bedeviled & beyond 06.5 - bedeviled & bah humbug by sam cheever

Christmas.
    But when a flash mob of elves show up and whisk her away to the North Pole, fresh from the shower and all nakies, what’s a halfling to do?
    Looks like Astra will be working again on Christmas after all.
    !

CHAPTER 1
    Peace on Earth and Goodwill toward Men...Bleurgh!
    In my world, nobody’s peaceful.
    Nobody.
    In Heaven, the Big Guy’s fighting to come to some kind of agreement with the Union of Guardian Angels and he’s worried about a major strike that will leave everybody on Earth unprotected. On Earth, violence has spiked and people are going crazy over taxes and a truly stinky economy, as well as a food shortage. And at the North Pole, there have been rumors of Elf unrest and Santa has gone missing.
    It’s been all I could do to keep myself in the holiday spirit. With that goal in mind, I was currently ignoring multiple calls a day from the North Pole.
    Ignoring? You ask in disbelief. Ignoring Santa!?
    Yes.
    I’m ignoring Santa.
    Or rather, his elves. The little rodents have been calling me every five minutes and I’ve been doing my best to avoid those calls. Why? you ask. because I’m sick and frunkin’ tired of having to work every Christmas.
    Just for once I’d like to spend the week before Christmas shopping for gifts, attending holiday parties, and baking cookies like everybody else.
    I saw that face. You don’t think I can bake cookies do you? Huh? Okay. You’re right. But I can frunkin’ eat ’em can’t I?
    Sigh. If I get the chance.
    My televisual bleeped again and I grabbed the pillow next to me and covered my face with it. Cursing like a green Martian policeman, I climbed out of bed and headed for the personal hygiene room, intending to drown my sorrows in blissfully hot soapy water.
    A few minutes later, I was soaking wet and happily soapy when the lights in the room flickered and I sensed movement. I squinted one eye open, cognizant of the soap running down my face, and started to pull my power forward.
    Something light and shimmery landed on my head and my power froze on my fingertips. My eyes opened wide and I immediately regretted it as soap ran into them in a stinging stream.
    “Frunk!” I lifted a hand and scraped it over my face and then glared down at my diminutive attackers, my eyes trying their best to close under the sting.
    A familiar face glared back at me.
    “Ralphy!”
    He was dressed in green tights and a green tunic and wearing a red pointed hat, a wide red belt, and red shoes with curling toes.
    As usual, he looked ridiculous.
    Behind him ranged several more vertically challenged rodents wearing stupid outfits to match Ralphy’s. They all had ridiculously rosy cheeks too, but their expressions were less jolly.
    In fact they mostly looked royally pissed.
    Ralphy looked down his pug nose at me. It didn’t take him long since it was only about an inch long. “Astra Q Phelps. I came to tell you that, this year, you’re so naughty you don’t even rate coal. This year all you’re gonna get from the North Pole is hostility.”
    I sighed. “Look. I’m sorry about the big red guy. I really am. But isn’t there somebody else who can save him? Why does everybody always come to me first? I’m tired, Ralphy. So tired.” I gave the elf my best ‘hang dog’ look but he just laughed, his beady black eyes sparking with mirth.
    “Nice try, Phelps. You’re coming with us whether you want to or not. Santa’s been kidnapped and we need you to find him before Christmas is ruined for everybody.”
    He took a step toward me and I looked down at myself for the first time. Aside from the magic snuffing web he’d thrown over me, I was nakies.
    And the web was transparent.
    I covered my important parts with my hands and arms and glared at the elf. He was standing so close to me that the felt ball on his stupid hat drooped in the humidity from my cleansing tube and tickled my belly through the thin web. “Step back, elf. I don’t want to hurt you.”
    He laughed again.