that I wanted to disappear right then and there—to just stop existing altogether. “I'm sorry, too,” he choked. And then just like that, he turned and left me all alone to face the silence of my guilt.
I laid my head back against the propped up bed and closed my eyes, letting the tears flow freely until they turned into sobs. The pain that I felt was of my own doing and I welcomed it, giving into its embrace until I became so tired from my grief that I slipped off to sleep.
*****
I awoke with a start a few hours later to a gentle hand on my shoulder and a feminine voice saying, “Emily, honey. It's time now. The doctor says you can go home.”
I opened my eyes groggily to a warm, smiling face. I recognized her as one of the nurses who had checked up on me earlier in the night. I made a mental note then, that she was my favorite. I tried to match her smile, but I don't think I was very convincing.
“Is everything okay, sweetie? Do you have a ride home?” she asked with motherly concern.
“I'm not sure,” I replied, honestly. “I guess I could call my friend Bridget to see if she can come get me.” The nurse nodded in sympathy.
“Okay, sweetheart. Well, I'm going to go check on a few more patients while you get yourself ready, okay? If you need anything else you can find me out here at the front desk,” she motioned behind her.
As she left the room and closed the door behind her, I realized I would have to have someone take the IV out of my arm before I could get dressed. Much to my surprise, though, when I looked over at my left arm, it was no longer there. Just a throbbing pain and band-aid with a cotton ball. Wow, I thought to myself, she must have taken it out while I slept. No wonder she was concerned about me.
I got up out of the hospital bed and found my clothes in the chair that John had been sitting in. The nurse must have moved them for me after he left. I smiled to myself at how thoughtful she was as I took my hospital gown off and changed back into my outfit from earlier. Under the harsh fluorescent lights and in light of what had happened earlier, my clothes now seemed too over-the-top. I felt downright dirty in them—like I belonged on a street corner, not in a hospital.
I looked at myself in the small bathroom mirror. Yep, it was just as bad as I thought. I was a total mess. My makeup had run all down my face from crying earlier and my hair was matted in the back from sleeping on it. It's funny how only a few hours earlier I felt so sexy in this same outfit and now I just felt cheap.
I sighed at my reflection, trying to wipe away some of the mess of my makeup. After several failed attempts I finally just gave up. At least this way the outside of me could match how I was feeling on the inside. I shrugged and placed my handbag over my shoulder as I made my way to the front desk. I could tell my disheveled appearance made the staff nervous and so I was relieved when my favorite nurse came rushing over to help me.
“Yes, sweetheart?” she asked.
“I was just wondering where I need to go or who I need to talk to about setting up a payment plan for my bill?” I asked, knowing that I didn't have health insurance and at the time of check-in they probably weren't able to gather any of my information.
“Oh, well there's no bill, sweetie,” she smiled.
“What do you mean?” I asked, perplexed about how that could be. I mean, surely with all the tests and time I had spent here, there would be some charge.
“The handsome man who brought you in covered it.
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