circumstances in
which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his
armory.
TIP
Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a
first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.
Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes,
boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines.
Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back
on your word. Be firm and resolute.
Impossible
Situations
The abuser engineers impossible,
dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific
situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure that
his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are
the only ones applicable and the most useful in the situations
that he, himself, wrought. The abuser generates his own
indispensability.
TIP
Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize
every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.
Prepare backup plans. Keep others
informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your
situation.
Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible
and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.
III.
Control and Abuse by
Proxy
If all else fails, the abuser recruits
friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities,
institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers – in short, third parties – to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce,
threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass,
communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these
unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate
prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his
props unceremoniously when the job is done.
Another form of control by proxy is to
engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another
person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and
humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or
even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social
group become the instruments of the abuser.
TIP
Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of
their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they
are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.
Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you.
Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to
disinfest abuse.
IV.
Ambient
Abuse
The fostering, propagation and enhancement of
an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability
and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor
any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling
remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This
is sometimes called "gaslighting".
In the long term, such an environment
erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victim adopts a
paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself
exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus
reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and
the abuser – the suffering
soul.
TIP
Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to
overt and violent abuse.
You don't owe anyone an explanation - but you
owe yourself a life. Bail out.
Articles
Menu
http://www.narcissistica-abuse.com/abuse.html
http://www.narcissistica-abuse.com/abusefamily.html
1. The Gradations of
Abuse
2. The Guilt of the Abused -
Pathologizing the Victim
3. Coping with Your
Abuser
4. The Abuser in
Denial
5. Avoiding Your Abuser - The
Submissive Posture
6. Avoiding Your Abuser - The
Conflictive Posture
7. The Tocsins of Abuse - How
to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date
8. The Tocsins of Abuse - The
Abuser's Body Language
9. The Path to
Abuse
10. Ambient Abuse and
Gaslighting
11. Abuse by
Proxy
12. Leveraging the
Children
13. Tell Your Children the
Truth
14. The Relief of Being
Abandoned
15. How to Cope with Your
Paranoid Ex
16. Avoiding Your Paranoid
Ex
17. The Three Forms of
Closure
18. Coping with Stalking and
Stalkers
19. Getting
Help
20. Domestic Violence
Shelters
21. Planning and
which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his
armory.
TIP
Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a
first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.
Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes,
boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines.
Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back
on your word. Be firm and resolute.
Impossible
Situations
The abuser engineers impossible,
dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific
situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure that
his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are
the only ones applicable and the most useful in the situations
that he, himself, wrought. The abuser generates his own
indispensability.
TIP
Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize
every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.
Prepare backup plans. Keep others
informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your
situation.
Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible
and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.
III.
Control and Abuse by
Proxy
If all else fails, the abuser recruits
friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities,
institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers – in short, third parties – to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce,
threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass,
communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these
unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate
prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his
props unceremoniously when the job is done.
Another form of control by proxy is to
engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another
person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and
humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or
even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social
group become the instruments of the abuser.
TIP
Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of
their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they
are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.
Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you.
Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to
disinfest abuse.
IV.
Ambient
Abuse
The fostering, propagation and enhancement of
an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability
and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor
any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling
remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This
is sometimes called "gaslighting".
In the long term, such an environment
erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victim adopts a
paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself
exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus
reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and
the abuser – the suffering
soul.
TIP
Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to
overt and violent abuse.
You don't owe anyone an explanation - but you
owe yourself a life. Bail out.
Articles
Menu
http://www.narcissistica-abuse.com/abuse.html
http://www.narcissistica-abuse.com/abusefamily.html
1. The Gradations of
Abuse
2. The Guilt of the Abused -
Pathologizing the Victim
3. Coping with Your
Abuser
4. The Abuser in
Denial
5. Avoiding Your Abuser - The
Submissive Posture
6. Avoiding Your Abuser - The
Conflictive Posture
7. The Tocsins of Abuse - How
to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date
8. The Tocsins of Abuse - The
Abuser's Body Language
9. The Path to
Abuse
10. Ambient Abuse and
Gaslighting
11. Abuse by
Proxy
12. Leveraging the
Children
13. Tell Your Children the
Truth
14. The Relief of Being
Abandoned
15. How to Cope with Your
Paranoid Ex
16. Avoiding Your Paranoid
Ex
17. The Three Forms of
Closure
18. Coping with Stalking and
Stalkers
19. Getting
Help
20. Domestic Violence
Shelters
21. Planning and
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