American Rhapsody by Joe Eszterhas Page A

Ray . . . Houston mayoral candidate Louie Welch saying the way to control AIDS was to “shoot the queers” . . . LBJ explaining to reporters why we were in Vietnam by unzipping himself, taking out his willard, and saying, “This is why” . . . Roseanne’s crotch grab after singing the national anthem . . . George Bush, with a guitar emblazoned THE PREZ , jamming on stage at his inaugural ball . . . Ted Danson in blackface at Whoopi’s roast . . . Gerry Ford, after a long martini lunch, skipping several dozen pages of a speech . . . A Nancy Reagan aide, refusing to schedule a meeting between the First Lady and a child with muscular dystrophy, saying, “Absolutely not. The First Lady doesn’t want her picture taken with some drooly kid on a respirator.” . . .
    What Sally Field did to Burt Reynolds in
Playboy
 . . . George Hamilton and Lynda Bird Johnson . . . Roger Mudd’s interview with Ted Kennedy . . . Reagan saying, “Keeping up with my opponent’s promises is like reading Playboy magazine while your wife turns the pages” . . . Dole on TV with his Exercycle, wearing shorts, a dress shirt, and French cuffs . . . Betty Ford, drunk, being carried off
Air Force One
 . . . Nixon and Kissinger kneeling together, praying . . . Melissa Etheridge, Julie Cypher, and David Crosby’s sperm . . . LBJ turning to the side and taking a whiz at an outdoor press conference . . . LBJ telling a tailor, “I need some more goddamn ball room in these pants” . . . Nixon walking on the beach with his wing-tip cordovans . . . Reagan falling asleep during cabinet meetings.
    Gerry Ford’s flatulence . . . Pat Buchanan saying, “Women are less equipped psychologically to stay the course in the brawling arenas of business, commerce, industry, and the professions” . . . Gary Hart telling the media, “Follow me—I don’t care if anybody wants to put a tail on me. Go ahead. They’d be bored” . . . LBJ displaying his gallbladder and kidney-stone surgery scars for the cameras . . . Jimmy Carter holding Joan Kennedy’s hand as Rosalynn kept her eye on his . . . LBJ’s three Texan secretaries, none of whom knew how to type . . . Quayle using the spelling “potatoe” and “beakon” . . . Carter using the White House stairs as his jogging track . . . LBJ smoking cigarettes with the presidential seal on them . . . Michael Jackson and his chimp . . . Roxanne Pulitzer and her trumpet . . . Alfred Bloomingdale and Vicki Morgan . . .
    Wilbur Mills and Fanne Fox . . . Dan Rather saying, “Courage” . . . Haldeman and Ehrlichman . . . David Geffen and Keanu Reeves . . . Ford examining the change cup at McDonald’s . . . LBJ’s nickname, “Bull Nuts” . . . Pat Nixon’s four martinis for lunch . . . Howard Stern’s ass on prime-time television . . . LBJ buck naked on
Air Force One
with his wife, his daughters, and his secretaries . . . Jimmy Swaggart and the hooker . . . LBJ watching a crowd and saying, “You dumb sons of bitches, I piss on all of you” . . . Jimmy Swaggart’s apology . . . Dan Rather and “What’s the frequency, Kenneth?” . . . LBJ discussing the Civil Rights Act: “I’ll have them niggers voting Democratic for two hundred years” . . . Tricia Nixon wearing a cape and broad-brim hat when she went into the water to go swimming . . .
    LBJ talking about Vietnam: “We’re going to liberate those poor little boogers and I’ll be known as the Great