to fantasize, but then I catch myself and shut it down. Then I get anxious about whether or not I’ll ever be able to have another hard-on. The irony is that I haven’t been able to masturbate since Cecile left me.”
He added that since the divorce, the few times he had been with a partner had ended in embarrassment and apologies for not being able to “perform.” This humiliation and the fear that he would never have another relationship spurred him to see the therapist who eventually referred him to me.
“I have a homework exercise for you,” I said. “I want you to give yourself permission to fantasize. Try to initiate fantasies throughout the next couple of weeks and try to give yourself the okay to continue with them. Remember, they are just fantasies, so they can be anything you want—they can be immoral, illegal, or fattening—anything.”
Like many clients, Brian was in a bind. I could sense that he was curious and wanted to separate sexual fact from fiction. On the other hand, he was so guilt-ridden and afraid of sexuality that even learning more about it felt wrong. Clients frequently arrive with plenty of opinions, feelings, and attitudes about sexuality. The problem is that too often they are forged by cultural fallacies, media-generated stereotypes, and plain old lies. I continue to be amazed at how solid education delivered without judgment can eradicate much of the guilt and shame that turns life in the bedroom into a struggle instead of a pleasure.
I asked Brian if he was ready to try some physical exercises. When he said he was we headed to the bedroom and got undressed. I peeled away the quilt on the bed and invited him to lie down. Then I got into bed next to him.
As always, I started by teaching Brian some relaxation exercises. I asked him to take long, slow, deep breaths that inflated his stomach and then full exhalations that returned it to its normal shape. I had him close his eyes and I guided him verbally through a mental scan of his body from his head to his toes. “Continue breathing, and when you find a tense spot in your body breathe into it and then breathe the tension out with the next exhalation,” I said. When we finished the scan, I guided Brian in another five deep breaths. “Try to release any remaining tension.” I asked Brian how he was feeling, and he said he felt more relaxed than when he had arrived.
It was time to move on to Spoon Breathing. This exercise deepens intimacy and brings me into contact with a client. I asked Brian to turn to his left side so that his back was facing me. Then I turned over so that I was snuggled up against him, spooning. I draped my arm over his waist and bent my knees into the backs of his. “Just breathe naturally,” I said softly. “Take nice, easy, normal breaths.” I paid close attention to the rhythm of Brian’s breathing and synchronized my own with his. Soon we were breathing in and out together and a physical and emotional synergy started to build. I asked Brian how he felt and if he was ready to go on to Sensual Touch. When he said he was I asked him to roll over into the middle of the bed onto his abdomen and spread his legs into a V shape. I knelt down on the floor below the end of the bed. I asked him to take a deep breath, and when he exhaled I started exploring his feet and ankles. He had low arches and calluses around the outer edge of his big toes.
I moved to the bed and knelt between his legs. The hair on his legs was almost white, lighter than the hair on his head. At first, he was so tense that the muscles in his thighs and back felt like rope. As I slid the palms of my hands over them, I could feel some of the tension subside. I passed my hands over his butt and up his back. He had cinnamon-colored freckles across his broad shoulders. I went across each shoulder and then down his arms to his hands. The tautness in his muscles unraveled a bit.
I moved back up his arms to his shoulders and neck and then I
He added that since the divorce, the few times he had been with a partner had ended in embarrassment and apologies for not being able to “perform.” This humiliation and the fear that he would never have another relationship spurred him to see the therapist who eventually referred him to me.
“I have a homework exercise for you,” I said. “I want you to give yourself permission to fantasize. Try to initiate fantasies throughout the next couple of weeks and try to give yourself the okay to continue with them. Remember, they are just fantasies, so they can be anything you want—they can be immoral, illegal, or fattening—anything.”
Like many clients, Brian was in a bind. I could sense that he was curious and wanted to separate sexual fact from fiction. On the other hand, he was so guilt-ridden and afraid of sexuality that even learning more about it felt wrong. Clients frequently arrive with plenty of opinions, feelings, and attitudes about sexuality. The problem is that too often they are forged by cultural fallacies, media-generated stereotypes, and plain old lies. I continue to be amazed at how solid education delivered without judgment can eradicate much of the guilt and shame that turns life in the bedroom into a struggle instead of a pleasure.
I asked Brian if he was ready to try some physical exercises. When he said he was we headed to the bedroom and got undressed. I peeled away the quilt on the bed and invited him to lie down. Then I got into bed next to him.
As always, I started by teaching Brian some relaxation exercises. I asked him to take long, slow, deep breaths that inflated his stomach and then full exhalations that returned it to its normal shape. I had him close his eyes and I guided him verbally through a mental scan of his body from his head to his toes. “Continue breathing, and when you find a tense spot in your body breathe into it and then breathe the tension out with the next exhalation,” I said. When we finished the scan, I guided Brian in another five deep breaths. “Try to release any remaining tension.” I asked Brian how he was feeling, and he said he felt more relaxed than when he had arrived.
It was time to move on to Spoon Breathing. This exercise deepens intimacy and brings me into contact with a client. I asked Brian to turn to his left side so that his back was facing me. Then I turned over so that I was snuggled up against him, spooning. I draped my arm over his waist and bent my knees into the backs of his. “Just breathe naturally,” I said softly. “Take nice, easy, normal breaths.” I paid close attention to the rhythm of Brian’s breathing and synchronized my own with his. Soon we were breathing in and out together and a physical and emotional synergy started to build. I asked Brian how he felt and if he was ready to go on to Sensual Touch. When he said he was I asked him to roll over into the middle of the bed onto his abdomen and spread his legs into a V shape. I knelt down on the floor below the end of the bed. I asked him to take a deep breath, and when he exhaled I started exploring his feet and ankles. He had low arches and calluses around the outer edge of his big toes.
I moved to the bed and knelt between his legs. The hair on his legs was almost white, lighter than the hair on his head. At first, he was so tense that the muscles in his thighs and back felt like rope. As I slid the palms of my hands over them, I could feel some of the tension subside. I passed my hands over his butt and up his back. He had cinnamon-colored freckles across his broad shoulders. I went across each shoulder and then down his arms to his hands. The tautness in his muscles unraveled a bit.
I moved back up his arms to his shoulders and neck and then I
Similar Books
