to
hush, Helen tried to imagine what Daniel’s reaction would be, if
she was pregnant. He had made it clear that children weren’t on his
current to-do list.
They’re not on mine, either,
if I’m honest. I’ve got a creation of a wedding dress to fit
into and a baby-bump doesn’t form part of that plan at all.
Watching the mother wheel her
pram to a nearby bench before tenderly lifting out the swaddled
infant, Helen began to wonder if maybe a baby could be part of a
new plan. Being a third of a PA to Daniel wasn’t really the
meaningful career she’d set her sights on at King’s and even if the
photography took off it wasn’t going to fill her life overnight.
Watching the mother snuggling into the tiny infant Helen felt an
alien pang of envy.
The tricky part, of course,
will be convincing Daniel.
Helen opted to travel halfway
across London to buy a pregnancy test, wanting to make sure she
didn’t bump into anyone that she and Daniel knew. It seemed crazy
to be so furtive about something so exciting, but the emotions
running through her were too tangled to comprehend.
The paper bag containing the
test lurked ominously at the bottom of her rucksack all day,
drawing her thoughts and her gaze more than once. She decided to do
the test the following morning, when it would be most accurate.
After Daniel has left for
work, she added subconsciously. In her mind Daniel had begun to
take on the role of a disapproving parent that she needed to hide
the truth from.
It was difficult to act
normally around Daniel that evening and she was glad that he, too,
was preoccupied. She gathered from his monologue ramblings at
dinner that he had some big deal at work that he was hoping to
secure. Normally she made every effort to follow his conversation
so she could have a valid opinion and not need to ask stupid
questions when entertaining his colleagues. Tonight, though, she
nodded in what she hoped were the right places and murmured
soothing responses when he seemed most agitated.
When he said to go to bed
without him as he had a report to finish she had to try hard to
mask her relief.
Daniel left early as usual and
Helen lay in bed pretending to be asleep so she didn’t have to
speak to him. She had barely shut her eyes all night, thinking
about the test in the paper bag. As sleep stubbornly refused to
come Helen had stared at the darkness trying to analyse her
emotions, wondering what her reaction to the test result would be
however many lines there were in the window.
It shocked her to discover that
part of her longed for the test to be positive. A need that she
hadn’t realised existed was growing inside her much as a baby
might, even though the concept was still terrifying. Dawn was the
only person she knew with kids and she was such a natural parent,
Helen couldn’t imagine being anything like as calm or in control.
The idea of having a tiny baby to care for at once pleased and
petrified her.
At last the apartment was still
and Helen felt able to get out of bed and retrieve the paper bag
from the hall closet. With trembling hands, Helen tore into the
foil packet. Part of her mind was surprised that they made the
packet so hard to open. Surely every nearly-mother is nervous at
this point, even for a planned pregnancy? So much would come
from the next three minutes, her whole life potentially changed
forever.
After following the
instructions carefully Helen sat staring at the bathroom tiles not
daring to look at the little plastic window until the three minutes
was up. It took all her willpower to keep looking away, as if her
attention or inattention might influence the outcome.
When she finally dared to look
she forgot for a heartbeat whether seeing two lines was good or
bad. A quick glance at the instructions confirmed what she already
knew and her limbs became limp and liquid.
“Good god.” Her voice,
unnaturally high, echoed around the immaculately finished
bathroom
She wanted to ring someone,
anyone,
hush, Helen tried to imagine what Daniel’s reaction would be, if
she was pregnant. He had made it clear that children weren’t on his
current to-do list.
They’re not on mine, either,
if I’m honest. I’ve got a creation of a wedding dress to fit
into and a baby-bump doesn’t form part of that plan at all.
Watching the mother wheel her
pram to a nearby bench before tenderly lifting out the swaddled
infant, Helen began to wonder if maybe a baby could be part of a
new plan. Being a third of a PA to Daniel wasn’t really the
meaningful career she’d set her sights on at King’s and even if the
photography took off it wasn’t going to fill her life overnight.
Watching the mother snuggling into the tiny infant Helen felt an
alien pang of envy.
The tricky part, of course,
will be convincing Daniel.
Helen opted to travel halfway
across London to buy a pregnancy test, wanting to make sure she
didn’t bump into anyone that she and Daniel knew. It seemed crazy
to be so furtive about something so exciting, but the emotions
running through her were too tangled to comprehend.
The paper bag containing the
test lurked ominously at the bottom of her rucksack all day,
drawing her thoughts and her gaze more than once. She decided to do
the test the following morning, when it would be most accurate.
After Daniel has left for
work, she added subconsciously. In her mind Daniel had begun to
take on the role of a disapproving parent that she needed to hide
the truth from.
It was difficult to act
normally around Daniel that evening and she was glad that he, too,
was preoccupied. She gathered from his monologue ramblings at
dinner that he had some big deal at work that he was hoping to
secure. Normally she made every effort to follow his conversation
so she could have a valid opinion and not need to ask stupid
questions when entertaining his colleagues. Tonight, though, she
nodded in what she hoped were the right places and murmured
soothing responses when he seemed most agitated.
When he said to go to bed
without him as he had a report to finish she had to try hard to
mask her relief.
Daniel left early as usual and
Helen lay in bed pretending to be asleep so she didn’t have to
speak to him. She had barely shut her eyes all night, thinking
about the test in the paper bag. As sleep stubbornly refused to
come Helen had stared at the darkness trying to analyse her
emotions, wondering what her reaction to the test result would be
however many lines there were in the window.
It shocked her to discover that
part of her longed for the test to be positive. A need that she
hadn’t realised existed was growing inside her much as a baby
might, even though the concept was still terrifying. Dawn was the
only person she knew with kids and she was such a natural parent,
Helen couldn’t imagine being anything like as calm or in control.
The idea of having a tiny baby to care for at once pleased and
petrified her.
At last the apartment was still
and Helen felt able to get out of bed and retrieve the paper bag
from the hall closet. With trembling hands, Helen tore into the
foil packet. Part of her mind was surprised that they made the
packet so hard to open. Surely every nearly-mother is nervous at
this point, even for a planned pregnancy? So much would come
from the next three minutes, her whole life potentially changed
forever.
After following the
instructions carefully Helen sat staring at the bathroom tiles not
daring to look at the little plastic window until the three minutes
was up. It took all her willpower to keep looking away, as if her
attention or inattention might influence the outcome.
When she finally dared to look
she forgot for a heartbeat whether seeing two lines was good or
bad. A quick glance at the instructions confirmed what she already
knew and her limbs became limp and liquid.
“Good god.” Her voice,
unnaturally high, echoed around the immaculately finished
bathroom
She wanted to ring someone,
anyone,
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