equivalent to losing control of a limb, or of
one's brain. It is terrifying.
Independent or disobedient people evoke in
the abuser the realization that something is wrong with his
worldview, that he is not the centre of the world or its cause and
that he cannot control what, to him, are internal
representations.
To the abuser, losing control means going
insane. Because other people are mere elements in the abuser's mind – being unable to manipulate them
literally means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you suddenly were
to find out that you cannot manipulate your memories or control
your thoughts... Nightmarish!
In his frantic efforts to maintain control or
re-assert it, the abuser resorts to a myriad of fiendishly
inventive stratagems and mechanisms. Here is a partial
list:
Unpredictability and
Uncertainty
The abuser acts unpredictably,
capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally. This serves to
render others dependent upon the next twist and turn of the abuser,
his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst, denial, or
smile.
The abuser makes sure that
HE
is the only reliable element in the lives of his
nearest and dearest – by shattering
the rest of their world through his seemingly insane behaviour.
He perpetuates his stable presence in their lives – by destabilizing their own.
TIP
Refuse to accept such behaviour. Demand
reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist
on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and
priorities.
Disproportional
Reactions
One of the favourite tools of manipulation in
the abuser's arsenal is the disproportionality of his reactions. He
reacts with supreme rage to the slightest slight. Or, he would
punish severely for what he perceives to be an offence against him,
no matter how minor. Or, he would throw a temper tantrum over any
discord or disagreement, however gently and considerately
expressed. Or, he would act inordinately attentive, charming and
tempting (even over-sexed, if need be).
This ever-shifting code of conduct and
the unusually harsh and arbitrarily applied penalties
are premeditated. The victims are kept in the
dark. Neediness and dependence on the source of "justice"
meted and judgment passed – on
the abuser – are thus
guaranteed.
TIP
Demand a just and proportional treatment.
Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behaviour.
If you are up to the inevitable confrontation,
react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.
Dehumanization and
Objectification (Abuse)
People have a need to believe in the empathic
skills and basic good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and
objectifying people – the abuser
attacks the very foundations of human interaction. This is the
"alien" aspect of abusers – they may be
excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are
emotionally absent and immature.
Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so
phantasmagoric – that people recoil in
terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that they
are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the abuser's control.
Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of
dehumanization and objectification.
TIP
Never show your abuser that you are afraid of
him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not
succumb to blackmail.
If things get rough – disengage, involve law enforcement officers,
friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).
Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is
the abuser's weapon.
Never give him a second chance. React with
your full arsenal to the first transgression.
Abuse of
Information
From the first moments of an encounter with
another person, the abuser is on the prowl. He collects
information. The more he knows about his potential victim – the better able he is to coerce,
manipulate, charm, extort or convert it "to the cause".
The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information he
gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the
one's brain. It is terrifying.
Independent or disobedient people evoke in
the abuser the realization that something is wrong with his
worldview, that he is not the centre of the world or its cause and
that he cannot control what, to him, are internal
representations.
To the abuser, losing control means going
insane. Because other people are mere elements in the abuser's mind – being unable to manipulate them
literally means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you suddenly were
to find out that you cannot manipulate your memories or control
your thoughts... Nightmarish!
In his frantic efforts to maintain control or
re-assert it, the abuser resorts to a myriad of fiendishly
inventive stratagems and mechanisms. Here is a partial
list:
Unpredictability and
Uncertainty
The abuser acts unpredictably,
capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally. This serves to
render others dependent upon the next twist and turn of the abuser,
his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst, denial, or
smile.
The abuser makes sure that
HE
is the only reliable element in the lives of his
nearest and dearest – by shattering
the rest of their world through his seemingly insane behaviour.
He perpetuates his stable presence in their lives – by destabilizing their own.
TIP
Refuse to accept such behaviour. Demand
reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist
on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and
priorities.
Disproportional
Reactions
One of the favourite tools of manipulation in
the abuser's arsenal is the disproportionality of his reactions. He
reacts with supreme rage to the slightest slight. Or, he would
punish severely for what he perceives to be an offence against him,
no matter how minor. Or, he would throw a temper tantrum over any
discord or disagreement, however gently and considerately
expressed. Or, he would act inordinately attentive, charming and
tempting (even over-sexed, if need be).
This ever-shifting code of conduct and
the unusually harsh and arbitrarily applied penalties
are premeditated. The victims are kept in the
dark. Neediness and dependence on the source of "justice"
meted and judgment passed – on
the abuser – are thus
guaranteed.
TIP
Demand a just and proportional treatment.
Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behaviour.
If you are up to the inevitable confrontation,
react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.
Dehumanization and
Objectification (Abuse)
People have a need to believe in the empathic
skills and basic good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and
objectifying people – the abuser
attacks the very foundations of human interaction. This is the
"alien" aspect of abusers – they may be
excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are
emotionally absent and immature.
Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so
phantasmagoric – that people recoil in
terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that they
are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the abuser's control.
Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of
dehumanization and objectification.
TIP
Never show your abuser that you are afraid of
him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not
succumb to blackmail.
If things get rough – disengage, involve law enforcement officers,
friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).
Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is
the abuser's weapon.
Never give him a second chance. React with
your full arsenal to the first transgression.
Abuse of
Information
From the first moments of an encounter with
another person, the abuser is on the prowl. He collects
information. The more he knows about his potential victim – the better able he is to coerce,
manipulate, charm, extort or convert it "to the cause".
The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information he
gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the
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