend I was happy.
“What’s wrong?” my grandma asked when I walked in the front door. She was on the couch watching a game show on TV.
“Nothing, everything, me.”
“That’s a lot. Want to talk about it?”
“No.”
“Want to go to bingo?”
“Yes.”
“Really?” she asked.
“Maybe me screaming ‘bingo’ will fill the void.” I dropped my shoulders and dumped my bag on the ground.
“Oh my sweet.” My grandma turned off the TV. “Let me help fill that void.”
“With cookies?’
“If that’s a start, then yes.”
“Can I tell you what I think that void is from?” my grandma asked as we sat at the kitchen table eating sandwich cookies and watching the show that was on when I walked in the house. She glanced at the little white TV that sat on the table’s back corner and then back at me.
I sighed. I wasn’t prepared for an actual conversation. I just wanted a cookie.
“It’s your innocence. It was taken away that day. What you saw…”
“Oh please, not that again. Please don’t psychoanalyze me, Grandma.”
“Hey, young lady, you brought up the void.”
“Maybe it’s not a void, it’s…I don’t know. God, I don’t know what to do about him.”
“Ah, I see. Yes, makes sense.”
“What makes sense?”
“Boy troubles.”
“He just…ugh.” I shoved the rest of the cookie I held into my mouth.
“Please stay away from him, Lexie.”
“How do you know who I’m talking about?”
“I know.” She patted my hand and then handed me another cookie.
“Don’t worry, I told him to stay away,” I said, taking the cookie from her.
“I wish it wasn’t this way.”
“Why though? What’s so wrong with us being friends?”
“They’ve made it very clear that we are not to be near him.”
“How? I don’t get it.”
“You were too young.” My grandma shook her head and frowned.
“So tell me, Grandma.”
“It’s all part of the lawsuit. It was settled, long ago, but still.”
“What are you talking about?” There was still so
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