a few seconds, just to show off.” Honesty was my policy. Always. Except when talking about a woman’s weight. When confronted with this timeless issue, lie, lie, lie your ass off.
Luckily, Danny and Timmy Two sprang into action, leaping off the porch and charging toward us like thunder at a full run, their faces both masks of concern.
For me, it was easy to surmise what was going on. Allison was having a nice semi-conscious journey through the same scene she’d had playing in her head when we left Knoxville.
Tim in nothing but his skivvies, or maybe just nothing at all, a soft, tasteful porno music in the background, and a twinkle in his eye that said his next destination was right between her legs. And he planned to stay there for awhile.
For the men, it could have been anything.
Malnourishment.
A poisonous spider bite.
Invisible ninjas with perfectly aimed throwing stars.
Or even some kind of spontaneous heart failure.
So when they got to us, they jumped into first aid techniques like it was their job.
No, seriously. They were scary efficient. Like they worked together administering first aid on people all the time.
“Guys, she’s fine, seriously,” I assured them. Of course, they didn’t actually listen.
Their hands continued to check her over feverishly, searching for the wound or some indicator of what was wrong, running over all of her limbs and testing to see if her abdomen was distended.
I, however, knew there was nothing really to be done, except maybe letting her finish the film reel of her fantasy, so I slumped back, sagging my weight to where my cushiony ass met gravel fully, and moved on to something I was better equipped to handle.
Like adding to an already dramatic entrance by stirring the pot.
That’s right. Have you ever added to the ridiculousness of an already ridiculous situation?
So. Much. Fun.
Taking my attention and switching it from the group as a whole to Danny alone, I accused, “You think you could have warned me that your uncle is the walking, talking, normal person version of the new, improved, and ripped Tim McGraw?”
Confusion settled on his face as he looked over at his uncle and really studied him, for what looked to be the first time.
“Jesus! It was too much for her system to handle with no warning!” I semi-hysterically shouted, my hands flailing wildly and then settling on the sides of my head with my elbows pointing out like chicken wings.
Danny, of course, ignored me. My shouting and accusations were nothing but background noise aside from the brief moment he had taken to look at his uncle.
I really admired that. It took a will of steel to truly ignore someone when they were feigning a psychotic outburst.
About that time, Allison’s eyes fluttered and opened, and then looked right at Danny’s uncle. When she took him in, a breathy, “Tim?” came pouring out of her mouth.
Timmy Two (I still didn’t know his real name) scooped up Allison in his arms, stood at full height, and muttered to the group at large, “You two certainly make an entrance.”
He turned and headed for the house, and as he walked, shaking his head slightly the whole time, I could still hear him muttering to himself, “Nope, most certainly don’t ease people into meeting the two of you, that’s for sure.”
I immediately liked him. His mindless muttering suggested that he might just be as weird as the rest of us. And in the land of me, that was a good thing.
Danny asked, “Well, that was interesting. Did the drive at least go uneventfully?” and brought my focus back to him.
Picking myself up off the gravel, Danny’s hand at my elbow to help, I answered him. “Yeah, no problems at all.”
Then, of course, I remembered a little detail I may have forgotten about before.
“Oh, actually we almost hit a deer, though.”
“Jesus, seriously?” he asked, his face jerking with surprise and slightly worried interest.
“Well, yeah. Except it had a John in front of it, an
Luckily, Danny and Timmy Two sprang into action, leaping off the porch and charging toward us like thunder at a full run, their faces both masks of concern.
For me, it was easy to surmise what was going on. Allison was having a nice semi-conscious journey through the same scene she’d had playing in her head when we left Knoxville.
Tim in nothing but his skivvies, or maybe just nothing at all, a soft, tasteful porno music in the background, and a twinkle in his eye that said his next destination was right between her legs. And he planned to stay there for awhile.
For the men, it could have been anything.
Malnourishment.
A poisonous spider bite.
Invisible ninjas with perfectly aimed throwing stars.
Or even some kind of spontaneous heart failure.
So when they got to us, they jumped into first aid techniques like it was their job.
No, seriously. They were scary efficient. Like they worked together administering first aid on people all the time.
“Guys, she’s fine, seriously,” I assured them. Of course, they didn’t actually listen.
Their hands continued to check her over feverishly, searching for the wound or some indicator of what was wrong, running over all of her limbs and testing to see if her abdomen was distended.
I, however, knew there was nothing really to be done, except maybe letting her finish the film reel of her fantasy, so I slumped back, sagging my weight to where my cushiony ass met gravel fully, and moved on to something I was better equipped to handle.
Like adding to an already dramatic entrance by stirring the pot.
That’s right. Have you ever added to the ridiculousness of an already ridiculous situation?
So. Much. Fun.
Taking my attention and switching it from the group as a whole to Danny alone, I accused, “You think you could have warned me that your uncle is the walking, talking, normal person version of the new, improved, and ripped Tim McGraw?”
Confusion settled on his face as he looked over at his uncle and really studied him, for what looked to be the first time.
“Jesus! It was too much for her system to handle with no warning!” I semi-hysterically shouted, my hands flailing wildly and then settling on the sides of my head with my elbows pointing out like chicken wings.
Danny, of course, ignored me. My shouting and accusations were nothing but background noise aside from the brief moment he had taken to look at his uncle.
I really admired that. It took a will of steel to truly ignore someone when they were feigning a psychotic outburst.
About that time, Allison’s eyes fluttered and opened, and then looked right at Danny’s uncle. When she took him in, a breathy, “Tim?” came pouring out of her mouth.
Timmy Two (I still didn’t know his real name) scooped up Allison in his arms, stood at full height, and muttered to the group at large, “You two certainly make an entrance.”
He turned and headed for the house, and as he walked, shaking his head slightly the whole time, I could still hear him muttering to himself, “Nope, most certainly don’t ease people into meeting the two of you, that’s for sure.”
I immediately liked him. His mindless muttering suggested that he might just be as weird as the rest of us. And in the land of me, that was a good thing.
Danny asked, “Well, that was interesting. Did the drive at least go uneventfully?” and brought my focus back to him.
Picking myself up off the gravel, Danny’s hand at my elbow to help, I answered him. “Yeah, no problems at all.”
Then, of course, I remembered a little detail I may have forgotten about before.
“Oh, actually we almost hit a deer, though.”
“Jesus, seriously?” he asked, his face jerking with surprise and slightly worried interest.
“Well, yeah. Except it had a John in front of it, an
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