An Ideal Wife by Sanjay Grover Page A

she?’ I asked very innocently.
    ‘My wife, you idiot!’
    I was aghast, but tickled to the bone. ‘If you dislike her so much then why do you keep her photograph in your wallet?’ I asked amusedly.
    ‘Are you married?’ the Inspector counter-questioned.
    ‘Not yet.’
    ‘Then you won’t understand,’ he replied with a hopeless shake of his head.
    I kept looking at him.
    ‘Don’t just keep looking at me, just answer me. Can you make her disappear?-’
    ‘This is Yamraj’s work.’
    ‘You want to leave this place or not?’
    Ooh boy! This mortal was threatening a god! This woman must be driving him absolutely bonkers. But I was a little shaken at this. This is not what I’d signed up for! I was supposed to find the ideal wife for Sameer, not knock out un-ideal wives of villainous looking inspectors.
    ‘I mean I can’t interfere with Yamraj’s work. This is against our rules,’ I clarified after regaining my composure.
    ‘Rules hmm? Okay, then why don’t you make yourself disappear? It will make my life easier. One less report to file.’
    ‘I wish I could do that but I have got a punishment.’ Helplessness was more than evident from my voice.
    The Inspector started laughing.
    ‘Punishment aur tumhe? Who gave you the punishment?’
    ‘Bhagwaan Dada.’
    ‘As if you alone weren’t enough for me, who is this Bhagwaan Dada now? Tere upar ke area ka don hai kya? Kahan hai?’ His eyes wandered around like a child but couldn’t find anyone so he angrily looked back at me.
    ‘He is in heaven,’ I clarified immediately.
    ‘Then why don’t you go there as well?’
    ‘Can’t go.’
    ‘Then go to the hell, oh I mean the jail,’ infuriated, the Inspector dragged me to the lock-up along with some other criminals.
    The criminals were amused to see me, a dwarf, joining them in lock-up. One of the criminals, who had heard everything, decided to take a dig at me.
    ‘Have you ever seen such a small god?’
    All the criminals started laughing. Fed up with my inability to convince the Inspector, I decided to reply sternly.
    ‘Is it my fault?’
    Seeing me a little angry they stopped laughing for some time, but only until another criminal took a shot at me.
    ‘Arre isko to gussa bhi aata hai,’ and once again there was laughter in the jail.
    I looked at him angrily; Amitabh Bachchan in Zanjeer didn’t look as angry as I was.
    ‘Na munna na, gussa sehat ke liye accha nahin’ another criminal spoke, chucking my chin with his hand.
    Realising these criminals won’t stop teasing me, I distanced myself from them and went to a corner of the jail, all Bachchangiri fizzling out. But one of them followed me and sat next to me, touching shoulder to shoulder. I quietly shifted to my right but he followed me. I kept shifting myself, as the criminal kept following me, till I reached the farthest corner. I was getting extremely angry but as usual wasn’t able to do anything without my god powers.
    Another criminal who was just watching everything till then decided to jump in the teasing bandwagon and sniffed my mouth.
    ‘How much did you take?’ he spoke raising both his eyebrows.
    ‘I took it by mistake,’ I explained.
    ‘Whenever I get caught I say the same’
    ‘I am not a regular cocaine snorter like you who beats his wife every day,’ I replied sternly.
    The criminal was amazed to hear this from me, as no one in the jail knew that he was a married man. He looked back and realised all the others were looking at him with big question marks on their faces.
    ‘Are you married?’ asked one of the puzzled listeners.
    ‘Look who’s talking? The one who killed his wife and buried her near the beach,’ I intervened before the other criminal could answer his jail mate.
    The criminal was astonished to hear his secret brandished out in the open. I went on an overdrive and started spilling the secrets of all the others too. The result was a collective thrashing by the upset inmates.
    ‘We are here because of