in his seat. ‘Do you really want that, Sabrina?’
‘Yes, I do.’
‘I’m here for you if you need me. You know that, don’t you?’ He pulled away a bit as he said this, giving me space. I pushed him further.
‘That’s just it, Evan. I don’t want you here,’ I hurled the statement at him like a dagger and instantly regretted it. A nurse looked up from her desk, investigating my elevated tone.
He breathed hard and reflected my twisted expression with his own. ‘Don’t do this. You don’t have to do this.’
‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’ I blurted. ‘I want to be alone!’
‘Fine, as you wish, Sabrina. I don’t want to make things harder for you right now.’ Evan hesitated before getting up, hoping to hear me take back my words. I glanced away in silence instead. ‘How will you get home?’
‘I’ll take a cab,’ I muttered.
‘OK.’ He seemed at a loss. ‘Please let me know if anything changes with Keith,’ he said, and I saw his shadow lean forward once more; perhaps he wanted to kiss me. But the kiss didn’t come. When I looked up, he was already walking away.
Three hours later, they let me in to see Keith and confirmed that it was no longer a mystery when he would drop into a coma. The only clarity needed now was how to find the strength to honour Keith’s one last wish: not to prolong the inevitable. I stayed there by his side for another hour talking to him, yelling at him, crying for him. I said my goodbyes, though they rested on deaf ears. He looked as lovely as ever, laying there with serenity on his face. When finally there was nothing more to say, I dragged myself out of the bedside chair and headed for the reception desk. They were prepared with a number for the local taxi company and I dialled it on my way through the sliding doors leading to the street.
At the curb in his little hatchback was Evan, waiting. I wasn’t sure how to react and couldn’t decide between anger for his blatant disregard for my request, or gratitude that he saw right through me. He helped me with the answer as he climbed out from the driver seat.
‘Sabrina, there’s no way I’m going to let your heart break into pieces without being there to help you find a way to mend the cracks.’ His mouth blew smoky puffs in the evening chill as his chest heaved with determination. He stepped towards me, with hands out and an expression as serious as I’d ever seen. ‘Don’t shut me out, Sabrina. Not when you don’t have to face this alone.’ He was inches from me now, and I was frozen in place as my heart waged war with my conscience.
I stood there in silence, dissecting him with my eyes, peeling away the layers of words and actions of this man that I’d come to know intimately over the past six weeks. Evan had been handpicked by Keith for this very reason, and he was eager to take the position. I let the honest truth rise up from the pile of guilt keeping my arms pinned to my side and set them free around his neck along with a flood of tears. He comforted me with his warm embrace and gentle nuzzles to my face. Then he took my hand and led me to the car.
‘Let me take you home.’
My hand stayed in his the entire ride, holding on tight to the strength he offered. Inside the house was completely dark, save for the blue wash of moonlight. I turned to Evan who stood in the doorway, awaiting my intentions.
‘Stay with me,’ I said.
‘I’m not going anywhere.’
‘No, I mean stay with me, in this house, in my life.’ I took off my coat.
He began to remove his. ‘I said I’m not going anywhere.’
‘Thank you,’ I sighed with a small smile.
‘I wouldn’t be anywhere else but here with you,’ he said and moved closer.
I tried to focus on his face in the dim light. The shadowy outline of his mouth was barely discernable. My fingers floated to his lips, touching there, lightly ahead of my next statement. ‘I have a confession.’ In the dark, I felt like I could speak the words
‘Yes, I do.’
‘I’m here for you if you need me. You know that, don’t you?’ He pulled away a bit as he said this, giving me space. I pushed him further.
‘That’s just it, Evan. I don’t want you here,’ I hurled the statement at him like a dagger and instantly regretted it. A nurse looked up from her desk, investigating my elevated tone.
He breathed hard and reflected my twisted expression with his own. ‘Don’t do this. You don’t have to do this.’
‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’ I blurted. ‘I want to be alone!’
‘Fine, as you wish, Sabrina. I don’t want to make things harder for you right now.’ Evan hesitated before getting up, hoping to hear me take back my words. I glanced away in silence instead. ‘How will you get home?’
‘I’ll take a cab,’ I muttered.
‘OK.’ He seemed at a loss. ‘Please let me know if anything changes with Keith,’ he said, and I saw his shadow lean forward once more; perhaps he wanted to kiss me. But the kiss didn’t come. When I looked up, he was already walking away.
Three hours later, they let me in to see Keith and confirmed that it was no longer a mystery when he would drop into a coma. The only clarity needed now was how to find the strength to honour Keith’s one last wish: not to prolong the inevitable. I stayed there by his side for another hour talking to him, yelling at him, crying for him. I said my goodbyes, though they rested on deaf ears. He looked as lovely as ever, laying there with serenity on his face. When finally there was nothing more to say, I dragged myself out of the bedside chair and headed for the reception desk. They were prepared with a number for the local taxi company and I dialled it on my way through the sliding doors leading to the street.
At the curb in his little hatchback was Evan, waiting. I wasn’t sure how to react and couldn’t decide between anger for his blatant disregard for my request, or gratitude that he saw right through me. He helped me with the answer as he climbed out from the driver seat.
‘Sabrina, there’s no way I’m going to let your heart break into pieces without being there to help you find a way to mend the cracks.’ His mouth blew smoky puffs in the evening chill as his chest heaved with determination. He stepped towards me, with hands out and an expression as serious as I’d ever seen. ‘Don’t shut me out, Sabrina. Not when you don’t have to face this alone.’ He was inches from me now, and I was frozen in place as my heart waged war with my conscience.
I stood there in silence, dissecting him with my eyes, peeling away the layers of words and actions of this man that I’d come to know intimately over the past six weeks. Evan had been handpicked by Keith for this very reason, and he was eager to take the position. I let the honest truth rise up from the pile of guilt keeping my arms pinned to my side and set them free around his neck along with a flood of tears. He comforted me with his warm embrace and gentle nuzzles to my face. Then he took my hand and led me to the car.
‘Let me take you home.’
My hand stayed in his the entire ride, holding on tight to the strength he offered. Inside the house was completely dark, save for the blue wash of moonlight. I turned to Evan who stood in the doorway, awaiting my intentions.
‘Stay with me,’ I said.
‘I’m not going anywhere.’
‘No, I mean stay with me, in this house, in my life.’ I took off my coat.
He began to remove his. ‘I said I’m not going anywhere.’
‘Thank you,’ I sighed with a small smile.
‘I wouldn’t be anywhere else but here with you,’ he said and moved closer.
I tried to focus on his face in the dim light. The shadowy outline of his mouth was barely discernable. My fingers floated to his lips, touching there, lightly ahead of my next statement. ‘I have a confession.’ In the dark, I felt like I could speak the words
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