is all Cane’s doing. He must’ve pulled some strings with the big guy upstairs by bringing Jordon into my life.
I will forever be grateful to Cane for loving me. I hate that he’s gone, but everything happens for a reason. I know Jordon is the man with whom I’m supposed to spend forever. Cane will always be in my heart and a key to my past, but Jordon is my now and my future.
For the first time in a long time, I'm truly happy and I’m looking forwards instead backwards. I’m definitely want to spend many more Christmas’ like this one with Jordon. I’m excited to see where life goes for us from here.
The End!
May 18 th 2013
As I sit on the patio overlooking the shoreline of Malibu below, I try to take my therapist’s advice and reflect back on the times in my life when I was happy…truly happy. Closing my eyes, I inhale and exhale the salt air, trying to find my happy place. As soon as I close them and let my body relax, I’m immediately greeted by the dark, enchanting blue eyes of the most gorgeous man ever.
I’m overwhelmed by the emotions coursing through my body as I take in his dimpled smile and try to remember the sound of his voice. Sadness slowly seeps into my bones as I struggle to remember the deep timbre of his laughter and the sound of his voice when he would whisper I love you into my ear as I would drift off to sleep in his arms.
Cane is…correction, was the love of my life. After all this time, I still struggle with acceptance. How does one accept the fact that she has to live the rest of her life without her soul mate? I fear that once I finally accept he’s truly gone; I’ll sink deeper into the sea of sorrow I’ve been trying so desperately not to drown in.
The day he died, I wanted to be dead too. A life without Cane is something I never wanted to experience. Now that I’ve hit rock bottom, I’m stuck here at this God forsaken Rehab Center in Malibu, where other rich and famous people, like me, come to try to heal and overcome addiction. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t even be here right now. But my record label has insisted I get clean, or they’ll cancel my U.S. tour. I’d much rather do a few lines of coke to numb my mind and dive into my music. It’s the only way I’ve gotten through these last few years. They don’t get it; no one does. I struggle on a daily basis just trying to get through the day without the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.
So here I sit, lying on the patio lounge, taking in the warm California sun, and playing a game of ‘ Remember When ’ with myself. My therapist says I need to learn to reflect on the life I had with Cane. The good and the bad and find a way to heal and move on. It’s easier said than done. It’s been almost eight fucking years, and the pain is still as piercing as it was the day I buried him. Right now the desire to get high or fuck the first person who walks by me is almost overwhelming.
Squeezing my eyes tightly shut, I slowly count back from one hundred, and try to push back the voices in my head that are screaming at me to walk my ass out of here, go back to Miami and tell everyone to fuck off. I need to do this. My dream was to travel the world performing and seeing my name topping the charts. I promised Cane I’d never give up that dream; I’d fight until I achieved it for the both of us. He loved me so deeply that my dreams were his dreams too. He wanted to see me achieve them as much, if not more, than I did.
So here I sit, in fucking rehab, willing myself to get clean and give my fans and my label what they want and deserve; a drug free Brittan, who is committed to this new tour and a new album.
Focusing on the sounds of the seagulls flying above me, and the roar of the Pacific Ocean as it crashes fiercely against the shore below, I begin my journey back into my past. My eyes start to well up with tears and a ghost of a smile dances across my lips. I slowly let my mind
I will forever be grateful to Cane for loving me. I hate that he’s gone, but everything happens for a reason. I know Jordon is the man with whom I’m supposed to spend forever. Cane will always be in my heart and a key to my past, but Jordon is my now and my future.
For the first time in a long time, I'm truly happy and I’m looking forwards instead backwards. I’m definitely want to spend many more Christmas’ like this one with Jordon. I’m excited to see where life goes for us from here.
The End!
May 18 th 2013
As I sit on the patio overlooking the shoreline of Malibu below, I try to take my therapist’s advice and reflect back on the times in my life when I was happy…truly happy. Closing my eyes, I inhale and exhale the salt air, trying to find my happy place. As soon as I close them and let my body relax, I’m immediately greeted by the dark, enchanting blue eyes of the most gorgeous man ever.
I’m overwhelmed by the emotions coursing through my body as I take in his dimpled smile and try to remember the sound of his voice. Sadness slowly seeps into my bones as I struggle to remember the deep timbre of his laughter and the sound of his voice when he would whisper I love you into my ear as I would drift off to sleep in his arms.
Cane is…correction, was the love of my life. After all this time, I still struggle with acceptance. How does one accept the fact that she has to live the rest of her life without her soul mate? I fear that once I finally accept he’s truly gone; I’ll sink deeper into the sea of sorrow I’ve been trying so desperately not to drown in.
The day he died, I wanted to be dead too. A life without Cane is something I never wanted to experience. Now that I’ve hit rock bottom, I’m stuck here at this God forsaken Rehab Center in Malibu, where other rich and famous people, like me, come to try to heal and overcome addiction. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t even be here right now. But my record label has insisted I get clean, or they’ll cancel my U.S. tour. I’d much rather do a few lines of coke to numb my mind and dive into my music. It’s the only way I’ve gotten through these last few years. They don’t get it; no one does. I struggle on a daily basis just trying to get through the day without the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.
So here I sit, lying on the patio lounge, taking in the warm California sun, and playing a game of ‘ Remember When ’ with myself. My therapist says I need to learn to reflect on the life I had with Cane. The good and the bad and find a way to heal and move on. It’s easier said than done. It’s been almost eight fucking years, and the pain is still as piercing as it was the day I buried him. Right now the desire to get high or fuck the first person who walks by me is almost overwhelming.
Squeezing my eyes tightly shut, I slowly count back from one hundred, and try to push back the voices in my head that are screaming at me to walk my ass out of here, go back to Miami and tell everyone to fuck off. I need to do this. My dream was to travel the world performing and seeing my name topping the charts. I promised Cane I’d never give up that dream; I’d fight until I achieved it for the both of us. He loved me so deeply that my dreams were his dreams too. He wanted to see me achieve them as much, if not more, than I did.
So here I sit, in fucking rehab, willing myself to get clean and give my fans and my label what they want and deserve; a drug free Brittan, who is committed to this new tour and a new album.
Focusing on the sounds of the seagulls flying above me, and the roar of the Pacific Ocean as it crashes fiercely against the shore below, I begin my journey back into my past. My eyes start to well up with tears and a ghost of a smile dances across my lips. I slowly let my mind
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