All New People by Zach Braff Page A

(
Beat.
) The inquiry ruled it an accident. They suspended me for a hundred days. A hundred days! It works out to 16.6 days per life. I just don’t think that’s enough . . .
    Myron       So you sentenced yourself to death . . . (
Beat
.) Whatever happened to those ants?
    Charlie       They gave up and left that crumb behind. I actually kept it in my wallet. Wanna see?
    Myron       Sure . . .
    Charlie
pulls a tiny piece of folded tin foil out of his wallet and unfolds it on the coffee table revealing a tiny crumb. He and
Myron
sit there staring at it.
    Emma
and
Kim
reenter from upstairs.
Emma
has Christmas lights and a giant red exercise ball.
Kim
has a ukulele.
    Emma       Well we didn’t find much in terms of decorations, but I found these Christmas lights and this exercise ball. Here, Charlie, this is from all of us.
    She throws the big ball to
Charlie .
He catches it.
    Kim       Charlie, I’ve got good news: I found this ukulele. I’m gonna play you a song.
    She notices
Myron
staring at the crumb.
    Kim       What are you looking at?
    Myron       A
Pop-Tart
crumb.
    Kim       I love
Pop-Tarts
.
    Emma       Are you that hungry? Order a fucking pizza.
    Myron       Don’t eat it, it’s a memento of Charlie’s.
    Emma       Myron help me string these up.
    He doesn’t move.
    Emma       Myron? Snap out of it. Help me string these around a little.
    He helps her string the lights around the room.
Emma
dims the room lights, making it more cozy.
    Kim
cuts a line of coke on the table next to the
Pop-Tart
crumb.
    Kim       I’m so excited I found this ukulele, cause now I can play you a song. I have to decide if I’m gonna play you one of mine, or one of somebody else’s. I mean most of mine are sad little love songs. But you guys seem more like an indie-rock, Brooklyn kinda crowd . . .
    She snorts a line of coke.
    Kim       Oh fuck!
    Emma       What?
    Kim       Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
    Emma       What?
    Kim       Charlie I’m so sorry, but I think I may have just accidentally snorted your special
Pop-Tart
crumb.
    Myron       Are you fucking kidding me?!
    Kim       It was an accident, I was talking and snorting at the same time and I wasn’t paying attention. Don’t worry, I can vomit it up.
    She sticks her fingers down her throat. And begins to gag.
    Myron       No.       Emma No!
    They stop her.
    Kim       Relax! I do it all the time. You think this body’s from going to the gym?
    Myron       What is wrong with you?
    Kim       I’m sorry, I got distracted.
    Myron       And anyway stay away from my coke; you’re like a fucking
Dustbuster.
    Kim       I feel awful. It was important to him. If someone snorted my hamster ‘Chanel’, I’d be so upset!
    Myron       You’re a fucking idiot.
    Emma       Myron, relax. It’s a crumb.
    Myron       You don’t know the full context, Emma.
    Emma       Lemme go out on a limb here: the full context was the full
Pop-Tart
?
    Charlie
laughs. They all stare at him.
    Myron       Why are you smiling?
    Charlie (
smiling
)      Emma’s right.
    Beat.
    It was a crumb. It doesn’t matter. It was just a crumb.
    Kim
starts to tune the ukulele. Her tuning of the uke scores the next section of the play.
Myron
sits solemnly in the corner.
Emma
lights a joint and sits down next to
Charlie .
    Emma       It’s nice to see you smile, Charlie. My Dad could always make me smile like that with his jokes. I