Bitter Is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry a Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office : A Memoir by Jen Lancaster

artfully about the polished sideboards. 30 I took a deep breath and realized that all I could smell was money. The windows of the room ran floor to ceiling, and there was nothing but glass between us and a sun-dazzled Manhattan skyline. Wow, just wow.
    Lawrence joined us momentarily. He was immaculately appointed in Brooks Brothers, and his powerful handshake crushed one of my metacarpals. We exchanged business cards, and I’d barely gotten my name out before Josh gave me the stink eye. Oh, yeah. No noise from the peanut gallery.
    Josh launched into his tedious pitch immediately, and I zoned out. He blathered on about our products and services for a while, and I’d occasionally smile and nod. I didn’t care to listen, and I might not be allowed to participate, but at least I could look like my presence served a purpose. I pretended to take notes in my leather-bound Filofax but was actually penning flattering assessments about myself. Jen is smarter than Josh. Jen is a better salesperson than Josh. Jen is more interesting than Josh.
    Eventually, their conversation turned to Harvard. This was not surprising. Because he was an alumnus, ALL of Josh’s conversations eventually led to Harvard. Frankly, I was shocked he’d kept quiet about it that long. Usually he introduced himself as Joshua, and would add, “But my friends from Harvard call me Josh.” Luckily, he also wore a Harvard ring and rep tie in case the introduction was too subtle. And what a lucky day! Lawrence had gone to Harvard, too. Yay, or boola, boola, or rah, rah, or what ever !
    Josh and Lawrence prattled on about Crimson, Cream, the Boat House, Steve’s mix-ins, the Coop, and Beat Yale! as I stared out the window. At some point, they realized that I was still in the room and Lawrence finally decided to include me in their nonversation.
    He began, “Tell me, Jenny…”
    Whoa, hold it right there. Does it say Jenny on my business card? Did I introduce myself as Jenny? Do I look like a Jenny? No. Strike One, pal.
    “…did you also attend Harvard?” he finished.
    If I had, wouldn’t I have mentioned it at some point in the last half hour?? Stee-rike Two.
    With a sneer, Josh interrupted. “No, she went to some Big Ten school.”
    I tried to smile through my aggravation. I may not have gone to Harvard, but I was proud of my education, especially since I paid for a lot of it myself. “That’s right. I graduated from—” I began.
    But the damage was done. Lawrence and Josh were already exchanging barely perceptible smirks at the idea of a state school. Armed with that little nugget of information, Lawrence deemed that I wasn’t good enough to be included in their conversation and I became invisible again. Strike Three. Thanks for playing. I returned my attention to my notebook. Jen is not a condescending jackass like Josh. Josh sniffs his own farts. Josh has dirty fantasies about Alan Greenspan.
    Eventually, Lawrence gave us a tour of their operations. When we passed by the team of Web developers Lawrence oversaw, I noticed that all of them were busy trolling sex Web sites. And none of this arty, I’m-only-modeling-to-pay-my-tuition stuff, either. I’m talking hard-core with money shots and everything. 31
    Curious, I thought. Shouldn’t those developers look guilty having been caught ogling beavercentral.com?
    When we returned to the conference room I still smarted from being silenced and having my college slighted. Who could blame me? I decided it was time to have some fun.
    As we arranged ourselves in the posh softness of the leather chairs, I asked, “Hey, Larry , what’s the deal with the nudie sites?”
    Call me Jenny, indeed.
    Josh gave me that look , but I ignored it.
    “How observant of you. Our developers are attempting to add more subscribers to our online venture. They have been studying how pornographic sites use interstitial windows to capture registrants’ information. They have been working day and night on that technology,”