a tone of hushed horror, Butter Pecan named my pain: “Oh no. He’s got
brain freeze.
”
I doubled over, trying to duck the ice pick that was spearing my frontal lobe from the inside.
Brain freeze, my rear end. This is brain
death! I was two seconds away from pushing up daisies, I just knew it. I should have stuck with HDBs. The worst thing you could do with those was choke. That couldn’t be nearly as agonizing as having your brain matter frozen into solid rock.
Then, just when I couldn’t take another dig of the pick, the freeze slid away. Easy as that. It was as if a glaze of warm chocolate flowed right over the hardening brain tissue, thawing it instantly.
Slowly, I stood up straight. My legs were wobbly, but no one could see that because the display case hid my lower body. My shaking hands were visible, though, so I hurriedly dunked them in the warm water trough.
Someone clapped. Then more people clapped and Gardo whistled. I wiped my eyes with my sleeve and focused on the crowd. There in front of me were Gardo, Fudge Ripple, Butter Pecan, Leonard from science, and five other guys, all regulars, all in yellow, all grinning and clapping and coming toward the counter to lean over and thump me on the shoulder.
“Way to go, Thuff!”
“I can’t believe you ate all that.”
“Look at that tub, man. You dug halfway to China!”
“Awesome!”
Gardo’s shout drowned them all out: “Gentlemen, I give you the new Ice Cream–Eating Champion of the Universe, Sherman ‘Thuff Enuff’ Thuff!”
He leaned over the counter and grabbed my hand, lifting my arm up above our heads, my victory smashing and complete. “Are
YOU
Thuff Enuff?”
“I AM!” I thundered.
“Thuff, Thuff, Thuff!” Gardo started the chant, then the other guys kicked in, cheering and laughing and whistling. It was even better than I’d imagined. Way, way better.
I knew it, I’d found my calling. In facing Gardo’s ice cream challenge, I’d revealed The Truth: My destiny wasn’t in a big metal scoop, after all. It was in my big mouth. And I hadn’t suffered a reversal of fortune proving it.
Glory be and hallelujah! Move over Cookie Jarvis, there’s a new ice cream eater in town: Sherman “Thuff Enuff” Thuff!
“Thuff! Thuff! Thuff!”
----
Next, on SportsWorld—The Fastest Spoon in the West…
“Good evening, sports fans. Tonight, big things afoot in the world of sports—table tennis’s Jim Nguyen shatters his long silence about bigger paddles, angler Wayne Juster hauls in a big catch at the World Bassmaster Invitational, and wishful hall-of-famer Pete Rose releases early excerpts from his new book,
Nothing But the Truth: I Lied When I Lied About Lying About Gambling.
“But first, belly up to the ice cream bar, folks, there’s been a biiiiig upset in America’s hottest new sport—competitive eating. Today, rookie eater Sherman ‘Thuff Enuff’ Thuff froze out veteran record-holder Cookie Jarvis, the reigning Big Cheese of Ice Cream. Let’s go to Chuck LaChance on the ice cream–eating floor. Chuck?”
Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff!
“Thanks, Rick! I’m here at Scoops-a-Million, site of an astounding upset in professional eating. Rookie Sherman ‘Thuff Enuff’ Thuff has just become the new Ice Cream–Eating Champion of the Universe! As you can hear, the crowd is going wild.”
Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff!
“Thanks for talking with us, Thuff Enuff. First, congratulations on your amazing victory.”
“Thanks, Chuck. I couldn’t have done it without my fans.”
Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff!
“Let me ask you, Thuff Enuff, we know you’re only a rookie, but you ate that ice cream like you’ve been training all your life. What was going through your brain as you powered through those final spoonfuls?”
“Well, Chuck, I knew that if I just gave it my best one hundred and ten percent, I’d go all the way, there’d be no stopping me. So I got in
brain freeze.
”
I doubled over, trying to duck the ice pick that was spearing my frontal lobe from the inside.
Brain freeze, my rear end. This is brain
death! I was two seconds away from pushing up daisies, I just knew it. I should have stuck with HDBs. The worst thing you could do with those was choke. That couldn’t be nearly as agonizing as having your brain matter frozen into solid rock.
Then, just when I couldn’t take another dig of the pick, the freeze slid away. Easy as that. It was as if a glaze of warm chocolate flowed right over the hardening brain tissue, thawing it instantly.
Slowly, I stood up straight. My legs were wobbly, but no one could see that because the display case hid my lower body. My shaking hands were visible, though, so I hurriedly dunked them in the warm water trough.
Someone clapped. Then more people clapped and Gardo whistled. I wiped my eyes with my sleeve and focused on the crowd. There in front of me were Gardo, Fudge Ripple, Butter Pecan, Leonard from science, and five other guys, all regulars, all in yellow, all grinning and clapping and coming toward the counter to lean over and thump me on the shoulder.
“Way to go, Thuff!”
“I can’t believe you ate all that.”
“Look at that tub, man. You dug halfway to China!”
“Awesome!”
Gardo’s shout drowned them all out: “Gentlemen, I give you the new Ice Cream–Eating Champion of the Universe, Sherman ‘Thuff Enuff’ Thuff!”
He leaned over the counter and grabbed my hand, lifting my arm up above our heads, my victory smashing and complete. “Are
YOU
Thuff Enuff?”
“I AM!” I thundered.
“Thuff, Thuff, Thuff!” Gardo started the chant, then the other guys kicked in, cheering and laughing and whistling. It was even better than I’d imagined. Way, way better.
I knew it, I’d found my calling. In facing Gardo’s ice cream challenge, I’d revealed The Truth: My destiny wasn’t in a big metal scoop, after all. It was in my big mouth. And I hadn’t suffered a reversal of fortune proving it.
Glory be and hallelujah! Move over Cookie Jarvis, there’s a new ice cream eater in town: Sherman “Thuff Enuff” Thuff!
“Thuff! Thuff! Thuff!”
----
Next, on SportsWorld—The Fastest Spoon in the West…
“Good evening, sports fans. Tonight, big things afoot in the world of sports—table tennis’s Jim Nguyen shatters his long silence about bigger paddles, angler Wayne Juster hauls in a big catch at the World Bassmaster Invitational, and wishful hall-of-famer Pete Rose releases early excerpts from his new book,
Nothing But the Truth: I Lied When I Lied About Lying About Gambling.
“But first, belly up to the ice cream bar, folks, there’s been a biiiiig upset in America’s hottest new sport—competitive eating. Today, rookie eater Sherman ‘Thuff Enuff’ Thuff froze out veteran record-holder Cookie Jarvis, the reigning Big Cheese of Ice Cream. Let’s go to Chuck LaChance on the ice cream–eating floor. Chuck?”
Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff!
“Thanks, Rick! I’m here at Scoops-a-Million, site of an astounding upset in professional eating. Rookie Sherman ‘Thuff Enuff’ Thuff has just become the new Ice Cream–Eating Champion of the Universe! As you can hear, the crowd is going wild.”
Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff!
“Thanks for talking with us, Thuff Enuff. First, congratulations on your amazing victory.”
“Thanks, Chuck. I couldn’t have done it without my fans.”
Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff! Thuff!
“Let me ask you, Thuff Enuff, we know you’re only a rookie, but you ate that ice cream like you’ve been training all your life. What was going through your brain as you powered through those final spoonfuls?”
“Well, Chuck, I knew that if I just gave it my best one hundred and ten percent, I’d go all the way, there’d be no stopping me. So I got in
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