Attack of the Mutant Underwear by Tom Birdseye Page B

him a dollar he wouldn’t. Our beloved principal, Mrs. Mead, found out and made him give the money back. Then she got on the intercom and said, “There is to be no kissing for money.”
    Zach faked like he was really disappointed. “Aw, gee!” he said. “Just when I was feeling all lovey!” He puckered up and acted like he was blowing kisses everywhere. When Libby said, “Gag!” Emerson laughed. For a second I thought Zach was going to punch them both. I mean really punch them.
    Obviously, kissing is an emotional issue.
    New ace-brilliant-type-Question-Man survey topic: kissing.
    Questions:
    â€”Who would you most like to kiss?
    On second thought, this is not a good survey topic. I’d better come up with something else. Still time enough for one more before they’re due on Friday. Boy, is Ms. B gonna be surprised at all the ace-brilliant-type-Question-Man work I’ve done! Next stop, A + city!
    Wednesday, December 20
    Today in class I saw Amy’s survey. She just did one, but it was really long with tons of questions, and it was graphed really cool with different colors. Printed across the top was her title: “Women in the New Millennium.”
    Which, when I thought about it, was just the kind of serious, thoughtful topic Ms. B probably wanted. So I started worrying. What if my surveys are too short? Or silly? Or weird? Or there are just too many of them? What if Ms. B thinks they’re stupid? WHAT IF SHE GIVES ME ANOTHER OLD ME C?
    So when I got home, I threw away all my surveys. And I spent two whole hours writing down lots of questions about “Men in the Twenty-first Century.” Now all I have to do is get some quick answers (I’ll go ask Dad) and—BINGO—an A + !
    Amy gets to take Ralphster home for the holidays. She’s really excited. I’ve never seen a hamster smile, but I’ll betcha Ralphster is happy, too. Knowing Amy, he’ll be treated like a king!
    Thursday, December 21
    Today is the shortest day of the year. So I’ll keep this short.
    Later,
Thursday, December 21
    Well, not as short as I thought. A quick report: As a class we sold 293 chocolate bars and earned $439.50 toward our Incredible-Fantastic-End-of-the-Year Camp-out. Cool.
    Eight kids sold more than I did. Good thing I found my real calling, ace-brilliant-type-Question-Man, in the meantime.
    Even later,
Thursday, December 21
    Okay, okay, so I’m a blabbermouth on paper. But for the record, I just had to write down that Mom and Dad finally asked me what I want for Christmas. They were expecting the usual mile-long list, like greedy Old Me used to give them. But this year, I just said, “Not much. Surprise me.”
    After she got her jaw up off the floor, Mom said, “You’re a good kid, Cody.”
    Dad nodded. “That he is!”
    Wouldn’t you write that down, too?
    Friday, December 22
    Amy was sick today, the last day of school before vacation. I volunteered to take Ralphster to her, since she won the lottery. Ms. B said, “That’s very sweet of you, Cody.”
    Then Ms. B told us to be sure to put our surveys in the homework box. I looked in my notebook and mine was gone. I was sure I’d put it in there, but somehow, somewhere, I’d lost it!
    I didn’t want to tell Ms. B. This was just the kind of thing I used to do in fourth grade, and third, and … I didn’t want her to think I’m still like the Old Me. But then I turned right around and did a dumb Old Me thing—nothing. I didn’t hand in anything at all. So now I’ll get a big fat zero. Journal title idea: How Did Cody Get So Stupid?
    Oh well, at least there’s no school for two whole weeks. And I’ve got Ralphster. He’s eating a carrot I gave him. Hi, Ralphster! Be sure to tell Amy I fed you well!
    Uh-oh, I’m talking to a rodent.
    Saturday, December 23
    Woke up early this morning to find Emma in my room staring at