knows.”
Tina was a friend of theirs who’d moved out to L.A. a few months earlier.
“A room?” Eddie asked.
“Yeah, you never know how long these shows will last, so I don’t want to get overconfident, start spending money I don’t have. Everyone tells me that. Save it away for the dry spells.”
“Don’t you think we should get our own place?”
“Oh, honey. I didn’t think it made sense. They’ll probably cancel the thing after half a season, and I’ll be right back in New York.”
But he knew she would never be back in New York. If the show got canceled, she would get another show.
“I just assumed you would want me there with you.”
“Of course,” she said. “But I’ll be so busy, and what would you do out here?”
It took him a moment to understand.
“What would I do? It’s L.A. I’m an actor.”
“I know you are. It’s just . . .”
“Just what?”
“Since I’ve been here, I’ve realized how tough it is.”
“You don’t seem to be having it that tough.”
“But that’s just it. I’m at a real make-or-break point right now. I need to concentrate on my career. And if you move out to be with me, and you can’t find work, it’s going to put too much pressure on me. I can’t deal with it right now.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t get cast for a show about a blind detective. I know that’s the gold ring we’ve been chasing all these years.”
“Well, if you have such disdain for that kind of work, that’s all the more reason you shouldn’t come out here.”
“Disdain?” Eddie said. “You fucking hate television. You’re the one who talks about art, who wants to be doing Chekhov at the Old Vic or whatever. And now you’re giving it up because some producer thinks you’re the next hot thing.”
When she spoke again, she didn’t sound angry or hurt.
“The way you’re handling all this just confirms that I made the right decision.”
“So this was all decided before you even spoke with me?”
“Eddie,” she said, and the tenderness in her voice calmed him, brought him to hopeful attention, so that what came next had maximum effect. “You’re dedicating your life to something you’ve got no talent for whatsoever. It’s killed me for years to pretend otherwise, and I can’t pretend anymore.”
For a long time, Eddie had thought that Martha ended his career with this remark, said purely out of spite. But watching the video now, he could see that she really had known all along. It was all over her face as she tried to work with him. If anything, he wished she’d said something sooner. Why hadn’tshe warned him? Not on her way out of his life, when the truth could only be destructive, but at a time when it was still possible to do something about it.
He continued watching, making no effort to find scenes that would really interest Morgan. There wouldn’t be many, he knew. It wasn’t something they’d done on purpose. If you spent that much time alternately having sex and being on camera it was inevitable that you would occasionally wind up doing both at once. There had been some excitement to knowing the camera was capturing them, but afterward they forgot about it. They’d never looked at clips, at least not together. In one scene Eddie came across, they were kissing, and he thought he might have found what Morgan wanted. But they stopped and engaged in a discussion of the mechanics of on-screen chemistry. Eddie felt embarrassed for his younger self, trapped in this bubble of dramatic irony, where not just the audience but the other characters knew the simple truth that hadn’t dawned on him. And for the first time in years, he even felt some sympathy for Martha.
Perhaps if he’d handled it differently after their conversation, she would have flown back to New York and they would have at least talked it out a bit. After all, they’d been together a long time. You didn’t end a thing like this with one phone call. They might have had a few
Tina was a friend of theirs who’d moved out to L.A. a few months earlier.
“A room?” Eddie asked.
“Yeah, you never know how long these shows will last, so I don’t want to get overconfident, start spending money I don’t have. Everyone tells me that. Save it away for the dry spells.”
“Don’t you think we should get our own place?”
“Oh, honey. I didn’t think it made sense. They’ll probably cancel the thing after half a season, and I’ll be right back in New York.”
But he knew she would never be back in New York. If the show got canceled, she would get another show.
“I just assumed you would want me there with you.”
“Of course,” she said. “But I’ll be so busy, and what would you do out here?”
It took him a moment to understand.
“What would I do? It’s L.A. I’m an actor.”
“I know you are. It’s just . . .”
“Just what?”
“Since I’ve been here, I’ve realized how tough it is.”
“You don’t seem to be having it that tough.”
“But that’s just it. I’m at a real make-or-break point right now. I need to concentrate on my career. And if you move out to be with me, and you can’t find work, it’s going to put too much pressure on me. I can’t deal with it right now.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t get cast for a show about a blind detective. I know that’s the gold ring we’ve been chasing all these years.”
“Well, if you have such disdain for that kind of work, that’s all the more reason you shouldn’t come out here.”
“Disdain?” Eddie said. “You fucking hate television. You’re the one who talks about art, who wants to be doing Chekhov at the Old Vic or whatever. And now you’re giving it up because some producer thinks you’re the next hot thing.”
When she spoke again, she didn’t sound angry or hurt.
“The way you’re handling all this just confirms that I made the right decision.”
“So this was all decided before you even spoke with me?”
“Eddie,” she said, and the tenderness in her voice calmed him, brought him to hopeful attention, so that what came next had maximum effect. “You’re dedicating your life to something you’ve got no talent for whatsoever. It’s killed me for years to pretend otherwise, and I can’t pretend anymore.”
For a long time, Eddie had thought that Martha ended his career with this remark, said purely out of spite. But watching the video now, he could see that she really had known all along. It was all over her face as she tried to work with him. If anything, he wished she’d said something sooner. Why hadn’tshe warned him? Not on her way out of his life, when the truth could only be destructive, but at a time when it was still possible to do something about it.
He continued watching, making no effort to find scenes that would really interest Morgan. There wouldn’t be many, he knew. It wasn’t something they’d done on purpose. If you spent that much time alternately having sex and being on camera it was inevitable that you would occasionally wind up doing both at once. There had been some excitement to knowing the camera was capturing them, but afterward they forgot about it. They’d never looked at clips, at least not together. In one scene Eddie came across, they were kissing, and he thought he might have found what Morgan wanted. But they stopped and engaged in a discussion of the mechanics of on-screen chemistry. Eddie felt embarrassed for his younger self, trapped in this bubble of dramatic irony, where not just the audience but the other characters knew the simple truth that hadn’t dawned on him. And for the first time in years, he even felt some sympathy for Martha.
Perhaps if he’d handled it differently after their conversation, she would have flown back to New York and they would have at least talked it out a bit. After all, they’d been together a long time. You didn’t end a thing like this with one phone call. They might have had a few
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