didn’t marry Steve out of desperation because
of it. And no – Oh, please, God, no – she didn’t mess up
Elizabeth’s life, too, because she had been a stupid, moronic,
idiotic kid who didn’t use her brain at the most crucial juncture
of her life.
Yes. Yes, she had. And the realization that
there was nothing she could do to change any of it washed over her,
leaving behind a sorrow so deep and heavy that she crumpled, unable
to remain upright beneath it.
She pressed her cheek against the dusty
surface of the desk as deep, painful sobs tore through her chest.
The crushing guilt came roaring to the surface again, and for the
first time in years she let herself imagine what could have been –
Derek holding his baby daughter, Elizabeth feeling safe and loved
by her father instead of telling a framed photograph of a stranger
goodnight.
On the heels of those images came the thought
of what it might have been like to be with Derek all those years.
Instead of the parade of bad dates, the lonely nights and the cold
feeling of abandonment, maybe it could have been the way it was
that summer when she and Derek were so in love that it colored
everything with hope. With him she would have been more than The
Mommy, The Sister, The Daughter, The Boss; all were satisfying in
their way, but still, something was missing. And what was missing
was Athena. Over the years she’d stifled who she was in order to be
what other people needed, but when she’d been with Derek there was
no holding back. He’d loved her for who she was, not some
preconceived notion of what others thought she should be.
But more than that, she missed being the
object of someone’s desire. Now that she’d seen Derek again, she
knew why her infrequent dates hadn’t satisfied that longing; they
didn’t desire her, they just desired sex. Who they got it from was
immaterial. Derek had wanted her. She wanted – needed – that again.
And she wanted it from Derek.
Though she’d tried to bury it under hurt and
betrayal and anger, she still loved him. She didn’t want to, but
she couldn’t deny it. Even the cold detachment she’d seen in his
eyes couldn’t change it. She loved him and she’d lost him, and
grief knifed through her at the realization that she had no one to
blame for that but herself. It wasn’t Derek’s fault, or Tina’s, or
anyone else she’d tried to blame. It was all her own fault for
throwing Derek’s love away, and she didn’t think she could live
with herself now that she’d admitted it.
A gentle touch on her shoulder made her jump
in surprise. She hadn’t heard Paul enter the room and she was
embarrassed that he found her in such a state.
Without a word, he pulled her up and wrapped
his arms around her, rocking her gently back and forth. Athena
collapsed against him, desperate for the comfort he silently
offered. After a moment or two, she took a deep breath, determined
to regain control. With the same iron will that got her through the
past seven years, she banished the tears and wiped her fingers
under her eyes. She nestled her head against Paul’s chest and
sighed.
“Thank you.”
“Mmm.” Paul’s voice rumbled against her ear.
“What did he say to you, love?”
“Nothing that didn’t need saying,” she
croaked.
A derisive snort shook his shoulders. “I
can’t imagine you deserved anything that would reduce you to
this.”
“Well, I did. In fact, in light of things, he
went easy on me.” She shook her head, her hair rustling against the
front of his shirt. “You can’t blame him because I’m in here
bawling like a baby.” With a sigh, Athena sat up and brushed her
hair away from her face. “But it’s not important, and I’m
okay.”
Paul peered at her with eagle eyes. “Are you?
I don’t think so.”
“All right,” she relented. “I’ll be okay
eventually. How’s that?”
“A load of bullshit, darling, that’s how it
is.” He lifted a skeptical brow and shook his head. “But I can
of it. And no – Oh, please, God, no – she didn’t mess up
Elizabeth’s life, too, because she had been a stupid, moronic,
idiotic kid who didn’t use her brain at the most crucial juncture
of her life.
Yes. Yes, she had. And the realization that
there was nothing she could do to change any of it washed over her,
leaving behind a sorrow so deep and heavy that she crumpled, unable
to remain upright beneath it.
She pressed her cheek against the dusty
surface of the desk as deep, painful sobs tore through her chest.
The crushing guilt came roaring to the surface again, and for the
first time in years she let herself imagine what could have been –
Derek holding his baby daughter, Elizabeth feeling safe and loved
by her father instead of telling a framed photograph of a stranger
goodnight.
On the heels of those images came the thought
of what it might have been like to be with Derek all those years.
Instead of the parade of bad dates, the lonely nights and the cold
feeling of abandonment, maybe it could have been the way it was
that summer when she and Derek were so in love that it colored
everything with hope. With him she would have been more than The
Mommy, The Sister, The Daughter, The Boss; all were satisfying in
their way, but still, something was missing. And what was missing
was Athena. Over the years she’d stifled who she was in order to be
what other people needed, but when she’d been with Derek there was
no holding back. He’d loved her for who she was, not some
preconceived notion of what others thought she should be.
But more than that, she missed being the
object of someone’s desire. Now that she’d seen Derek again, she
knew why her infrequent dates hadn’t satisfied that longing; they
didn’t desire her, they just desired sex. Who they got it from was
immaterial. Derek had wanted her. She wanted – needed – that again.
And she wanted it from Derek.
Though she’d tried to bury it under hurt and
betrayal and anger, she still loved him. She didn’t want to, but
she couldn’t deny it. Even the cold detachment she’d seen in his
eyes couldn’t change it. She loved him and she’d lost him, and
grief knifed through her at the realization that she had no one to
blame for that but herself. It wasn’t Derek’s fault, or Tina’s, or
anyone else she’d tried to blame. It was all her own fault for
throwing Derek’s love away, and she didn’t think she could live
with herself now that she’d admitted it.
A gentle touch on her shoulder made her jump
in surprise. She hadn’t heard Paul enter the room and she was
embarrassed that he found her in such a state.
Without a word, he pulled her up and wrapped
his arms around her, rocking her gently back and forth. Athena
collapsed against him, desperate for the comfort he silently
offered. After a moment or two, she took a deep breath, determined
to regain control. With the same iron will that got her through the
past seven years, she banished the tears and wiped her fingers
under her eyes. She nestled her head against Paul’s chest and
sighed.
“Thank you.”
“Mmm.” Paul’s voice rumbled against her ear.
“What did he say to you, love?”
“Nothing that didn’t need saying,” she
croaked.
A derisive snort shook his shoulders. “I
can’t imagine you deserved anything that would reduce you to
this.”
“Well, I did. In fact, in light of things, he
went easy on me.” She shook her head, her hair rustling against the
front of his shirt. “You can’t blame him because I’m in here
bawling like a baby.” With a sigh, Athena sat up and brushed her
hair away from her face. “But it’s not important, and I’m
okay.”
Paul peered at her with eagle eyes. “Are you?
I don’t think so.”
“All right,” she relented. “I’ll be okay
eventually. How’s that?”
“A load of bullshit, darling, that’s how it
is.” He lifted a skeptical brow and shook his head. “But I can
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