just sink into time. He’s not even gone and I’ve told myself he is. What do I have to lose? Shit, Angus.”
“Listen…”
“No, you listen. I held on to my mother my whole life. I dreamed that she was scheming to come get me. I have every one of those postcards she sent from Reno. She didn’t sign them, didn’t write on them. But I looked at those casinos and called them castles. They quit coming, and I stared at the old ones until I wore them out. Shit, somewhere back there that bitch of a mother of mine must have at least thought about coming for me. Then Ms. Lemry and I found her, and she was weak and scared. I got it in my head that I didn’t really want her; not the real her, anyway. I had only wanted the idea of her.
“But when you said let’s go find her, I realized it wasn’t over. What if she didn’t come back because she was scared of my dad? I thought. What if I could have her after all? And we go and she not only doesn’t want me, she’s replaced me.”
“I know. We shouldn’t have gone. It was a bad idea.”
“Hell if it was,” she says. “It was a fucking greatidea. This is how you find out what’s real , Angus. You look it in the eye.”
“Okay,” I say, “it’s real. That doesn’t tell me why we can’t be in love.”
“Because right now you feel sorry for me. You like to help people, and you just watched me take one in the gut. But you know what? You’re forgetting that I’m ugly. And six months from now, I’ll still be ugly, and a year after that and a year after that. And you won’t feel sorry for me anymore, and you’ll notice like crazy. And I’ll be stuck losing something I can’t afford to lose.”
Man, I hate it when somebody thinks they know what I’m thinking. Even if they do. “You’re not ugly to me.”
“Bullshit.”
“Bullshit back. You’re not. Hell, with my glasses off I can barely see you. And even if you were ugly, you’re no uglier than me. You ever see those aliens on Star Wars or Star Trek? Dog noses, cookie-cutter fork things all down their cheeks, some of ’em. Pointy ears. How do you think they keep their generations going? I look at ’em and say, ‘Hey, Movie Genius, what were you thinking when you created that? ’ But to them, they’re not ugly, they just look like each other. If the world was made up of mostly fat people and burned people, we’d be fuckin’magazine models. And if that’s true, then we are.”
“Those aren’t real things, Angus. They’re either digital or created in a makeup place.”
“Maybe, but you get the point.” I reach across the table and grab her hand, and only get a little bit of mayonnaise on it. “This last year one of the studs on the football team paid a bunch of guys to vote for me to be our high school Winter Ball king. It must have cost him a fortune, but he’s a rich kid. His girlfriend was the Winter Ball queen, and he had some sick shit going on where he wanted to teach us both a lesson. I’d messed him up pretty good on the football field, and who knows what he thought she did. Anyway, I’d been in love with this girl, like, forever, so even though I was embarrassed out of my mind, I wanted to go through with it, just so I could have my moment with her. You know, something to hold on to. Something to remember. She wasn’t my date; she was showing up with him. I just had that one dance; that one little five-minute… thing.”
Sarah nods. She does know that.
“So he gets drunk at the dance and embarrasses me and her, and she gets majorly pissed and leaves the dance with me. My five-minute thing turns into maybe an hour-and-a-half thing, because I get to buy her a milkshake and drive her home and sit in the car andtalk for a little while. When it’s done, I got way more than I expected. I got extra time and the satisfaction of knowing she dropped him like a molten turd. Then she went and got with some other asshole.”
Sarah softens a little. “Welcome to Planet Earth,
“Listen…”
“No, you listen. I held on to my mother my whole life. I dreamed that she was scheming to come get me. I have every one of those postcards she sent from Reno. She didn’t sign them, didn’t write on them. But I looked at those casinos and called them castles. They quit coming, and I stared at the old ones until I wore them out. Shit, somewhere back there that bitch of a mother of mine must have at least thought about coming for me. Then Ms. Lemry and I found her, and she was weak and scared. I got it in my head that I didn’t really want her; not the real her, anyway. I had only wanted the idea of her.
“But when you said let’s go find her, I realized it wasn’t over. What if she didn’t come back because she was scared of my dad? I thought. What if I could have her after all? And we go and she not only doesn’t want me, she’s replaced me.”
“I know. We shouldn’t have gone. It was a bad idea.”
“Hell if it was,” she says. “It was a fucking greatidea. This is how you find out what’s real , Angus. You look it in the eye.”
“Okay,” I say, “it’s real. That doesn’t tell me why we can’t be in love.”
“Because right now you feel sorry for me. You like to help people, and you just watched me take one in the gut. But you know what? You’re forgetting that I’m ugly. And six months from now, I’ll still be ugly, and a year after that and a year after that. And you won’t feel sorry for me anymore, and you’ll notice like crazy. And I’ll be stuck losing something I can’t afford to lose.”
Man, I hate it when somebody thinks they know what I’m thinking. Even if they do. “You’re not ugly to me.”
“Bullshit.”
“Bullshit back. You’re not. Hell, with my glasses off I can barely see you. And even if you were ugly, you’re no uglier than me. You ever see those aliens on Star Wars or Star Trek? Dog noses, cookie-cutter fork things all down their cheeks, some of ’em. Pointy ears. How do you think they keep their generations going? I look at ’em and say, ‘Hey, Movie Genius, what were you thinking when you created that? ’ But to them, they’re not ugly, they just look like each other. If the world was made up of mostly fat people and burned people, we’d be fuckin’magazine models. And if that’s true, then we are.”
“Those aren’t real things, Angus. They’re either digital or created in a makeup place.”
“Maybe, but you get the point.” I reach across the table and grab her hand, and only get a little bit of mayonnaise on it. “This last year one of the studs on the football team paid a bunch of guys to vote for me to be our high school Winter Ball king. It must have cost him a fortune, but he’s a rich kid. His girlfriend was the Winter Ball queen, and he had some sick shit going on where he wanted to teach us both a lesson. I’d messed him up pretty good on the football field, and who knows what he thought she did. Anyway, I’d been in love with this girl, like, forever, so even though I was embarrassed out of my mind, I wanted to go through with it, just so I could have my moment with her. You know, something to hold on to. Something to remember. She wasn’t my date; she was showing up with him. I just had that one dance; that one little five-minute… thing.”
Sarah nods. She does know that.
“So he gets drunk at the dance and embarrasses me and her, and she gets majorly pissed and leaves the dance with me. My five-minute thing turns into maybe an hour-and-a-half thing, because I get to buy her a milkshake and drive her home and sit in the car andtalk for a little while. When it’s done, I got way more than I expected. I got extra time and the satisfaction of knowing she dropped him like a molten turd. Then she went and got with some other asshole.”
Sarah softens a little. “Welcome to Planet Earth,
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