All New People by Zach Braff Page B

haven’t been able to talk to him for a while. I miss him quite a bit.
    Charlie       I know a joke.
    Emma       You do? Well let’s have it.
    Charlie       God, I haven’t told a joke in a long time.
    Emma       Well go for it. No judgements . . .
    Charlie       What’s the last thing you wanna hear right after you have sex with Willy Nelson?
    Emma       What?
    Charlie       ‘I’m not Willy Nelson.’
    Emma
and
Kim
laugh.
Charlie
smiles.
Emma
puts her arm around
Charlie .
She passes him the joint. He smokes it.
Myron
looks on possessively.
    Emma       You know you really are cute. When I first saw you hanging there I didn’t notice. But you really are. If you don’t go through with it, maybe we could go out sometime. And then one day we could fall in love and have a zillion little babies together. And every single one of them will have big, beautiful, blue passports. That’s what we all want isn’t it?
    Charlie       Passports?
    Emma       No. Someone to love. And it’s such a fleeting thing to pin all of our happiness on isn’t it? It’s like trying to build a house of cards on the back of a squirrel.
    Myron       You’ve got a lot of nerve, Emma.
    Emma       Excuse me?
    Myron       Doing this right in front of me when you know how I feel about you?
    Emma       Oh please don’t start this now. We’re all having such a good time.
    Myron       You know what, just be honest with me for once and for all: why am I not worthy of your love?
    Emma       You are worthy of my friendship, Myron. I enjoy you. I appreciate you. But for the last time, I cannot love you.
    Myron       Do you think I’m ugly?
    Emma       No, not at all.
    Myron       I make you laugh, I loan you money, I hold you when you cry, I . . .
    Emma       There’s no recipe for love. You don’t just go ‘this plus this plus this equals love’; it doesn’t work like that. It’s there or it’s not. Is that the only reason you’re nice to me? To win me over?
    Myron       I’m nice to you because I am completely in love with you. And I might just be the only person who will ever love you. (
Beat.
) You’re damaged goods.
    Emma       Maybe you’re right, maybe you are the only person in the world who will ever love me. That would be sad, but maybe that’s just what I’ve been dealt. But I do not love you. And will not. You need to let it go. So for the last time: move on! (
Beat
.) Now, I think we should all go around the room and each say something nice about Charlie on his special day. I’ll go first. Raise your glasses.
    Only
Emma
and
Kim
raise their glasses.
    Emma       To Charlie, what can I say? As long as I’ve known you, you’ve had your ups and you’ve had your downs. I can tell you that this night has become a hell of a lot more fun than it ever would have been if it was just another night of me and old Myron drinking down at the firehouse. So I guess what I’m saying is, I’m so glad you came down here to Long Beach Island to kill yourself so that I could stop you long enough to tell you that you seem like a very lovely boy. And I can sense that you’re very kind . . . even though you may or may not have killed some people . . . we all have our faults. I, for instance, am a sucker for chocolate. Anyway, that’s it. Happy birthday. Kim?
    Kim       Well, when I first saw you I was really looking forward to fucking you because a lot of the guys that I have to sleep with look like Larry King. But you’re really cute. Plus I love soldiers, let alone