A Royal Mess by Tyne O’Connell Page A

Portia asked casually, offering up a bag of marshmallows.
‘No, I would not like a sweet, thank you, Briggsie, but I would like to smell what it is you’ve been drinking from that shampoo bottle.’
You could hear the collective gulp of our room as Star passed up the Body Shop bottle to Miss Bibsmore.
Miss Bibsmore sniffed it, wrinkled her nose and then stuffed one of her stumpy old fingers in it. Licking her finger, she pronounced, ‘Vodka.’
‘Yes, it’s a special, erm, shampoo they’re doing this season, Miss Bibsmore,’ I blurted. ‘It makes your hair wildly glossy and, well, lovely and soft. Portia’s just used some on her hair …’ I pointed to Portia’s lovely freshly washed glossy hair.
Miss Bibsmore ignored my mad rant. ‘I’ll hazard it’s yours, Miss O’Hare,’ she said, turning her attention to Honey.
‘You’ll hazard no such thing, you mad old witch. Why would it be mine?’
‘Oh, I got my eye on you, madam.’
‘A blind eye, maybe,’ Honey sneered, her collagen pumped-up lips blistering with derision.
‘Well, evidence would suggest that as I don’t see young Mr Tobias in the room, you are the most likely suspect an’ all.’
‘What’s Tobias got to do with it? He’s a soft toy!’ Honey argued, bug-eyed with the horror that she was being so unfairly persecuted. In Honey’s mind, she had the patent on unfair persecution. I almost felt a bit sorry for her, although she was only making matters worse for herself by referring to Tobias as a ‘soft toy.’ I mean, we are talking about a bear with his own custom-made LVT trunk and designer outfits.
‘How dare you!’ Georgina spat, diving off the floor and looming over Honey’s bed, her eyes flashing with fury.
Miss Bibsmore interjected, placing her stick between Georgina and Honey. ‘Soft toy or no, he’s a full fee-paying student at this school and the only other student, apart from you, Miss O’Hare, in my dormitory what ’as a drinking problem.’
‘Tobias has given up drinking,’ Georgina assured Miss Bibsmore earnestly. ‘He took himself off to detox over half term.’
Miss Bibsmore thought about this and nodded. ‘Well, I hope the treatment sticks an’ all, Miss Castle Orpington, and that’s genuine, that is. But Mr Tobias isn’t my concern on this occasion. So, Miss O’Hare, you can come down with me to Sister Constance.’
This is outrageous. You have singled me out for persecution since you first laid eyes on me.’
I could relate to that, as that was exactly what Honey had done to me.
Miss Bibsmore cackled. Well, you were the one wot told me that you sued the last person what treated you like everyone else.’
‘Ugh!’ Honey grunted as she started punching numbers into her phone. Well I’m calling my lawyers! There are witnesses here who have just heard you admit you’re singling me out –’
Miss Bibsmore swooped on the little gem-like phone and pocketed it. ‘You can call your lawyers after you’ve spoken to Sister. Now up you get, one, two, three.’
The rest of us sat in stunned silence as Miss Bibsmore bustled the loudly protesting Honey from the room. We waited all of a minute before bursting into raucous laughter.
The maddest thing was that we still had the rest of our Body Shop Specials piled amongst our tuck feast.

SIX
Be Warned! Life’s NOT All Nicey-Nicey

Naturally, I couldn’t follow the advice of my friends to overlap my meeting with Sarah with my meeting with Freddie. After careful thought I decided even Portia’s flawless plan left room for random ’rental disobedience. I knew how much Sarah was longing to meet Freds. Formal lunches sounded all well and good, but formality and Sarah were just not a natural fit. I had no choice. Imagine Freds, heir to the throne of England, meeting my baby-talking-reverting mother? He’d run a mile – with Sarah following him in hot pursuit.
No, as dismal a prospect as it was, I would have to put Sarah first and cancel Freds. I tried and tried to think