Honolulu Honeymoon (released as Stalked at Midnight) established new industry standards for the slasher film—despite the fact that the script was attributed to thirty-four different screenwriters, none of whom was Gordo.
So we bought a townhouse in Santa Monica with two bedrooms, an eat-in kitchen, and a clear-cut set of rules: I get the top floor, he gets the bottom, and a verbal visa is required to cross the border. That way he’s not threatened by my Lysol and I’m not confronted with the all-female
“I’m Auditioning for the Future Ex-Mrs. Gordo” parties he can afford to throw twice a month—particularly when he’s in one of his fetish moods
'e.g., pierced navels and green pubic hair(. But that’s never held him back from stepping in as my voice of reason:
TRAVIS: Which sounds better—“Travis and Julian” or “Julian and Travis”?
GORDO: Did I ever tell you about Kyle?
Which is where he usually fixes me up with any number of studio deadbeats presently harassing him for free rewrites, free options, or coke money. It’s a relatively easy procedure—when he can’t get them off the phone, he has them call me instead. Know what’s worse? I go out with them! (Gordo never considers compatibility an issue. The way he figures it, as long as we both have dicks it ought to work.) I once did dinner with a development creature who refused to sleep with me because I didn’t have enough of an edge. Apparently, he thought I was a pitch meeting. Then he picked up somebody in the men’s room and left me with the check. But I got even. I don’t go to movies any more. Especially his.
“Kyle and Travis.” Actually, that sounds kind of cute.
TRAVIS PUCKETT’S BOYFRIEND CHECKLIST
Name: Kyle
Duration: 55 minutes
Occupation: Film Agent
Where we met: Gordo’s half of the living
room
BEGINNER LEVEL
___ Can say “I love you”
___ Isn’t hiding another boyfriend
___ Thinks kissing is sexy
___ Has a glowy smile
___ Is at least marginally sensitive
___ Will probably remember my name the next morning INTERMEDIATE LEVEL
___ Can say “I love you” without my saying it first ___ Likes me enough to tell me I’m special
___ Trusts me enough to tell me I’m wrong
___ Always lets me pick the first fortune cookie ___ Teases me when I need it but knows when to stop ___ Pursues making me laugh as a hobby
___ Pretends to like the same things I do even when he doesn’t ___ Misses me when we’re apart
___ Isn’t afraid to fight with me
___ Allows me to drive him crazy
___ Would rather do nothing with me than something by himself ___ Can fall asleep in my lap while I work—and still call it a date TOP-OF-THE-LINE LEVEL
___ Can say “I love you” with his eyes
___ Never lies (except to spare my feelings)
___ Doesn’t worry about losing me because he knows he can’t ___ Forgets there was a time when we didn’t know each other ___ Kisses me for no good reason
___ Celebrates my faults
___ Sighs when I hold him
___ Knows all the lyrics to Flora, The Red Menace (optional) Strong Points : Not applicable
Shortcomings : He’s alive.
Comments : Kill Gordo.
ARGOSY ENTERTAINMENT
Literary Representatives
LOS ANGELES
NEW YORK
TORONTO
LONDON
Mr. Gordon Duboise
100 Bay Street
Santa Monica, California 90405
Re: Representation Agreement
Dear Gordon:
As you are aware, Universal is still waiting for your draft, which is now two months overdue. I attempted to placate them with The Potato People, but they already have an Irish famine picture in development.
Then this morning I received from you the first nineteen pages of Hell in Harlem. You’re joking, right? Perhaps you didn’t understand me.
They’re looking for a love story. A whole one.
Gordon, it might be a good idea for you to seek more appropriate representation elsewhere.
You have three weeks to change my mind. Govern yourself accordingly.
Very truly yours,
Henry A. Duboise
FROM THE DESK
So we bought a townhouse in Santa Monica with two bedrooms, an eat-in kitchen, and a clear-cut set of rules: I get the top floor, he gets the bottom, and a verbal visa is required to cross the border. That way he’s not threatened by my Lysol and I’m not confronted with the all-female
“I’m Auditioning for the Future Ex-Mrs. Gordo” parties he can afford to throw twice a month—particularly when he’s in one of his fetish moods
'e.g., pierced navels and green pubic hair(. But that’s never held him back from stepping in as my voice of reason:
TRAVIS: Which sounds better—“Travis and Julian” or “Julian and Travis”?
GORDO: Did I ever tell you about Kyle?
Which is where he usually fixes me up with any number of studio deadbeats presently harassing him for free rewrites, free options, or coke money. It’s a relatively easy procedure—when he can’t get them off the phone, he has them call me instead. Know what’s worse? I go out with them! (Gordo never considers compatibility an issue. The way he figures it, as long as we both have dicks it ought to work.) I once did dinner with a development creature who refused to sleep with me because I didn’t have enough of an edge. Apparently, he thought I was a pitch meeting. Then he picked up somebody in the men’s room and left me with the check. But I got even. I don’t go to movies any more. Especially his.
“Kyle and Travis.” Actually, that sounds kind of cute.
TRAVIS PUCKETT’S BOYFRIEND CHECKLIST
Name: Kyle
Duration: 55 minutes
Occupation: Film Agent
Where we met: Gordo’s half of the living
room
BEGINNER LEVEL
___ Can say “I love you”
___ Isn’t hiding another boyfriend
___ Thinks kissing is sexy
___ Has a glowy smile
___ Is at least marginally sensitive
___ Will probably remember my name the next morning INTERMEDIATE LEVEL
___ Can say “I love you” without my saying it first ___ Likes me enough to tell me I’m special
___ Trusts me enough to tell me I’m wrong
___ Always lets me pick the first fortune cookie ___ Teases me when I need it but knows when to stop ___ Pursues making me laugh as a hobby
___ Pretends to like the same things I do even when he doesn’t ___ Misses me when we’re apart
___ Isn’t afraid to fight with me
___ Allows me to drive him crazy
___ Would rather do nothing with me than something by himself ___ Can fall asleep in my lap while I work—and still call it a date TOP-OF-THE-LINE LEVEL
___ Can say “I love you” with his eyes
___ Never lies (except to spare my feelings)
___ Doesn’t worry about losing me because he knows he can’t ___ Forgets there was a time when we didn’t know each other ___ Kisses me for no good reason
___ Celebrates my faults
___ Sighs when I hold him
___ Knows all the lyrics to Flora, The Red Menace (optional) Strong Points : Not applicable
Shortcomings : He’s alive.
Comments : Kill Gordo.
ARGOSY ENTERTAINMENT
Literary Representatives
LOS ANGELES
NEW YORK
TORONTO
LONDON
Mr. Gordon Duboise
100 Bay Street
Santa Monica, California 90405
Re: Representation Agreement
Dear Gordon:
As you are aware, Universal is still waiting for your draft, which is now two months overdue. I attempted to placate them with The Potato People, but they already have an Irish famine picture in development.
Then this morning I received from you the first nineteen pages of Hell in Harlem. You’re joking, right? Perhaps you didn’t understand me.
They’re looking for a love story. A whole one.
Gordon, it might be a good idea for you to seek more appropriate representation elsewhere.
You have three weeks to change my mind. Govern yourself accordingly.
Very truly yours,
Henry A. Duboise
FROM THE DESK
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