you, the girl’s nuts or something.” I paused, tasting blood. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
Dad stayed quiet, staring at me. His jaw was moving up and down so hard I could hear his teeth clicking.
“What?”
I said.
“There’s something you’re not telling us.” He clenched his fork. “I can feel it.”
“What, do you think I’m secretly friends with Cassie Jackson?” I tried to laugh, but the sound got trapped in my throat. “Do you think we talk in code or something, just the two of us? Oh, I get it.
That’s
what we were doing today! We were talking in code, in front of the whole school, right in the middle of Mass.”
“There’s no need to be sarcastic, Marin.”
“I don’t know what you want me to tell you!”
“I want you to tell me the truth.”
“I
am
telling you the truth!” My voice quavered. “Why won’t you believe me?”
He held my gaze until I couldn’t look at him anymore. “I don’t know, Marin.” He dropped his fork, letting itclatter against the plate. “I just don’t know what to believe anymore.”
Anymore.
As if I’d been some sort of poster child before, an obedient, perfect little girl. He was still frustrated by the whole thing with my eyes, acting as if I was purposely keeping myself afflicted or stuck, playing some weird game that had to do with Mom dying. He thought that was the thing that had changed me. But the truth was, I’d become someone else long before it had arrived. He just didn’t remember anymore.
“I can’t even believe you.” I stood up, balling my fists. “You’re being such a
jerk.
”
“Marin!” Nan pleaded. “Sit down, sweetheart.”
I ignored her. “Why are you acting like any of this is
my
fault? I didn’t
do
anything. I was just sitting there, minding my own business. She’s the one who flipped out, okay? Not me!”
He studied me for a moment, his jaws still grinding his food. A new S-shaped glob glowed bright yellow under both cheeks, getting darker behind his nose. The original sinus infection had cleared up somewhat, but his allergies, which flared up in the spring, were a source of constant annoyance.
“Okay,” he said. “Fine. If you’re telling me you’re not involved in something with this girl, then I don’t have any choice but to believe you.”
“But you don’t believe me.” I stared at him.
“No, I do.” There was a catch in his throat, and hecleared it. “I just … I don’t want anyone pushing you around, okay? I mean it.”
It was this kind of seesawing, this up and down between hate and love, that threw me the most. It was hard to hold on to either one, harder still to know which one to trust.
“Yeah, well guess what?” I shoved my chair against the table. “That includes you, too, Dad.”
I braced myself for his comeback as I stalked out of the room, a flying barb that would hit me in the neck, but there was nothing.
Behind me, the silence screamed.
I went out back, fastened my helmet under my chin, and unlocked my bike, a silver Aggressor that Dad bought me last year for Christmas. My fingers were shaking, and my legs felt like jelly. I stomped hard on the ground—once, twice, three times—and shook out my arms.
Nan appeared on the back porch, rubbing the space between her knuckles. “You’re going for a bike ride now? It’s almost dark.”
“It won’t be dark for at least another two hours.” I swung my leg over the seat. “I’m just going to Lucy’s. I’ll be back.”
She sighed. It was a heavy, weighted sound that made something twist inside my stomach. I knew how hard it was for her to watch Dad and me fight. But I didn’t know what to do about it. “You have your phone?” she asked.
I patted my back pocket. “Don’t worry, Nan. I’ll be fine.”
I rode off, feeling her eyes on me. She would stand there the way she always did whenever I left on my bike, one hand inside her apron pocket, her lips moving silently, until I crested over the first
Dad stayed quiet, staring at me. His jaw was moving up and down so hard I could hear his teeth clicking.
“What?”
I said.
“There’s something you’re not telling us.” He clenched his fork. “I can feel it.”
“What, do you think I’m secretly friends with Cassie Jackson?” I tried to laugh, but the sound got trapped in my throat. “Do you think we talk in code or something, just the two of us? Oh, I get it.
That’s
what we were doing today! We were talking in code, in front of the whole school, right in the middle of Mass.”
“There’s no need to be sarcastic, Marin.”
“I don’t know what you want me to tell you!”
“I want you to tell me the truth.”
“I
am
telling you the truth!” My voice quavered. “Why won’t you believe me?”
He held my gaze until I couldn’t look at him anymore. “I don’t know, Marin.” He dropped his fork, letting itclatter against the plate. “I just don’t know what to believe anymore.”
Anymore.
As if I’d been some sort of poster child before, an obedient, perfect little girl. He was still frustrated by the whole thing with my eyes, acting as if I was purposely keeping myself afflicted or stuck, playing some weird game that had to do with Mom dying. He thought that was the thing that had changed me. But the truth was, I’d become someone else long before it had arrived. He just didn’t remember anymore.
“I can’t even believe you.” I stood up, balling my fists. “You’re being such a
jerk.
”
“Marin!” Nan pleaded. “Sit down, sweetheart.”
I ignored her. “Why are you acting like any of this is
my
fault? I didn’t
do
anything. I was just sitting there, minding my own business. She’s the one who flipped out, okay? Not me!”
He studied me for a moment, his jaws still grinding his food. A new S-shaped glob glowed bright yellow under both cheeks, getting darker behind his nose. The original sinus infection had cleared up somewhat, but his allergies, which flared up in the spring, were a source of constant annoyance.
“Okay,” he said. “Fine. If you’re telling me you’re not involved in something with this girl, then I don’t have any choice but to believe you.”
“But you don’t believe me.” I stared at him.
“No, I do.” There was a catch in his throat, and hecleared it. “I just … I don’t want anyone pushing you around, okay? I mean it.”
It was this kind of seesawing, this up and down between hate and love, that threw me the most. It was hard to hold on to either one, harder still to know which one to trust.
“Yeah, well guess what?” I shoved my chair against the table. “That includes you, too, Dad.”
I braced myself for his comeback as I stalked out of the room, a flying barb that would hit me in the neck, but there was nothing.
Behind me, the silence screamed.
I went out back, fastened my helmet under my chin, and unlocked my bike, a silver Aggressor that Dad bought me last year for Christmas. My fingers were shaking, and my legs felt like jelly. I stomped hard on the ground—once, twice, three times—and shook out my arms.
Nan appeared on the back porch, rubbing the space between her knuckles. “You’re going for a bike ride now? It’s almost dark.”
“It won’t be dark for at least another two hours.” I swung my leg over the seat. “I’m just going to Lucy’s. I’ll be back.”
She sighed. It was a heavy, weighted sound that made something twist inside my stomach. I knew how hard it was for her to watch Dad and me fight. But I didn’t know what to do about it. “You have your phone?” she asked.
I patted my back pocket. “Don’t worry, Nan. I’ll be fine.”
I rode off, feeling her eyes on me. She would stand there the way she always did whenever I left on my bike, one hand inside her apron pocket, her lips moving silently, until I crested over the first
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