Before You by Amber Hart

best friend assumed I’d be careful, that I’d know my limits because of what happened to my mom. She didn’t know how much I pushed the boundaries.
    Then came drugs. I’d always wondered what was so great about them. What could possibly be so wonderful that family and everything else took a far distant second?
    I needed to know.
    So I tried them. It wasn’t what I expected. The drugs themselves were harsh. But their aftereffect drew me. Drugs made me numb. For once, I didn’t feel the pain of abandonment. I didn’t feel at all. Not anything.
    I don’t know exactly when it got out of hand. I was in too deep for Melissa to help, suctioned by a cyclone too powerful for her to fight. She had to tell my dad.
    That’s why I missed my junior year. I was in rehab.
    Everyone except Melissa and my family thinks that I went on an international church mission. It sounds exciting. Travel the world; study in beautiful countries. Come back to a school where most people can only dream of doing something like that.
    So many people envy me. If they only knew.
    Green, green, green is our envy, volatile and vain.
    Blue, blue, blue is my soul, withering and chained.
    I kept up my relationship with Jason while I was in rehab. My dad gave me notes that Jason dropped off at the house. It was easier than explaining that there were no international addresses where he could send letters. Ink bled onto paper, sentiments too shallow to fill the envelope with anything of substance, anything worthwhile. The notes always talked about football or how the dance team wasn’t any good without me.
    Even today, when things with Jason aren’t exactly exciting, I love that he stuck by me. True, he thought I was on a church retreat, but that’s not what matters. Point is that he didn’t leave me.
    If I were strong, I would tell Jason the truth. But I’m a coward.
    I should tell him about the parties. I should tell him that I cheated on him with college guys. I should admit that I got hooked on drugs, just like my mom. But I can’t. Only Melissa knows the real reason why Mom left.
    My parents’ divorce was scandalous at first. Pastors are not supposed to divorce. But people got over it quickly.
    I should tell Jason the truth. I should break up with him so he can be with someone more deserving. But I won’t. People expect me to be with Jason. I must keep up the façade, keep living the lie. I’m not a good person; I know that. But I can’t ruin my dad’s life. I’m not sure if my dad’s career, or heart, can take the hit of a divorce—and a wayward daughter. So I’m stuck, a pawn in a game I have no intention of winning.
    Jason loves the fake me, anyway. He doesn’t know the real one. Is it fair to take the fake me, the one he fell in love with, away? And then there’s the piece of me that wants to keep Jason because he accepts my mask. It’s easier that way.
    I fold the pain, bending it at precise angles until it fits into my pocket, always carrying it with me where no one can see. I’m done with drugs and alcohol. I don’t want them anymore. I don’t even like cigarettes.
    Today, tonight, in my room, it all seems like a fading dream. I can’t believe I ever used drugs. Especially knowing so intimately the destruction they cause. I just wanted to forget the pain of Mom leaving. Terrible copout, I know. It will never happen again.
    Melissa keeps my secret. She’s the truest kind of friend. That’s why I can’t get mad at her for pushing me earlier, at the restaurant. She wants me to step out of my skin. The healthy way this time. Dress how I want to dress, date who I want to date. Melissa says that even though the drugs are gone, I’m still not free.
    I don’t know what free is.
    I imagine a bird, soaring, screeching.
    Flap, flap, flap go its wings, batting the air like a child smacking bubbles.
    Melissa wants me to say