to go to school?”
“No.”
“You won't be able to study in the high school.”
“I don't care.”
16
Halina also said that Mother had changed. She thought she was head over heels in love. I'd already noticed that Halina might not always have been sensitive, but her instincts were extremely sharp. She knew when it was going to rain and which birds forewarn of it. She once said, “It's not rain that will fall but hail.” And she was right.
“What is love?” I asked her.
“Kissing,” she said, and laughed.
“And what else?”
“You're still a child, you're too young to know.”
“Tell me a bit.”
“Well, you take off your clothes.”
I saw Mother naked on our vacation. The lake was screened by dense foliage and we were alone. At first I was afraid of the quiet and of the gray water, but the moment we took off our clothes and immersed ourselves in the water, the fear receded. Toward evening we would get out and wrap ourselves up in large towels, shivering from the cold. Blueberry bushes grew along the road to our small house in the village, and we feasted on them, getting all stained.
I told Halina about that long, sweet summer. She listenedand said, “We weren't taken on vacation. We started working when we were young.”
I was sorry I had told her.
Later, I cried without knowing why. Halina asked me again and again, “Why are you crying?” I didn't know what to tell her. To cheer me up, she dressed me in my sailor outfit and we went out for a walk. Along the way, too, the tears welled up, but I kept them in.
Halina said to me, “You mustn't cry.”
“Why?”
“Because it hurts more.”
I think that she was right.
Now I was in no doubt: Mother was in love. Halina kept saying, “Your mother is in love.” Perhaps she didn't mean to hurt me, but it did hurt. Mother was blossoming. I saw her happiness and my heart bled. André came again at night and Mother went out to meet him. He gave me another math exercise and again I became confused. Had it been in my power I would have thrown him out. Because I couldn't do that, I sat on the floor and played cards.
I woke up in the middle of the night and looked for Mother, but she wasn't next to me.
“Mother!” I called. Her side of the bed was a dark pit. I got up and went to the window. Trees rustled in the thick darkness. “Mother!” I called again and again, but she did not answer even this. The tears were about to burst out from within me, but I held them in. I remembered what Halina had taught me, and I curled up inside the blankets and pillows. “Mother loves André more than me,” I murmured, choking back the tears. “I will never forget this betrayal, not even when I'm grown up.”
As the darkness grew heavier, threatening to choke me, I heard the door opening. I knew it was Mother, but I closedmy eyes and decided not to let her know that I had been awake and afraid. Without taking off her clothes, she lay down next to me. I felt her breathing and I knew that her eyes were open. Even when the dawn broke and there was light, I pretended that I was sleeping. Mother got up, changed her clothes, and sat at the mirror, putting on makeup, for a long time.
“How did you sleep?” Mother asked.
“Wonderfully.”
“You didn't have any dreams?”
“No.”
“Very good. I have to leave.”
I was happy that she was going and that I would again be with Halina. At first I was about to tell Halina what had happened at night, but then I decided not to. It's better to keep a secret to yourself. When you tell a secret, you feel bad. But Halina didn't hold back that morning. She lashed out, angry at her fiancé, who had returned from the army without bringing her anything—not even a bar of chocolate.
“He must have another woman, I'm sure of it,” she said, clenching her jaw.
“How do you know?”
“The smell. I smelled perfume on his body.”
“And what did he say?”
“He denies it, swears it's not true. But I don't believe
“No.”
“You won't be able to study in the high school.”
“I don't care.”
16
Halina also said that Mother had changed. She thought she was head over heels in love. I'd already noticed that Halina might not always have been sensitive, but her instincts were extremely sharp. She knew when it was going to rain and which birds forewarn of it. She once said, “It's not rain that will fall but hail.” And she was right.
“What is love?” I asked her.
“Kissing,” she said, and laughed.
“And what else?”
“You're still a child, you're too young to know.”
“Tell me a bit.”
“Well, you take off your clothes.”
I saw Mother naked on our vacation. The lake was screened by dense foliage and we were alone. At first I was afraid of the quiet and of the gray water, but the moment we took off our clothes and immersed ourselves in the water, the fear receded. Toward evening we would get out and wrap ourselves up in large towels, shivering from the cold. Blueberry bushes grew along the road to our small house in the village, and we feasted on them, getting all stained.
I told Halina about that long, sweet summer. She listenedand said, “We weren't taken on vacation. We started working when we were young.”
I was sorry I had told her.
Later, I cried without knowing why. Halina asked me again and again, “Why are you crying?” I didn't know what to tell her. To cheer me up, she dressed me in my sailor outfit and we went out for a walk. Along the way, too, the tears welled up, but I kept them in.
Halina said to me, “You mustn't cry.”
“Why?”
“Because it hurts more.”
I think that she was right.
Now I was in no doubt: Mother was in love. Halina kept saying, “Your mother is in love.” Perhaps she didn't mean to hurt me, but it did hurt. Mother was blossoming. I saw her happiness and my heart bled. André came again at night and Mother went out to meet him. He gave me another math exercise and again I became confused. Had it been in my power I would have thrown him out. Because I couldn't do that, I sat on the floor and played cards.
I woke up in the middle of the night and looked for Mother, but she wasn't next to me.
“Mother!” I called. Her side of the bed was a dark pit. I got up and went to the window. Trees rustled in the thick darkness. “Mother!” I called again and again, but she did not answer even this. The tears were about to burst out from within me, but I held them in. I remembered what Halina had taught me, and I curled up inside the blankets and pillows. “Mother loves André more than me,” I murmured, choking back the tears. “I will never forget this betrayal, not even when I'm grown up.”
As the darkness grew heavier, threatening to choke me, I heard the door opening. I knew it was Mother, but I closedmy eyes and decided not to let her know that I had been awake and afraid. Without taking off her clothes, she lay down next to me. I felt her breathing and I knew that her eyes were open. Even when the dawn broke and there was light, I pretended that I was sleeping. Mother got up, changed her clothes, and sat at the mirror, putting on makeup, for a long time.
“How did you sleep?” Mother asked.
“Wonderfully.”
“You didn't have any dreams?”
“No.”
“Very good. I have to leave.”
I was happy that she was going and that I would again be with Halina. At first I was about to tell Halina what had happened at night, but then I decided not to. It's better to keep a secret to yourself. When you tell a secret, you feel bad. But Halina didn't hold back that morning. She lashed out, angry at her fiancé, who had returned from the army without bringing her anything—not even a bar of chocolate.
“He must have another woman, I'm sure of it,” she said, clenching her jaw.
“How do you know?”
“The smell. I smelled perfume on his body.”
“And what did he say?”
“He denies it, swears it's not true. But I don't believe
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