Hollywood schools you’ve always hated so much. No, dearest padre, now is not the time for creative endeavours. Your wife is on the verge of requiring potty training and your daughter will be school-less! Tell me your flight times. Your loving daughter,
Calypso
PS: please make sure you come BEFORE SUNDAY! URGENT! BEFORE SUNDAY!
I swear he must have been at his laptop because he fired off his response with lightning speed.
Dearest Daughter [Daughter indeed, how droll! Well if he thought drollness would make things right, he was very much mistaken],
You have begged me for years to go to a ‘normal school.’ Consider this your Big Break. Besides, I love and trust Sarah enough to know that you are exaggerating her mental state. You weren’t awarded the title Queen of the Doomsday Prophesies for nothing. I am working night and day to get this script finished so that I can give Sarah [and you] the life she deserves. I haven’t slept since Sarah left, and a bit of support from my own daughter would be much appreciated. In the meantime, enjoy your mother’s company and stop whining.
Your loving father,
Bob xxx
PS: It is ALWAYS the time for creative endeavors, Calypso! You of all people should know that.
If it wasn’t a sin to dishonour your parents, I would have told him to bugger off and boil his head in his Big One. Instead I held fire and shared my despair with Portia, Georgina, Indie, Clemmie, Arabella and Star over a pile of tuck and a sip or two from our Body Shop Specials. Honey was there too, stretched out like a lioness on her bed. I had reached the stage with Honey where I was pretty much able to pretend that she didn’t exist.
‘I feel soooo disloyal about Sarah. I mean, I know she’s distressed and upset and I do want to see her Sunday, I do! But I want to see Freddie as well, and believe me, I know my mad madre will not just say ta-ta and wave me off. It’s not the American way,’ I explained as I took a sip of the vodka that Star passed me.
‘Darling, you could always combine the two,’ Star suggested. ‘I’m sure Freddie would love to meet Sarah. I think she’s cool. Totally bonkers obviously, but cool.’
Well, yes, but –’
Though Calypso can hardly pull Freds with Sarahlooking on,’ Georgina reminded her. Finally, some sanity from my posse!
I didn’t say anything, but the last thing I wanted was my baby-talking-reverting mother scaring Freds off. Is that evil? I think it probably is.
‘Could you ask for some alone time with Sarah? Suggest she come to chapel, and then the two of you have a lovely mother-daughter lunch somewhere fabulous in Windsor and duck off to meet Freddie afterwards?’
‘But you understand, Sarah will want to come,’ I insisted.
‘Not if you suggest to Sarah that she might like to meet him on another more formal occasion, like a proper lunch the next weekend? Apart from anything else, she might be feeling a bit stronger by then,’ Portia suggested as she unwound the towel turban her hair had been drying in. Her idea was pure genius. I wanted to hug her but settled for passing her the vodka.
‘Brilliant,’ George agreed. “Rents love it when you suggest things they think they’ll have to force you to do.’
‘Is Boojie-Woojie ashamed of her mumsy, then?’ asked Honey in a baby voice.
I threw a Jelly Baby at her but unfortunately she caught it adroitly on her serpent-like tongue. ‘And I thought you PC Americans were soooo keen on the Christian values of honouring your folks?’ She said all this in a bad attempt at a piss-take of a southern accent. I think it is the only American accent she knows how to do.
‘Oh, and what might we have here?’ demanded Miss Bibsmore, suddenly appearing in our doorway.
All of us sat there on the floor looking dumbstruck. None of us had heard her stick coming down the corridor, and as I looked down, I saw why. She’d wrapped the bottom of her stick in duct tape.
‘Just a little chat, Miss Bibsmore. Would you like a sweet?’
Calypso
PS: please make sure you come BEFORE SUNDAY! URGENT! BEFORE SUNDAY!
I swear he must have been at his laptop because he fired off his response with lightning speed.
Dearest Daughter [Daughter indeed, how droll! Well if he thought drollness would make things right, he was very much mistaken],
You have begged me for years to go to a ‘normal school.’ Consider this your Big Break. Besides, I love and trust Sarah enough to know that you are exaggerating her mental state. You weren’t awarded the title Queen of the Doomsday Prophesies for nothing. I am working night and day to get this script finished so that I can give Sarah [and you] the life she deserves. I haven’t slept since Sarah left, and a bit of support from my own daughter would be much appreciated. In the meantime, enjoy your mother’s company and stop whining.
Your loving father,
Bob xxx
PS: It is ALWAYS the time for creative endeavors, Calypso! You of all people should know that.
If it wasn’t a sin to dishonour your parents, I would have told him to bugger off and boil his head in his Big One. Instead I held fire and shared my despair with Portia, Georgina, Indie, Clemmie, Arabella and Star over a pile of tuck and a sip or two from our Body Shop Specials. Honey was there too, stretched out like a lioness on her bed. I had reached the stage with Honey where I was pretty much able to pretend that she didn’t exist.
‘I feel soooo disloyal about Sarah. I mean, I know she’s distressed and upset and I do want to see her Sunday, I do! But I want to see Freddie as well, and believe me, I know my mad madre will not just say ta-ta and wave me off. It’s not the American way,’ I explained as I took a sip of the vodka that Star passed me.
‘Darling, you could always combine the two,’ Star suggested. ‘I’m sure Freddie would love to meet Sarah. I think she’s cool. Totally bonkers obviously, but cool.’
Well, yes, but –’
Though Calypso can hardly pull Freds with Sarahlooking on,’ Georgina reminded her. Finally, some sanity from my posse!
I didn’t say anything, but the last thing I wanted was my baby-talking-reverting mother scaring Freds off. Is that evil? I think it probably is.
‘Could you ask for some alone time with Sarah? Suggest she come to chapel, and then the two of you have a lovely mother-daughter lunch somewhere fabulous in Windsor and duck off to meet Freddie afterwards?’
‘But you understand, Sarah will want to come,’ I insisted.
‘Not if you suggest to Sarah that she might like to meet him on another more formal occasion, like a proper lunch the next weekend? Apart from anything else, she might be feeling a bit stronger by then,’ Portia suggested as she unwound the towel turban her hair had been drying in. Her idea was pure genius. I wanted to hug her but settled for passing her the vodka.
‘Brilliant,’ George agreed. “Rents love it when you suggest things they think they’ll have to force you to do.’
‘Is Boojie-Woojie ashamed of her mumsy, then?’ asked Honey in a baby voice.
I threw a Jelly Baby at her but unfortunately she caught it adroitly on her serpent-like tongue. ‘And I thought you PC Americans were soooo keen on the Christian values of honouring your folks?’ She said all this in a bad attempt at a piss-take of a southern accent. I think it is the only American accent she knows how to do.
‘Oh, and what might we have here?’ demanded Miss Bibsmore, suddenly appearing in our doorway.
All of us sat there on the floor looking dumbstruck. None of us had heard her stick coming down the corridor, and as I looked down, I saw why. She’d wrapped the bottom of her stick in duct tape.
‘Just a little chat, Miss Bibsmore. Would you like a sweet?’
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