American Rhapsody by Joe Eszterhas Page B

Emancipator” . . . Woody Allen and Soon-Yi . . . Hubert Humphrey in a cowboy hat . . . Luci Baines Johnson looking for an assistant: “You go find my nigger! Right now! Find my nigger” . . . Jesse Jackson talking about New York City as “Hymietown” . . . Kitty Dukakis drinking her husband’s aftershave . . . Ted Kennedy’s testimony at the William Kennedy Smith trial . . . Reagan wearing a USC Trojan helmet . . . LBJ ordering
Air Force One
to land somewhere and buy some root beer . . . JFK doing that blonde who could have been a Communist secret agent . . . LBJ doing the same blonde who could have been a Communist secret agent . . . Kissinger shoving vegetables off his plate onto the floor of
Air Force One
 . . . Bruce Lindsey saying to the press, “You all have been asses ever since we started” . . . LBJ stealing an electric bed from Walter Reed Army Hospital and flying it to his ranch . . . Richard Gere and the gerbil . . .
Showgirls
.
    The Comeback Kid knew this would be more painful than . . .
    Almost getting drafted . . . the
60 Minutes
interview . . . meeting Monica’s parents at his radio address . . . being interviewed by Woodward . . . golf without mulligans . . . a Sam Donaldson prediction . . . sitting on a dais with Don Imus . . . Hillary throwing things at him . . . the way Monica’s father looked at him . . . watching Nixon on TV with his arms held high . . . being breathed on by Yeltsin . . .
    The way Monica’s mother smiled at him . . . Hillary yelling, “You stupid fuck” . . . Bob Dole’s jokes . . . shaking hands with Nixon . . . watching Al Gore dance . . . watching Roger sing . . . Hillary yelling, “You dumb shit” . . . Harold Ickes bursting into the Oval Office . . . Hillary yelling, “You fucking bastard” . . . Monica going “Da-da-da-da-da” . . . Hillary saying, “Get that whore away from me” at the Little Rock airport . . . the way Hillary’s mother looked at him . . . a Helen Thomas birthday party . . . making a speech at the Vietnam Memorial . . . hearing Monica making those Yoko Ono noises . . .
    Hillary asking “How’s Gennifer?” . . . Joe Klein writing a sequel . . . Monica wearing boots identical to Chelsea’s . . . Chelsea’s spaniel, Zeke, getting hit by a car . . . Hillary with her legs unshaven . . . that condescending look on Blumenthal’s face . . . Hillary moving away from his kiss at the inauguration . . . Vince holding Hillary’s butt in public . . . Monica having her period that day . . . the way Betty Currie didn’t look at him . . .
    Reading William Safire . . . watching Al Gore campaign . . . dinner with George and Mari Will . . . talking to Monica about Hillary . . . watching Tipper from the rear . . . the broiled chicken breasts Hillary wanted him to eat . . . Hillary saying, “Get your dick down! You can’t fuck her here” . . . trying to find poor Web Hubbell some work . . . meeting William Safire . . . sitting on Nancy Hernreich’s couch in a meeting . . . dinner with Hillary’s brothers . . . reading about Chelsea in the tabloids . . . seeing Hillary naked.

[4]
    America Gags, Hollywood Swallows
    â€œHey, there’s a Barbara Walters interview with Barbra Streisand and James Brolin tonight,” Linda Tripp said.
    â€œOy,” Monica said. “I