A Long Spoon by Jonathan L. Howard

yourself to blame for that.”
    Luan Da shook off his surprise with a great effort of will. “So, you escaped. It will do you no good. I will simply return you to your confinement. Guards!”
    There was no clatter of armed men in response, only the distant groaning of chaos in the eaves.
    â€œGuards!” cried Luan Da once more.
    â€œThey’re indisposed, darling,” said Zarenyia. “Which is to say, they’re dead, but I didn’t want to shock you.”
    â€œNo matter,” Luan Da, slightly shocked anyway, “my own powers shall doom you!”
    â€œActually, I was thinking perhaps we could have a little duel,” said Cabal. “My magic against yours.”
    Luan Da laughed, and it was as uncharismatic a sound as ever. “You? Your feeble skills are no match for mine, barbarian! Even the Great Devil would…”
    â€œYes, yes, yes,” said Cabal dismissively. “We’ve already heard you brag in that manner before. Personally, I doubt you would long survive my first volley.”
    â€œMy defences are perfect,” Luan Da said with one of his overly-complicated sneers. “You can cause me no hurt. No man, nor any demon,” and here he pointedly looked at Zarenyia. Cabal heard her mutter “Ooooh…” crossly behind him, “can bring me harm. Your words are empty, fool.”
    â€œWell, then.” Cabal drew his wand. “Prepare to defend yourself.”
    Luan Da smirked, which was just as unpleasant an expression as a sneer on that buttery face. With a few short syllables of power, the air around him thickened as wards and barriers to protect him from any conceivable source of violence formed. When he was satisfied that they were in place, he contemptuously waved Cabal to him, an invitation to duel.
    Cabal looked at the wand in his hand, hoped he had judged things correctly, aligned his thoughts, and cast a spell at Luan Da.
    It was all very disappointing. The tip of the wand illuminated with a mild golden lambency, then fluttered out after a few seconds. Cabal examined the wand once more, pursing his lips. “Hmmm…” he said.
    â€œ Ha! ” shouted Luan Da. “That was your best, was it? Now, prepare for an agony of slow death, you fool!”
    Cabal put away his wand and crossed his arms, awaiting certain destruction with polite patience.
    â€œI call upon the powers of the Abyss! I summon the forces that were old when the Earth was formed! I…” Luan Da coughed. “I call upon…” He coughed again. “I…” He touched his throat, plainly concerned.
    â€œDon’t worry,” said Cabal. “It’s perfectly normal.”
    â€œImpossible…” Luan Da was croaking. “This is impossible. What have you done to me, barbarian?” Around him, the air flexed and the distortions of his defences faded slowly.
    â€œWell, I haven’t done you any harm, if that’s what you’re concerned about. You were quite right. Those were very impressive defences. I certainly couldn’t hurt you through them. So instead, I did quite the opposite. Something your defences were never intended to stop.”
    â€œI … feel strange…” Luan Da succumbed to another coughing fit. “What is happening to me?”
    â€œOh, your throat? That will pass, with time. It’s just your voice breaking. It happens to all the boys.”
    Luan Da froze. His eyes widened. “No…”
    â€œYes. I didn’t even try to hurt you, Luan Da. I have healed you. You should be grateful. Oh,” Cabal feigned exasperation with himself, “I am so forgetful. Of course, your magic depended on you being a eunuch, didn’t it? Silly me. Never mind. I meant well.”
    Luan Da looked around frantically, suddenly becoming all too aware of an unfamiliar weight between his legs. “A knife! There must be a knife somewhere! I can…” He stopped,