watch you waste away because you refuse to admit that something is wrong? Whether you’re only refusing to admit it to me, or if you’re hidin’ it from yourself, I don’t know. But I’d rather lose you because you hate me than watch you kill yourself.”
She stands up and, for a second, I see the spark in her eyes that proves that my best friend is still in there somewhere. “I’m not killing myself, Emerson. You don’t know anything.”
“No? Then answer my questions. When’s the last time you ate or slept without the help of a sleepin’ pill. And I’m not talkin’ about noddin’ off while you sit at the table and think about everything you don’t get now that Brett isn’t here.”
She stays silent and I know it’s not because she being stubborn and doesn’t want to answer, it’s because she can’t answer. The confused look on her face screams at me. It’s been long enough that she doesn’t even remember and that scares the hell out of me.
“OK, fine, how about this one? When is the last time you talked to Knox without slammin’ the door on him?”
“You don’t know what it’s like,” she finally whispers, choking on a sob.
“You’re right, I don’t know what it’s like to lose my husband. But you weren’t the only person to lose him. Knox and I lost a friend. His parents lost their son. Cassidy lost her uncle. Britt lost her brother. And as far as I can tell no one but you became an anorexic insomniac while tryin’ to cope with the loss. You have a problem, Ari. They have people that can help with that but you have to want it. You have to stop pushin’ everyone away because you think if they don’t see you that they won’t notice something is wrong.”
“I have it under control, Emerson. It’s nothing I can’t handle on my own.”
I stomp my foot against the ground and even though it isn’t what I mean to do, I scream at her. “You’re killin’ yourself! It’s obviously not something you can handle alone or you wouldn’t look like someone draped skin over a skeleton and called it good. I lost Brett too. I almost lost myself. I’ve lost everything I know how to do and now have to start over again and I have no clue where to begin. I refuse to lose you too! Do you hear me? I fuckin’ refuse!”
She covers her mouth but it does nothing to keep the sob from being heard. Every part of me wants to do the same thing but it won’t do any good so I suck it up and count until I have myself under control.
“I’m not me without him,” she says after I stare at her for a few minutes. “I can’t function. I can’t think. I have to force myself to breathe most of the time. Do you know how many times I think about popping everything in that sleeping pill bottle just so I can be with him again? It would be so easy to just be done with everything. I would finally be free again.”
My chest tightens as her words hit me. I want to run to her and pull her close, never letting her go. But at the same time I want to scream at her and ask how stupid she could possibly be to think that that would help anything at all. Nothing she just said makes any sense at all. Ari has always been strong so watching her break like this is breaking my heart. I step closer to her but decide to stay off the porch.
“Brett never changed you, Ari. You were the same person on the day you met that you were on the day he died. You felt different because you felt him lovin’ you. That’s still there. It wasn’t something he changed about you, it was something he gave you. He never stopped lovin’ you for anything and that doesn’t go away just because he isn’t here anymore. You’re still the same person, babe. What’s it gonna take to make you see that? What’s it gonna take to make you see how sick you are right now?”
“My husband.”
If the flat tone of her voice didn’t signal that the conversation was over, the sound of the door closing echoing around me sure does. It hurts just as
She stands up and, for a second, I see the spark in her eyes that proves that my best friend is still in there somewhere. “I’m not killing myself, Emerson. You don’t know anything.”
“No? Then answer my questions. When’s the last time you ate or slept without the help of a sleepin’ pill. And I’m not talkin’ about noddin’ off while you sit at the table and think about everything you don’t get now that Brett isn’t here.”
She stays silent and I know it’s not because she being stubborn and doesn’t want to answer, it’s because she can’t answer. The confused look on her face screams at me. It’s been long enough that she doesn’t even remember and that scares the hell out of me.
“OK, fine, how about this one? When is the last time you talked to Knox without slammin’ the door on him?”
“You don’t know what it’s like,” she finally whispers, choking on a sob.
“You’re right, I don’t know what it’s like to lose my husband. But you weren’t the only person to lose him. Knox and I lost a friend. His parents lost their son. Cassidy lost her uncle. Britt lost her brother. And as far as I can tell no one but you became an anorexic insomniac while tryin’ to cope with the loss. You have a problem, Ari. They have people that can help with that but you have to want it. You have to stop pushin’ everyone away because you think if they don’t see you that they won’t notice something is wrong.”
“I have it under control, Emerson. It’s nothing I can’t handle on my own.”
I stomp my foot against the ground and even though it isn’t what I mean to do, I scream at her. “You’re killin’ yourself! It’s obviously not something you can handle alone or you wouldn’t look like someone draped skin over a skeleton and called it good. I lost Brett too. I almost lost myself. I’ve lost everything I know how to do and now have to start over again and I have no clue where to begin. I refuse to lose you too! Do you hear me? I fuckin’ refuse!”
She covers her mouth but it does nothing to keep the sob from being heard. Every part of me wants to do the same thing but it won’t do any good so I suck it up and count until I have myself under control.
“I’m not me without him,” she says after I stare at her for a few minutes. “I can’t function. I can’t think. I have to force myself to breathe most of the time. Do you know how many times I think about popping everything in that sleeping pill bottle just so I can be with him again? It would be so easy to just be done with everything. I would finally be free again.”
My chest tightens as her words hit me. I want to run to her and pull her close, never letting her go. But at the same time I want to scream at her and ask how stupid she could possibly be to think that that would help anything at all. Nothing she just said makes any sense at all. Ari has always been strong so watching her break like this is breaking my heart. I step closer to her but decide to stay off the porch.
“Brett never changed you, Ari. You were the same person on the day you met that you were on the day he died. You felt different because you felt him lovin’ you. That’s still there. It wasn’t something he changed about you, it was something he gave you. He never stopped lovin’ you for anything and that doesn’t go away just because he isn’t here anymore. You’re still the same person, babe. What’s it gonna take to make you see that? What’s it gonna take to make you see how sick you are right now?”
“My husband.”
If the flat tone of her voice didn’t signal that the conversation was over, the sound of the door closing echoing around me sure does. It hurts just as
Similar Books
