Sapphire had fake tan smeared over every inch of her skin. She was now orange. As orange as an orange, if not orangier. Think of the orangiest person you’ve ever met, then times their orangeness by ten. As if she didn’t look frightful enough already, she was wearing a lime green mini-dress and clutching a shocking pink handbag.
“What’s she doing here?” demanded Joe.
“Be nice!” mouthed Dad.
“Nice pad,” said Sapphire, looking round admiringly at the paintings and chandeliers.
“Thank you. It’s just one of my seventeen homes. Butler, please tell Chef that we want our dinner now. What are we having tonight?”
“Foie gras, Sir,” replied the butler.
“What’s that?” asked Mr Spud.
“Specially fattened goose liver, Sir.”
Sapphire grimaced. “I’ll just have a bag of crisps.”
“Me too!” said Joe.
“And me!” said Mr Spud.
“Three packets of potato crisps coming right up, Sir,” sneered the butler.
“You look beautiful tonight, my angel!” said Mr Spud, before approaching Sapphire for a kiss.
“Don’t smudge me lip liner!” said Sapphire, as she repelled him forcefully with her hand.
Mr Spud was clearly a little hurt, but tried to hide it. “Please take a seat. I see you brought the new Dior handbag I sent you.”
“Yeah, but this bag comes in eight colours,” she complained. “One for each day of the week. I thought you were gonna buy me all eight.”
“I will, my sweet princess…” spluttered Mr Spud.
Joe stared at his dad. He couldn’t believe he had fallen for such a wrong’un.
“Dinner is served,” announced the butler.
“Here, my beautiful angel of love, take a seat,” said Mr Spud, as the butler pulled out a chair for her.
Three waiters entered the room carrying silver trays. They carefully placed the plates down on the table. The butler nodded and the waiters lifted the silver covers to reveal three packets of Salt n’ Vinegar crisps. The trio started eating. Mr Spud initially attempted to eat his crisps with his knife and fork to appear posh, but soon gave up.
“Now me birfday’s only eleven months away,” said Sapphire. “So I’ve made a little wish-list of presents you are going to buy me…”
Her fingernails were so long and fake she could barely fish the piece of paper from her pink handbag. It was like watching one of those grabber machines at the fair where you never win anything. Eventually she grasped it and passed it over to Mr Spud. Joe looked over his dad’s shoulder and read what she had scribbled.
There is video content at this location that is not currently supported for your device. Caption for this video is diplayed below.
Sapphire's Birfday Wish-list
Sapphire’s Birfday Wish-list
A solid gold Rolls Royce convertible
A million pounds in cash
500 pairs of Versace sunglasses
A holiday home in Marbella (large)
A bucket of diamonds
A unicorn
A box of Ferrero Rocher chocolates (large)
A great big massive like really big yacht
A large tank of topical fish*
‘Beverly Hills Chihuahua’ on DVD
* I think she must mean tropical fish, rather than fish that are up on the news and current affairs.
5000 bottles of Chanel perfume
Another million pounds in cash
Some gold
Lifetime subscription to OK magazine
A private jet (new please, not second-hand)
A talking dog
General expensive stuff
100 designer dresses (I don’t mind which ones as long as they are expensive. Any ones I don’t like me mum can flog down the market)
A pint of semi-skimmed milk
Belgium
“Of course I will get all these things for you, my angel sent from heaven,” slobbered Mr Spud.
“Thanks, Ken,” said Sapphire, her mouth full of crisps.
“It’s Len,” corrected Dad.
“Oh, sorry, yeah! LOL! Len! Silly me!” she said.
“You can’t be serious!” said Joe. “You’re not really going to buy her all that stuff are you?”
Mr Spud gave Joe an angry look. “Why not, son?” he said, trying to control his temper.
“Yeah, why not, you
“What’s she doing here?” demanded Joe.
“Be nice!” mouthed Dad.
“Nice pad,” said Sapphire, looking round admiringly at the paintings and chandeliers.
“Thank you. It’s just one of my seventeen homes. Butler, please tell Chef that we want our dinner now. What are we having tonight?”
“Foie gras, Sir,” replied the butler.
“What’s that?” asked Mr Spud.
“Specially fattened goose liver, Sir.”
Sapphire grimaced. “I’ll just have a bag of crisps.”
“Me too!” said Joe.
“And me!” said Mr Spud.
“Three packets of potato crisps coming right up, Sir,” sneered the butler.
“You look beautiful tonight, my angel!” said Mr Spud, before approaching Sapphire for a kiss.
“Don’t smudge me lip liner!” said Sapphire, as she repelled him forcefully with her hand.
Mr Spud was clearly a little hurt, but tried to hide it. “Please take a seat. I see you brought the new Dior handbag I sent you.”
“Yeah, but this bag comes in eight colours,” she complained. “One for each day of the week. I thought you were gonna buy me all eight.”
“I will, my sweet princess…” spluttered Mr Spud.
Joe stared at his dad. He couldn’t believe he had fallen for such a wrong’un.
“Dinner is served,” announced the butler.
“Here, my beautiful angel of love, take a seat,” said Mr Spud, as the butler pulled out a chair for her.
Three waiters entered the room carrying silver trays. They carefully placed the plates down on the table. The butler nodded and the waiters lifted the silver covers to reveal three packets of Salt n’ Vinegar crisps. The trio started eating. Mr Spud initially attempted to eat his crisps with his knife and fork to appear posh, but soon gave up.
“Now me birfday’s only eleven months away,” said Sapphire. “So I’ve made a little wish-list of presents you are going to buy me…”
Her fingernails were so long and fake she could barely fish the piece of paper from her pink handbag. It was like watching one of those grabber machines at the fair where you never win anything. Eventually she grasped it and passed it over to Mr Spud. Joe looked over his dad’s shoulder and read what she had scribbled.
There is video content at this location that is not currently supported for your device. Caption for this video is diplayed below.
Sapphire's Birfday Wish-list
Sapphire’s Birfday Wish-list
A solid gold Rolls Royce convertible
A million pounds in cash
500 pairs of Versace sunglasses
A holiday home in Marbella (large)
A bucket of diamonds
A unicorn
A box of Ferrero Rocher chocolates (large)
A great big massive like really big yacht
A large tank of topical fish*
‘Beverly Hills Chihuahua’ on DVD
* I think she must mean tropical fish, rather than fish that are up on the news and current affairs.
5000 bottles of Chanel perfume
Another million pounds in cash
Some gold
Lifetime subscription to OK magazine
A private jet (new please, not second-hand)
A talking dog
General expensive stuff
100 designer dresses (I don’t mind which ones as long as they are expensive. Any ones I don’t like me mum can flog down the market)
A pint of semi-skimmed milk
Belgium
“Of course I will get all these things for you, my angel sent from heaven,” slobbered Mr Spud.
“Thanks, Ken,” said Sapphire, her mouth full of crisps.
“It’s Len,” corrected Dad.
“Oh, sorry, yeah! LOL! Len! Silly me!” she said.
“You can’t be serious!” said Joe. “You’re not really going to buy her all that stuff are you?”
Mr Spud gave Joe an angry look. “Why not, son?” he said, trying to control his temper.
“Yeah, why not, you
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